Sunday, May 31, 2009

Sleepy child?

AC has just put himself to bed.

He started his bedtime routine early, asked for computer story on my lap, and by 6.30 was asking about story upstairs. I took him up, we had a couple of stories, lay in his bed and chatted, and by 7pm I was down again, a good 45 mins earlier than usual.

He's had a hectic day in some ways though, and R being in and out all day is unsettling him. But this is it for a few weeks, and then after a week of earlies this week we should be into a few weeks of normal.

R went into town this morning to go and get his hair cut and try and send the money to the She-Ex, but Western Union was down in First Choice, so nothing doing. He tried. He'll try again tomorrow. Never mind. He didn't get his hair cut either. He did, however come back with a package for the AC, of Dad's Army DVD's that AC has been asking about.

Got to love him.

He's gone

and he and you and I know I said I was going back to bed. And you and I know I'm not because it's 6am, it's a glorious morning, and life is good.

This morning made me think of this, a Robert Frost poem, called Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Now I appreciate it is summer, not snowy and so on, but there is something about the last verse that always makes me think of R. "I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep" and that's why he left this morning. That's why he left on a morning almost a year ago now, that's why he always leaves. Because he made a promise, and he's keeping it.

He has only ever made me two promises, and he's delivered every time. He comes close to promising me things, and I always pull him back, because I have had so many promises broken to me in the past. He is an amazing man, and I love him.

Earlies

I am not a fan of earlies.

R is on earlies this week, which is great in some ways because he should be home sometime in the afternoon, he should get Friday off, and it should all work out nicely, but it's pants in other ways because he hates mornings, (thankfully his girlfriend is good at mornings and loves them!) it invariably wakes the child, and it's a lot like hard work!

Today he has an "early" morning for a Sunday and has to be at work for 7am.

I'll go and get him up.

I have more to write!

You can take a horse to water...

... but you cannot make it drink.

I cannot help BG if I don't hear from her mother. Last time I heard from her was Wednesday tp say that she'd read the first 50 words of Dora's Hallowe'en. I asked her for a scanned in couple of pages so I could assess the level, and a video of her reading, and gave her a list of words (10) for a pretest, and so on.

Have I had anything back? Nope.

And then when BG goes back to school and does not so well, it'll all be my fault somehow! LOL!

Never mind, moving on.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Half time

I don't know why I'm watching the football. It's half time in the FA Cup Final anyway. R is in work, so I'll have to watch the replay later on!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Some time later! (about 1hr 30!)

ARGH!

I've just caught the presentation ceremony!

Not being a person for spoilers I shall wait until after the replay, but it means I won't be able to talk to R about it at all!

I was outside talking to James who turned up to have a look at the car. Basically, we are very, very very lucky there wasn't a serious accident this morning.

We were on our way to R's work at stupid o'clock when just before the Tesco there was flap flap flap and so we stopped at Tesco and had a look and yeah.

Hmmm.

Lump of engine not where a lump of engine should be. The stud going through had been over tightened and sheared, and the tensioner was sitting in the belt. Thankfully, and I've just found out how bad it could have been, that was all that happened. James filled me in on how bad it could have been (i.e. through the fan, through the radiator, into the middle of the road, engine seized in under 10 seconds, major league death and destruction, very least, write off engine and therefore car!)

So we didn't know all that, came back, and he went to work on the bike. He came home. We waited for James whilst having a go at the car, he had a phonecall, he went to work!

What a lovely day! LOL!

More later people - the AC should be home now!

Busy Day today!

OK, lots to do ahead.

R is in to work at 8am, so we need to leave at 7am as I'm going in with him to see the work thing and know what he's talking about when he gets home!

Back around 11. Possibly.

We still don't know what time he has to go back this afternoon, so he may well be gone most of the afternoon as well, in which case if I'm asked I'll do BG's money. If not, it'll be some time next week. We're working on ways to make it more regular and easier for both sides, but *throws hands up* what can we do?

Last nights phonecall was good and bad. Good, because BG was obviously feeling a lot better, bad, because she was out. All day apparently, at a friends. I was pretty sure when R told me the name that this was a friend that she wasn't to play with some of last summer because the mother was x,y, or z, but I might have been wrong. The She-Ex couldn't email and let us know, for whatever reason, so we'll just mark it down. It's no huge deal, we'll phone her today, as long as she knows we tried to call and that we couldn't. Now apparently, she has a cellphone of her own, but clearly didn't have it with her or her mother would have suggested we call that. Besides which, she was playing with other children. For her, that has to be a good thing. I've emailed her mother to ask how she's got on with the work this week (after all, well enough to play is well enough to work lol!) but we'll wait and see on an answer on that one.

This evening R is back to work at some point. For some time. Again, we don't know what or how long or anything or even when he has to go back in.

I'm shattered and achy from yesterday but the upstairs is looking GOOD! AC's room needs he and I to go through his toys. This time next week he'll be 6. I know I shouldn't moan about not seeing him on his birthday - after all, R hasn't seen BG on her birthday for several years - but I do feel sad about it a bit. His party is the following week at the local sports centre, which will be cool, I hope his father has done something about the invitations - last year he gave them out the week of the party and they had the wrong address on them!

I need to shower and get sorted before I get R up for work. Deep joy all over lol!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Sock veins....

Today I ventured into the dark and terrible land of Undert'Bed. Many and multitudinous were the Dust Bunnies, who put up a most vicious fight, but I defeated them with my trusty hoover.

Further in I found an hitherto undiscovered vein of socks, which I did excavate with much enjoyment. Carefully I panned them, removing the dust and Lego men, until they were lump free and could be washed.

Over many hours did I toil, sorting and throwing the Clothes of Tinyness until all that was left were the Garments of Growing Into.

All is now well in the Land Above Stairs, all Undert'bed monsters defeated, and Mummy reigns supreme in her Kingdom.

Strips cut.

Lots and lots of strips.

Mmmmmmmm!

Going to get showered and dressed as I can't sew until after AC is in bed or at his fathers, because log cabin blocks need the iron on all the time, and I can't leave it on around him - how stupid would that be! He'd a very active child this morning, and a loose iron lead is just asking for trouble!

