Tuesday, July 21, 2009

End of day 5

5 days.

It's not a lot. It feels like forever. There's a lot of stuff going on, a lot of planning and thinking and doing and so on.

I'm on my own again tonight, and I'm going to bed soon to try and get a whole nights sleep.

I cried in Tesco today. I walked in, we shopped, and I went to get a magazine, and there he was, on the front of the paper.

I knew he was on the front of the paper, (I have about 10 copies at home for various people) but to *see* it, in a shop, was worse.

I just....

I don't know.

I am just so tired of all of this. His brother and aunt were here today, and that was fine, but I'm done with seeing people now. I'm done with all of it. And this could go on for weeks.

And weeks

And weeks.

And for what feels like forever.

But the AC needs R, he loves R, R loves him, and he loves me just like I love him. We all loved each other with a strength and a passion which will keep me going forever. As was said to me today "You had the best years of his life, you made him happier than he had ever been, and he loved you more than he had ever loved anyone." And they were right.

love you R.

When you died.


When you died,
The numbness over took me
The nothingness consumed me
I went through the motions of my life.

When you died,
I denied it
I refused to be a part
Of the silly game the world was playing.

When you died,
I exploded.
Pain ripped through me
Like the Severn Bore we never saw.

When you died,
I left a trail of tears
when I walked
parts of me soaking into the ground.

When you died,
I saw you.
I touched your face, stroked your hair,
And told you as I always will....

.... I love you.

End of day 4

So here we are.

End of day 4.

One hell of a day.

I have never cried so hard and so much. I have never felt so much variety of emotion with such intensity. I have never loved so hard.

Loved so hard?

Yes. Today I fell in love.

It was a bad morning, with not good news. There are now 3 blue sacks of his clothes, boots and helmet sitting in my house, waiting for me to have the courage to open them. It's fine, and I know the things I needed to know without investigating too closely, but just from what the policeman told me about what was in there. I'll decide what I do next with them, later.

It was a long lunchtime, with visitors.

It was a bad afternoon, with more not so good news.

And then.

Then I fell in love.

We went to the local supermarket for some tea. We got out of the car. I was on the verge of yet more tears, when, from nowhere on a grim and grey day, came the feeling of such intense love, it took my breath away. In that moment, I fell in love with R all over again, the numbness was beaten off, and I gloried in him being with me.

Feel free to think I'm barking if you like, it's my grief, and I know what I know.

And I know he loves me. HE loves ME! HE LOVES ME! I felt his love, I could feel his arms around me, I could feel him there behind me, stood there, like he did, behind me, arms around me, just about to kiss the top of my head. Maybe all of that was imagination, but from that moment, I could honestly say "He loves me, and I love him, regardless."

Regardless of anything that is happening, regardless of the fact that the tears were because he was physically dead, I FELT his love, I have smiled all evening, my parents are home and I am here alone, because I *am* fine. There will still be bad days, I know, I am almost expecting them, but right now, I am enfolded in his love, in the same way I was when he was here. I miss him and I want him home still, and I almost still cannot believe that he is gone still. But I know he loves me, and he knows I love him, and that is *all* we need. (However, today I do believe that he kept his word, when he said he would not leave me alone, and I will expound on that tomorrow.)

Today, through the grace of God, through the strength of our relationship, through the power of the amazing R, I fell in love with him, all over again. I think the people on Facebook think I am barkingly nuts, but I don't care. I know, I feel, the love he has for me still, and I know he knows I love him.

Today I was also sent this.

Dear Lord,
I may not see the sun and moon lose their light.
I may not witness rivers turn red, or stars fall from the sky.
Yet there are times when my world becomes unhinged
and the foundations of what I believe crack and dissolve.... Read More
Give me the grace to believe that Your power is at work
in the turmoil of my life.
Lead me to remember that Your power is greater than all evil,
and though the world may rock and sometimes break,
it will in time be transformed by Your Love.
author unknown

So from email I have support and love from God, via my amazing friends. From R, I have his love, enveloping me, forcing a smile to my face, enabling me to be strong again, to be the support he always was for me.

We have our love back, (tho I doubt it ever left, but was merely swamped by grief) and now I can feel him all around me, loving me with all of his heart, just like he always did.

Everything else, is an irrelevance.