Of sleep and blocks.

I've come to a decision - I like the one with the red middle and the paler colours around the outside. That's the one I'm going to make more of. Lots more of.

I also need to make more of the purple ones. Lots more.

I also need to quilt and finish Emily's one, which shouldn't take too long.

And - it's payday!

Mum is coming over and we have stuff to do, which is cool. The front room just needs a quick swish round, the kitchen needs a quick swish round and the dining room needs a minor miracle, but actually isn't that bad. There are no dirty clothes in the house (as far as I know, because you know what small boys, and big ones for that matter, are like!) so today I will strip the beds and wash all of that.

I would love to go back to being a SAHM in so many ways, or even a WAHM, because at least then my house would be clean and sparkly! There would probably be a dump room, and every now and again I'd get in there and dejunk, but it would be nice.

Not going to happen though. *sigh*

In other news, there is none! We assume BG is ok, we didn't hear anything after last nights calls, so no updates, and I'm guessing that there's been no reading or work going on because she's been in so much pain. That's a good reason lol! Hopefully she won't be too bad today, and it will have had some chance to heal a bit in her sleep. At least she didn't have to have her teacher go with her like N did when I went with him! No pain at all though then, but it was gelled and then injected, and then just popped out. Not to worry, it's done now. It's Friday, so there should be a phonecall tonight so we can find out how she did then.

If I'm asked, I'll try and get up to town to pay the money, but if not, I don't want to interfere, so I'll leave it. I think that's the best option.

AC is going off to his fathers at 9am. He coughed a bit last night, but not too badly, not enough to wake him up. Once the weather settles, it'll all come good. I slept well, R slept well enough, and the AC is still in bed!

Cup of tea and blog reading catch up I think!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

More material, more blocks!

Utterly fabulous day.

Today was great.

We stayed home this morning, and Rach and Sally came round with the new Jehovah's Witness magazines, we had a chat, and it was fine. It was about the difference between religions and denominations. Interesting in many ways.

Then the AC and I went to the park. He skated all the way there, with lots of help, he skated around there with very little help eventually, but, reasonably enough, his legs were too tired to skate all the way home, so he put his trainers on. We also went to town, I bought material, forayed into prints with colours, and have spent the evening stitching log cabin blocks onto Stitch and Tear.

I'm not sure how I feel about them.

The material is nice. It's not looking so good here - I'll try and take pictures in the daylight tomorrow and see which I prefer. Basically, there's a beige, a pale green, and the red background with the print on top.


I tried them in each of the three colourways.






I'm heading towards the middle one I think. I like that one better. Any input would be cheerfully recieved!

And here's my favourite picture from today. I took the video camera with us so that I could practice using it, even though we've had it for a long time now, and got some lovely pictures. This is the best one in lots of ways,



because it's so him. Right down to the mud.

Love him so much.

Love BG as well, who has had 2 fillings and a cracked tooth extracted. Poor baby. She was so upset and all she wanted was her Daddy, and she cried and he listened and they were fine, until her mother just said "I need to speak to Daddy now" said to R, "She'll call you later" and hung up.

Eventually she did ring back, and she sounded a little better, and was asking about her Daddy, and it didn't hurt so much - but it shouldn't have hurt at all! Not like that.

Oh well. It's done now. Just hope and pray it doesn't get infected. But there's nothing we can do from here.

Never mind. (Although I do!)

Bedtime!

Ok well

it is a gorgeous day, and we're going out to the park. AC is taking his skates, we're going to have another go at independent skating! Woo! LOL.

It'll be fun.

He smacked his face today trying to show me how he can barrel roll on the sofa. I said he couldn't do it safely, so don't do it. He said "I can Mummy, look!"

BANG!

We had a cuddle and I put something cold on it and he's ok. He said "Lots of mummy's will shout now - why don't you?" I told him I could, but it wouldn't do any good except to make him more scared, what he needs is to talk about safety margins, why Mummy says "No" sometimes, and so on.

So we did.

He was a happy bunny, his face is ok (Bit of a bruise, but putting frozen on it immediately stopped a black eye I think) and he understands.

That's what parenting is about for me - understanding.

That is something I need to work on with the She-Ex. I find it hard to understand her, and so her behaviours, especially when they affect BG and R, are confusing and illogical. I know she didn't know BG would develop the need for a dentist before the Social Healthcare came in (or whatever they call it!) and I'm sure she thought about how having no money again would affect BG when it came to following her dream, but I don't get it I'm afraid.

I'll think about it this afternoon. Will I grok it?

To market, to market

but not for a pig.

I'd have to come home on the bus I expect, so it would be a bad idea!

We'll see if we go, or if we don't. It's up to the AC really - it's his holiday!

Speaking of holidays, the BG has the start of hers ruined - she has toothache :-(

Now I thought this :

"I'm working on getting BG in to see the dentist early next week. Probably monday as that seems to be my days off. As soon as I find out what my copay is. If i need to wait till thursday I will. But i should be able to handle it."

sent 22/04/09 would have meant that BG had seen a dentist recently. But apparently not. And as the She-Ex has walked out of her proper job, they have no insurance, again. Which somehow, is apparently something R should be fixing. And there's been nothing about her reading, and plenty of chat on the phone to R about when the money goes in. It goes in, when it goes in.

Thing is, he gets paid on Friday. She knows this.
He does odd hours with his new job, which, even though she denied knowing it to R, I had told her.
So he can't pay it in on Friday.
He's working this weekend. He will have difficulties paying it in on Saturday.

It might be Monday before it can go to her, via Western Union.

And then, she said to him "Well, S can do it!" as in me. As in "skanky earth mother" as in "b****" as in "I want nothing to do with you ever again" as in her mother telling R that they want nothing to do with me, no emails whatever, and I have respected this, the She-Ex has always contacted me first, and the only reason we are having a converstion now is because it's about BG, and I am suddenly expected to drop everything and go pay her money in? As R said, it was her that said why didn't he get off his "G'damned ass and pay the G'dammed money for his G'damned daughter instead of me." She swore worse than that though I expect.

So......... no.

Except that, we all know, because it's for BG, I'll do it. Because it's the best thing for BG. Because she needs to see a dentist, she needs to eat, she needs all those things that the maintainance money does.

So....... I will. The She-Ex will be nice, probably send a couple of photos, I'll relent, send the money, ask about the reading, she'll say I'm nagging/bossy/whatever and that will be that.

She even mentioned moving BG again in her email yesterday am. As in moving caravan, moving school, moving friends, moving everything that is stable in that little girls life, at a point when her education is at it's most tenuous, and she's wanting to move? I mean, come on!

Anyway, it's 0708, I've been awake only 45 minutes and out of bed for 20! I need a cup of tea. The AC is still sleeping, bless him, so we'll see what he's up to today. And I need to order my prize today! YAY!

AC and I need to think about Father's Day as well. It's coming up! 21st June I think this year. After AC's birthday anyway.

I also need to do church notices.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

After philosophy - photos. Obviously.

Here's the photos I said I would post, from a million years ago. Or last week, depending on your view of time.


Emily's quilt has gone from this.....


..... to this. Today I pieced the 9 patches, cut the big blocks, and stitched it all together. The lighting is weird because it's the video camera, not the ordinary camera but you can imagine if you try hard, what the colours from photo 1 look like in photo2!



These are the log cabin blocks I made yesterday at the quilt class, using the stitch and tear stuff. It's good.

And as an example of the lighting issue, these are the blocks in the front room.


These are they in the living room. They are on the arm of the sofa, so you may need to twist your eyes 90 degrees.

Or just look as they are.



And finally, this is the reason I didn't finish marking papers the other night. Fat Cat (who looks incredibly fat in that picture - there's one for the kitty fridge!) sprawled all over them. And then when I moved them, sprawled again. I took the hint and sat on the sofa with him and the man instead.
And the philosophy? Maybe it isn't philosophy, maybe it's just a way of being, but I am calm. So calm.

We shall see, what we shall see.

I have the calmness.....

.... of the end of a good book.
.... of a fury controlled.
.... of a plan made.
.... of a deep set laughter because I know a secret.
.... of a warm brick built house, on a dark rainy night, with the love of a good man and a strong child.

I have that calmness rippling through me, keeping me from venting about selfishness and ill thought out actions, and plain stupidity, keeping me from raging about ignorance, and instead, just keeping me warm.

And I shall go to bed, and let the fury dissipate as I slip into the arms of my man as he loves me, suspending my mind, my reality, my awareness as he enfolds me.

In the morning, all that is left, is the book to reread, the plan to make work, the secret to know, and the house full of love, laughter, a good man, and a strong child.

It's a good way of dealing with things, for me.

It's almost midday

and so far not a lot has been done.

And not a lot will be done because the Parents are coming over this afternoon as Dad is having an assessment prior to his knee surgery next week. R has offered to pick him up and take him up to the hospital, which is just like him!

So I'm having lunch, then I'll have 4 hours to get everything I need to do, done!

I guess the reports will be being left for now!

Ho hum!

Slept until 6 this morning. Lovely. It's now later than 6 (about 6.45) and in 15 minutes I have

fed the cat
fed the guinea-pig
cleared the cups
changed the washing
read email
calmed down
reread email
made a drink
decided on a plan for the day.

The plan for the day is

exercise
cut strips
write reports
make block
write reports
clean animals
write reports
make blocks
write reports
blog progress
do the photos I keep saying I'll put up.
write reports
sew Emily's quilt top
write reports
clean kitchen
write reports.

Are we seeing a theme here boys and girls?

I want to break the back of the reports today, for definate, and then that just leaves Friday to finish them, hopefully, in their raw form.

So.

See you laters....

Time to move on!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Maury.

Why?

Why does America let this show go out as representative of the American people? Does it want us to believe that all America has is film stars and fat trailer trash with no manners, no brains and no morals that can't work out that sex makes babies? Or that actually, sex belongs in a committed relationship so you know who your baby's father is? Or in fact, that simply *not* having sex with several people in the space of two weeks will enable you to know who your baby's father is?

I mean, come on America!

(And don't start me on Jerry Springer - the first time I saw that I thought it was some bizarre comedy!)

Moving on.

All SATs marked, all scores added, now to enter the scores and see just how badly or how well it's all gone!

Quilting class

Ok, I'm home and my brain is buzzing!

I made 4 log cabin blocks today, using something called stitch and tear. It's foundation piecing (I think it's what the She-Ex was suggesting, so when Rita said about using it I immediately said yes.) Anyway, apparently when I'm done I can just take the paper out easy as anything. We'll see about that I expect!

I only used a couple of colours (I'll put photos up later) but it looks lovely and my colour choice was commented on in a favourable sense! I am tending to go for solid colours. I'll progress on at some point, I'm sure, but I like solid colours.

Right now though, I need a cup of tea, and/or a nap!

It was so cool though.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Of marking and dens and sleep

I've marked almost all of the year 4 SATs today. R has been really good, playing with the AC, and the AC has been really good, playing in the front room, helping me tidy and get things done.

Today, AC and I have....

*made a great den
*eaten Jaffa Cakes.
*played spaceships
*made eggy bread for lunch
*curled up in the den together to watch Ben10.

After lunch he was so tired and grotty I made him sit with me, and he wasn't having it, he sloped off, and then came back with a minor bump, and so he sat on my lap, I cuddled him tight, and within 5 minutes he was asleep. 2 hours later, I encouraged him to wake. And there he was, my beautiful sunny child again! I have buckets to write on the feeling of having my "baby" sleeping on me again, but it's busy being a special feeling right now.

He played Pokemon with R, they looked at the Pokedex together. (Or Pokadex, or somesuch thing!)

We had roast chicken for tea. I made the mistake of asking the child what he would like with the chicken, and he said chips! So we did. Chips, beans, and garlic and sage roasted chicken. Ah well.

I ought to be getting on with the work I need to do.

There's been no photos from the weekend of the BG, but I've sent pictures of what we did to her via the blog. Hopefully there'll be a comment this week. She finishes school this week as well though, but we'll see what happens there.

(As a side note, I'm watching Britains Next Top Model - they drink a LOT on there!)

Right. I *am* going to finish this and I *am* going to get on and do the marking, and then I *am* going to sort out my fabric and so on for tomorrow, pack the sewing machine up ready and so on.

AC will be picked up by his father at 9am. I need to be there at 10, and R is going to take me up there. I am very excited. This will never make me money, and I'll never pretend it will, but this is something I enjoy, that R is happy to provide for me to enjoy, that AC is well taken care of whilst I'm doing it, and so I can enjoy this few hours tomorrow, happy in that knowledge.

Back laters people!

Sleep is for the weak?

Apparently so!

IF sleep is for the week then I must be She-Ra.


See me ride my flying pink pony.

No really.

I am the Princess of Power! FOR THE HONOUR OF GRAYSKULL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Time for bed

R is up at stupid o'clock tomorrow morning. But it's all good, he spoke to the BG tonight. Unfortunately the "Can she be somewhere quiet at the right time?" simple request didn't work, esp as she wasn't actually *with* her mother because her mother was walking a horse. Oh well. Hopefully she's earning plenty of money from it.

Other wise, today has been a fabulous day. We've shopped for food, R has cleared the garden and we had a lovely time this afternoon, just relaxing as a family, the boys playing on the DS, I read more of "The Name of the Wind" (Loving this book!) and we barbecued for tea. How relaxed and chilled is that?

I've had a long bath, and I've marked all the Y3 papers, eventually. It was a struggle and I'll post the pictures tomorrow for why that was!

And now to bed.

Some thingsare known only to God

I recieved this today, in an email, from someone on a message board I am on. I am choosing not to answer on the board, for reasons which will become clear as I answer it on here. I hope. The basic situation is that something was said, a long time ago, and it upset someone else, so person 2 asked the moderators about it, and the moderator said "Lets not talk about it anymore" Consequently, and several months on, all hell is *still* breaking loose. So I suggested that we leave the subject and move on.

A vantage point from someone who is MUCH older than you and who has learnt from painful experience:
You do NOT have the option of "getting on with life" until you have resolved the underlying issues. Oh, you might seem to. You may fool yourself for a while...I know I did. I said: This man is different, this school is different, this career is different, I will raise my child differently, I will move on from an abusive past, I will forget the trauma I lived through... But until I faced it and worked through it, "moving on" was only running away and stuffing down feelings. Until you solve the underlying problem, you can't REALLY move on. Once you face it, then you move on effectively.

Now there are many issues that I could raise - just what does age have over experience? My mother is much older than me, but has no experience of divorce, thankfully. How does this person know just what I've been through? She doesn't. And that's ok. That's fine, because she, like all of us on the internet, has a picture of the person she thinks she knows, learnt through email, maybe through blogs, who knows, but it is almost impossible to know a person through their written words alone.

But this is not my real point.

My real point is this. Sometimes, we just have to walk on. Moving on, as this person sees it, is just running away, not dealing with the issues. In some respects she has a point. If our history is not something that we learn from, then we are destined to repeat it. But in other ways, she doesn't.

For example. Miscarriages. I have had them. At some point after each one, I had to walk on. There is no reason. I can ask and ask until the cows come home, or I can praise God for my son. I can walk into the future with him, or I can dwell in the pits of the past, wrapped in my own sorrow, and demanding answers, refusing to live my life until I *know* - but for this, there is no knowing. Some things are known only to God.

For example. Alcoholics. I married one. What makes a man an alcoholic? I could write for days about his dysfunctional family, his brilliant mind, his self image issues, but I know others with the same kinds of things going on who aren't alcoholics. So what makes him do it? Worse, he was a binge alcoholic, so he would go weeks without a drink, then spend 7 days out of his mind on cheap cider. Not even he knew why. So I left him, in the hope he would hit rock bottom and we would work our way up together. But no, his mother took him in, and he was a further 18 months a drinker. I moved on, with much, much sorrow, because I loved him, but I was no good for him. I facilitated his drinking. But did I sit and wonder why he was an alcoholic, and refuse to see another man until I knew why? No. I moved on, in faith, because some things are known only to God. Because I moved on, I was, and am able, to spend my life with an wonderful man, who enjoys a drink every now and again, but is not an alcoholic, without me worrying about his drinking, safe and secure in the knowledge that he would never raise a hand to me, never hurt me, and respects me in an honourable manner. Amazing.

For example depression.
For example not putting children first, regardless of the adults petty needs and wants.
For example murder.

For example so many, many things. If I was to seek answers for all of them, then my world would crumble around me as I navel-gazed my way to my doom. I have to have faith, to accept that there are things I do not know and to move on from them. To accept that some things are known only to God and trust that He holds that knowledge for His own good reasons. It doesn't mean I pretend they didn't happen, just that whilst I accept they did, I also accept I don't know, and I don't need to know why.

In this particular senario, is it important that I know what was said in the first place and by whom? The nosy part of me says yes, I must know! But the practical part says no, what's the point? Either we can move on and stay together, or we can't. Either way, what will be will be and is part of His plan. I do not need to know the details so that I can forgive them, forget them, and move along. I just need to have faith in the ladies around me, faith in the moderators, and the knowledge that I am working towards a future, not dwelling in the past.

If I couldn't move on without 100% of the knowledge, I would be stagnant. To continually pick at the scar that all this has left the group is meaning that the group is unable to heal. I do not know how blood and tissue, or miscommunication and misperception are mended, but I trust God enough to leave it alone and let it fix.

I don't need to know, because He does.


Saturday, May 23, 2009

15 down....

..... 20 to go.

And that's the Year 3 papers.

Then it's 45ish Year 4 papers.

Then it's reports.

And then we're done.

But for tonight, I'm done anyway.

BG phoned, which was lovely, to tell her Daddy she saw a horse shake like a dog. That's cool. My cynical side is whispering, but I'm refusing to let it lol!

We're off to bed. G'night all! Time for snuggling and so on in this house!

Roll on Tuesday!

We went into the sewing shop today. R has bought me a walking foot, and paid for it, and laid it down until Tuesday.

Why Tuesday?

Because on Tuesday I am going to the sewing shop for my first quilting course! It's a day, and there's basically a teacher to help us do whatever we would like to do (I'm doing log cabin blocks, sashing, and learning how to use a walking foot lol!) The teacher, who happens to be the grandmother of one of the children in my class and is utterly lovely, is going to show me both a foundation way of doing it and another way, (presumably without foundation?!). It's onlky 10-3, it is certainly a hobby course, and I'm not going to pretend I'll get a qualification out of it, although we're looking at me doing my City and Guilds in September if KL college does it. It's not expensive and it's so important to keep a brain functioning, and to have something that isn't work.

I think that's where I've been going wrong recently - everything has been work related. Well, work or the AC or R, because, not in that order, they are the most vital things in my life. R and I have agreed that AC needs to grow up with a good work ethic. He already knows that a person has to work to pay the bills - nothing comes for free, although the things that matter, they *do* come for free, like cuddles and kisses and smiles and helping and loving. No price on those! Petrol and gas and electricy and food and so on, those need paying for lol! He understands about mortgages, because that's why Mummy goes to work, and as soon as she doesn't need to pay the bills, then Mummy will stay home with him as much as he wants her too. Except he'll be at school probably!

I wanted to homeschool, but now he's in school, I don't know if I would pull him out. The school is a good school, he has a good teacher this year, and although next years is an unknown quantity as the one he should have had is leaving, I have faith in his school as a nurturing environment. We have faith in BG's school as a nurturing environment, and I think her teacher knows that lol! Education is so important for these children, the same as it is for any children. But I have the knowledge to homeschool. Whether I would past age 11 I don't know - I don't have the subject specialism knowledge or the access to lab etc that AC would need. Hmmmmmm

I bet I could get it though......

However, AC's dad would never agree to it, R wouldn't be too fond of the idea with how well AC is now doing socially, and I respect the views of the other two people in this parenting partnership. I wouldn't make an arbitary decision, even though it would be better for me, without big input from those around me and his teachers at the moment. Even though they are friends, I trust them professionally in a different way to as a friend.

And so moving on, I must mark more SATs papers. I say more. I mean some.

I have to start them........ But I have achieved a lot today, mainly by avoiding the papers!

Back to Normal Service

HA!

Whatever *that* is!

So, the plan for half term is to complete reports, mark SATs, and clean the house, getting rid of stuff as we go. We really do accumulate stuff over the winter! We're also going to be in a position to deal with the garden as well, as we now have a brown bin to put the waste in.

AC is here on Monday, and on Thursday, so we'll all go out those days. R has to work, but he's on lates so hopefully that's not going to be too late and does give us the morning together. We'll go and feed ducks and play at the park and so on. Nothing amazing.

AC has decided he wants to be off of scheme books and onto being a free reader by the time school finishes. That's his target, not mine. He wants to go up to Y2 as a free reader because then he can choose his own books and they need not be boring ones. I think we'll give him a book budget, and he can start to take responsibility for choosing his own level as well, and we'll restart going to the library and so on. That will be easier because we will no longer have KSW on a Monday so that will go back to being a lovely relaxed day again. It will mean his father has to take him on a Wednesday and a Friday to start with, and then just one of those and to his Saturday sparring class, but we'll see how all that works out. His father still hasn't got a job, and when he does no doubt everything will change anyway!

We are nothing if not flexible!

And I did get the information from the She-Ex in the end. They've been reading, they've been writing letters in the bath and in the garden, and surprise surprise, her reading is getting better! Shock horror! Now think where BG could have been with this little input every night for the last 2 years? Or with actually doing her homework at home, instead of with her teacher at a playtime a week (missing out vital social skills, but as a teacher, I'd have sacrificed 1 of my breaks a week to help a struggling child like BG as well) Her teacher has done amazingly well, and is a wonderful woman. We enjoy talking to her and she is always so positive about BG, but without glossing over the problems.

However, looking ahead, and looking forward, the She-Ex and BG are doing work at home. I'm looking forward to seeing the evidence of this, not because I don't trust the She-Ex to be honest, but because it would be nice to see the progress. Maybe this year, we'll actually get a Fathers Day card that BG has written.

That would be cool.

Anyway

On with the day.

Step 1 - clear dining room table of sewing things.

Step 2 - make a cup of tea.

Step 3 - mark 10 SATs papers.

And then I shall return.

Prayers needed

It's not often I would post something like this, and I'm sticking it out to all my newsgroups and everywhere that a Christian might read it and have time to approach the Throne for us.

We have some big decisions to make in the next week, and we need prayer that we make them the right way. They don't just concern us, they concern other people, they concern the consequences of our decisions being life-changing. We have some things to investigate over the next few days before a decision is made around Tuesday, and then another one is made later in the week (not sure when yet)

Please pray for clarity of thought for us, for the ability to make unemotional decisions, and for the ability to think about what is best for everyone, and above all, what God wants.

Thankyou. I'm sorry to be obtuse, and there will be more details available later on, but right now everything is so delicate I'm almost afraid to put it into words. God knows though, and He has a plan. Just wish I knew what it was.

Friday, May 22, 2009

A night of conflicting emotions

Tonight is being an interesting night. We are both frustrated, we are both thinking hard about the things that happen outside of our door - everything within the door is gorgeous!


We'll work it out. We will.

I've just had an email about machine embroidery from the She-Ex. It's not my thing tbh. I know it is enjoyed by lots of people, but it's more machine than I would like to use and claim as my own work. That's cool if other people like it though. Weird world if we all liked the same!

Joe the Cat went to the Vet today. He's still overweight, but he is in superb condition for an FIV cat, Vet woman said he clearly has very responsible owners (he does!) and very practical ones (indeed so!) She was pleased that we had told her nurse and her that Joe is FIV as it means they take extra precautions with anything that comes into contact with him or his fluids. But he's in excellent health, it's unusual to see an FIV cat who is overweight, but he's still coming down in weight, so we'll keep going as we are, cutting out a little more food. We took down an example of what he was fed, and she was happy with it, and believes the overweightness comes from him eating whatever there is as a left over from his scavenger days.

It was all good.

(And apparently my reply of Thanks, but it's not for me, didn't go down so well with the She-Ex. Oh well. I'm still waiting on the stuff about BG. One week is wasted already.)

The new bag

The new bag was finished last night. No pattern, just a sketched out plan and some imagination!



The stitching is better than on the last one, so that's an improvement, although there is still plenty of progress to be made. The back is quilted, but not the front. This means it's soft on my hip, but I can feel what's in it without looking!


It's based on a black bag I have that is great, but isn't quite big enough for my Organisedmum Family Life book (the best diary known to man and woman kind btw!). I have been carrying two bags, or a bag inside a bag with the FLB next to it, but this option came up from the generous gift of corduroy fabric I recieved, and I did it! YAY ME!


I made it so that the front flap will tuck over the diary and then down behind it, and the back flap will come forward and over the top. In retrospect, I will be making the back flap longer next time I do one of these (and we know the bag thing is here to stay!) and then that should make it more secure.

However, I love it!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Nearly half term....

... nearly ...... nearly........

Today has been a long day. Ok, yesterday didn't finish until stupid o'clock, but I wasn't unhappy with that, as I was expecting to sleep longer! But 0430 seems about average now.

I got lots done though, and got to school to find a DISASTER zone in my classroom, as left for me from yesterday. The kids and I soon sorted it out, it wasn't their fault.

Maths SATS came and went and now are sitting on the dining room table waiting to be marked. The reports are waiting to be written. But it's half term next week, so no problems, I can do most of it then, if I put my mind to it and keep it there lol!

Anyway, I must get on with the service sheet for tonight, and then I'll take photos of the new thing I made last night and finished this afternoon when I got back from school.

I like it.

A lot.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Fabric

I love it.

I was given some navy blue Corduroy today and there is TONNES of it. Ok, not literally, but there's a lot.

I'm getting off of here at 9pm so I can make with it! A surprise make at that. One with no pattern. One that may not go well. But hey - a person can try!

IN other news, AC is reading this


and we are up to here


which is the "very exciting bit". Sam and Adam are being very brave apparently, and he would do the same thing.

That's nice to know if I ever get stuck on a mountain. I'll have company!

He reads very fluently, but we're still having to work on reading with expression! He'll get there - he is only 5! (Ok, 6 in 17 days - he works it out on the calendar each morning!)

And now BG is calling! YAY! She wants to know if we have exciting news.

Tesco?
Cleaning the kitchen?
Doctor?

LOL!

Not a very exciting day really. :-)

And I'm back.

And the answer is.....

Wait and see.

No, that's not me being coy, that was the answer.

R is not happy. We're deciding what to do. I can go on like this, I can manage, and it is getting better. The doc could give me things it wasn't but not what it actually was.

So.

Yeah.

Great use of a day.

Waiting

I hate this bit.

I'm waiting to leave for the hospital. I've phoned up and yes, the clinic is still running. I can see the Dr. I have so many nerves it is unreal, and no reason for them. There's nothing he can't already tell me that I don't already know or suspect.

And besides which, IT WILL ALL BE FINE! I have said so!

So.

Time to get on.

Peculiar day......

.... I think.

Today is going to be one of those strange days. I have hospital at 12noon, but not at my normal hospital, and for no reason that I know of. I've just had a letter and I need to go. Because of when and where it is, R has had to take a day off work (new work is *very* accommodating in many ways) and I have a whole day away from school.

R has offered to do the school run so I don't have to hurry myself *at all* today. I will probably do it though. The walk up there will be nice, I can double check the SATs arrangements with the two most excellent supply teachers, and besides which, it is a long held belief of mine that parents should go to school with their child as much as possible!

There are no pictures this morning, and I thought there would be lots from the Track and Field day that they had at BGs school. I expect they will turn up during the day sometime. The She-Ex is being nice again at the moment. We haven't heard from her about her horse course, but it would be unusual for anyone to fail a hobby based week course! I hope she did well. We have had 5 pictures of the BG though, and an email complaining about the blog, but that's ok. It's her opinion and she's entitled to it. I don't name call or insult her (somewhere I have a list of the things she's called me - I used to amuse myself by ticking them off, looking for originality!) and actually, I quite like her in her own way. I don't think R has had any email at all - they've all come to me again.

We'll see how it all goes. Hopefully R will be able to speak to BG when he calls tonight, or when they call here, or whatever happens. He can tell her how proud we are of her.

I finished the outside of Sambears tent last night, from the technical drawings supplied by R and my son, working together. We shall see how it turns out!

And so onwards!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Tonight

I am stitching a tent for Sam-bear, details to be shown later, oh avid reader. R is here, watching me, caring for me, wanting to make my world better. He can, and he will, because we are like that. Sometimes, most times, we are all we need.

We have beautiful children, for whom we are there as much as we can, and of whom we are proud. We have had email tonight to make us very proud, and R is looking forward to telling BG tomorrow. We have a good home, and our emptiness may yet be filled. There is always hope, there is always faith, there is always persistence, and there is always God. As the previous post said "When you can't, He can".

So this is me, letting go, and letting God. He will do the things he needs to do, and he will make all things right, in his eyes.

Back to the Sam-bear tent. It's taking shape!

I need this right now.

When you are the neediest,
He is the most sufficient.
When you are completely helpless,
He is the most helpful.
When you feel totally dependent,
He is absolutely dependable.
When you are the weakest,
He is the most able.
When you are the most alone,
He is intimately present.
When you feel you are the least,
He is the greatest.
When you feel the most useless,
He is preparing you.
When it is the darkest,
He is the only Light you need.
When you feel the least secure,
He is your Rock and Fortress.
When you are the most humble,
He is the most gracious.
When you can't,
He can.

Sometimes life isn't fair....

... and sometimes it is.

Sometimes we can send a little sunshine someone elses way.

I like that.

I hope I sent sunshine today, even though, right now, all I feel is rain.

I shall bleach the kitchen, and think about the good things, and let you know what they are.

I forgot...

... to put up the photos!


R phoned me to tell ne that there was a gorgeous rainbow outside. He was right!


And then whilst I had the camera out I took pictures of the bag and boy. His idea to be in the pictures, and to pose....


I love the crazy patchwork side.



I love the bright Emily quilt side.




I love that child though.

0430 and I'm working....

... on a flip chart about paper planes.

I need an ups and downs post for yesterday. Or rather, in typical me style, a downs and ups post!

1) Woke up to email of pictures from the She-Ex. 16 pictures! Only 5 of the 16 actually had BG in them, but she was having fun, so all in all, it's an UP!

2) I didn't wake up to a reply from her about my blog. She's had a go the previous day, saying I show her as degenerate and unable to raise BG. I don't. I've said she could do more to help BG to read, which is true. I've said she could send more pictures and information this way, which is true. She says BG will read it one day and realise how badly I treated them. Well, unless She-Ex gives it to her, she won't, and I will cheerfully defend every single word to the BG if she does. And I told the She-Ex that, alongside, if you don't like it, don't read it. I was strong without being rude, so it's an UP!

3) VLE training happened. It was very, very hard work. No one else finds it as exciting as I do, (I'm a geek!) but then I was strong enough to say that we like it or lump it, but we still have to do it and I will give all the physical, practical, emotional help I can. That's for this, and for the Activ stuff as well, because if we want our BECTA mark, which we do, then we have to get on with this now. But the staff were encouraged, and were not shooting the messenger, and were clear about not shooting me, so that was an UP!

4) The AC is getting his white belt. He is going on up into Junior KSW, and his teacher has arranged it for a date which R can attend. Major UP! AC is so proud. A bit of focus and consistency of approach has done him the world of good. Sir thinks he could go a long way in this sport. Huge UP!

5) AC is on stage 8 reading. He is also above national average for most of the rest of what he does. Somehow, we are raising a smarty-pants! He hasn't found it easy, but he's getting there. We've all worked hard on it, and we're proud of him. He doesn't know his grades, there's no need, aside from the fact he has blasted through 2 stages of reading in as many months. Last nights book was "The Hot Pepper Queen and the Mango Babies" which was a weird story, but good. Anyway, fluent reader and happy at school. Humungous UP!

Ok, now it's 5 am, I've fed the animals, so I'm working for the next 30, then back here for a further update. I should get the blog button for this month as well.

Laters people

Monday, May 18, 2009

Of Lily Allen

I shouldn't like *this*

It's from the Lily Allen album "It's not me, it's you"

Don't look at the link if you're easily offended by the word F*** as it appears multiple times. But this song really struck a chord with R and I. It's full of things we'd love to say.

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
Then look a bit harder
'Cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired
Of all the hatred you harbor

So you say it's not okay to be gay
Well, I think you're just evil
You're just some racist who can't tie my laces
Your point of view is medieval

F*** you, f*** you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

F*** you, f*** you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Do you get, do you get a little kick
Out of being small minded?
You want to be like your father
It's approval you're after
Well, that's not how you find it

Do you, do you really enjoy
Living a life that's so hateful?
'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be
You're losing control a bit
And it's really distasteful


F*** you, f*** you very, very much
'Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

F*** you, f*** you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

And then it continues in the same vein. And I shouldn't like it - it's full of cussing and rudeness, but actually, if you look at the actual words, it makes a lot of sense. Some people are just so small minded it's ludicrous. It's allegedly written against the BNP, (British National Party) and makes even more sense in that context.

Isn't it about time we had songs with meaning? Even if they are crude in the chorus lol! Some people should just be told to get stuffed, utterly, and with meaning.

And the version with the Cadbury children is wickedly funny.

Flowers

Today R bought me flowers. Randomly and beautifully. From Tesco, and with Top Trump cards for the boy, but with much love and amazingness. He is like that. Like the flowers he is brilliant in his colours and design, tall, strong and proud, and yet still needs caring for in a way that it would seem only I can. How amazing is that?

At the weekend it was commented on by V that we clearly hadn't let the romance go. It was thought we couldn't have been together that long to be the way we were with each other. But we have been over 3 years now, and it is stronger than ever, and will get stronger, I know it.

It's the random things. Like flowers.

He's amazing.

Not me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Well, here goes.

On Tuesday last week I did not get lost walking back from a different school to here when I only had to walk along the footpath. I also did not get lost wearing boots which I literally did not walk the heels off of because I had to walk so far.

The following day I did not take bread for lunch intending to toast it. I did not toast and burn said bread. I did not, definitely, did not, cause the staff room to have smoke in it, thus setting off the smoke alarm. As a consequence, I did not cause the school to be evacuated, the canteen to be emptied, the children to be late having their lunches, the dinner ladies to be irritated and the head teacher to nearly suffocate himself trying not to laugh whilst I explained the situation in utter red-faced embarrassment.

None of those things were me.

Really.

The rest of the week has been pretty mild, in non-comparison.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Look what I did win!

I have delayed the writing of this post because I wanted to be sure I would be able to get the prize without it being too expensive for the person sending it - I usually check what country give-aways are in, but I forgot this time.

LOOK WHAT I DID WIN!

SemiOrganisedMom had a competition about reasons to use cloth menstrual pads. And I left a comment, and she picked me!

YAY!

Aside from the fact that she has great choice in comments, she also has a great blog, very real, very ordinary life, which is good because most of our lives are ordinary. It's on my dashboard so that I pick it up when there's an update.

I am so excited about these pads. And yes, I'll be being a crunchy Mummy, and that's great - we all do things differently in this world, and I like the idea of this. Who knows, I may even make my own!

LOL!

Night night folks - time for bed for me. UP in 7 hours!

Look what I did make!

The other day I thought I would try some crazy patchwork. It's in the book I got, and it looks great. So I made a square of it that, un-co-incidently enough was the same size as the trial patch I made for Emily's quilt.

Today I made handles, stitched them in, lined it, stitched it all together, and it's done!


Da-dah!
t
The bright side is Emily's quilt, and the pale side is Lilly's quilt, so that appealed to me as well. There's even some spare blocks in Lilly's side.

I love it. I'll take better pictures tomorrow, but I'm tired from last night now lol!

Laters people.

Look who we did see!

London Baby! (You'd have to be as old as me to get that reference lol!)

When you look into the mirror, tell me what do you see? (Again, you need to be old for that one as well!)


Can't help loving that man of mine.......


The wheels on the bus.......

Friends from the Abroad. I have many, but now I have several IRL as well!

We had a fabulous day, we went to The Porterhouse and met friends and it was a good laugh. We wouldn't have gone, but the AC was off chasing railway engines with his Daddy, so that was cool, he was already gone! LOL

And when I got back.......

The trouble with trains.

The trouble with trains journeys is rude people with MP3 players who have them up too loud. I can hear one now that is just irritating me intensely.

This is the slow train to home, calling at evry "shack, palais, and blade of grass" as we used to say. I still say it.

and this is just a short blog to trial mobile blogging. 3 finally managed to log on!

And so to sleep....

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Going to the Smoke.

Wheeee!

We're going to London for a weekend in the city! The AC is at his fathers until Sunday evening so that they can go and see a railway that only opens every third Sunday of the month. R knew I would be miserable, knew that there was something on in London, so we're going up, going to visit friends, stay overnight and that kind of thing. It will be MARVELLOUS!

He spoke to the BF again last night. Very chatty and inquisitive (I think the She-Ex is still away doing her horse course) until school was mentioned. Oh dear. No answer on the spelling front, so probably didn't do so well. But then, her mother was away, and that little girl needs consistency. It pulls against all my children first principles, but then I'm not her mother, like I'm not the mother of so many children I see who just *need* a consistent, permanently there, parent, regardless of toys and the flaming Electronic Babysitter. (a.k.a. The TV)

Not soapboxing this morning - too excited, although I am returning to bed in a bit for more sleep as it will be a looooooooooooooooong day! And night. And then tomorrow.

Work was work, I got all the papers fixed for SATs, and had a very productive meeting with the TempHead. Shame we can't keep him actually. He says everything I have to say is logical, practical, and needs doing.

I know. I just said it!

But it's nice to feel valued at work.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Bamboo!

I have a Bamboo tablet. I'm only just getting the hang of it and it's great actually.

It'll take some getting used to, but I've got rid of the mouse to make myself get used to it.

And earlier today I had lots to say, but right now, apparently not.

Never mind.

What am I?

I took the Myers-Briggs personality test here, just to see. it had been discussed on a group I belong to.

Apparently I am INFJ

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:
  • moderately expressed introvert
  • slightly expressed intuitive personality
  • distinctively expressed feeling personality
  • slightly expressed judging personality
YOUR TYPE
I N F J
Strength of the preferences %
56 12 62 22



Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).


There's a more detailed anaylsis here of my type. It's really interesting, and I'm going to look at it more.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Not so cute.

My son refused to get in the shower this morning.

He said he wasn't sharing....




And yes, that is cat hair and cat litter. I rinse the bath every day whilst the shower warms up for the boy, just for that reason.

But that is a HUGE spider by my standards. R moved it to the shed.

We had a long talk this morning as well, sitting on the stairs, about the state of flux we are in whilst we wait for things that we cannot control to happen around us. We've done the things we can, we've proven what we've proven, now we just have to wait.

And wait.

I'm not good at waiting.

However, we had a lovely phonecall with BG last night, very chatty and apparently not gone to visit her mother in The Wilderness. She wouldn't talk about school, but she would talk about life in general.

So we'll see.

Anyway, we must go!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Wasn't Me Wednesday.

But unfortunately it was.

*I* burnt my lunchtime toast.

That meant that the smoke alarm triggered.

That meant that the fire alarm went off.

That meant that the playground, school and canteen had to be evacuated, everyone lined up, everyone counted.

That was me.

And that was the best part of my day. So now I'm going to bed, and I'll blog all about it in the morning.

Night night.

Up at 0445


And not tired. Can you tell?

I was getting up anyway, so I said he could get up but no tv, no books, no toys, lie on the sofa. It worked. Back asleep by 0500.

I got loads of work done, loaded the dishwasher, put some washing on, put the bread on on timer, all that kind of thing.

Still very sore from yesterday, but a shower helped. Sometimes being environmentally friendly can be a *very* good thing ;-)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

In which I walk for miles, get lost, and clarify my thoughts.

Oh my word.

It is a standing joke amongst my family that I know my way to Grandma's house from the Texaco garage.

This is not much of a joke until you realise that the Texaco garage is 0.5 miles from their house, and I would have had to negotiate the previous 196 miles!

Today I went to look around another school. There was a vacancy for a Food Tech Teacher at the local Complex Needs School. But as soon as I walked in and met the head, it was not for me. You know how you know what a place is like when you walk in somewhere? Regardless of what is going on? I felt it. I felt the "Nope, not here." but I looked around anyway. There was some great stuff. The sensory room, the soft play, the hydrotherapy pool, they were all great, but the children were huge. This is essentially a secondary post, and with children who have moderate and severe learning difficulties. I like primary children with complex needs. There's a difference.

The head was very positive, encouraged me to apply, offered to have the Food Tech teacher available for me to call, and so on, but I honestly don't think this job is for me, even without the difficulties of caring for the AC. Had I have wanted to do it, then unless the AC could have been cared for properly, I wouldn't have done it anyway - at the end of the day he is my priority, regardless of how much I want to work in schools like this. I think in a couple of years, that there will be an advert for a primary teacher at a special school, and I'll be in like Flynn.

And then I walked back. It was only 2 miles, that's barely 30 mins. But I was over an hour getting home, getting lost, getting rescued by asking people with dogs, traversing housing estates, industrial estates, and finally finding my way by seeing the B&Q through the trees and trying to work out how to get there.

It's all good now though. R ran me a bath, we've talked about the day, I'll talk more with him later, and there is no news from the She-Ex as she is apparently roughing it in the wilderness for a week whilst she learns how to do horse massage. We have a week of no contact, which will be great. BG is left at home with Grandma and hopefully has started the work that was left.

And now I'm so tired and ache so much I'm going to bed.

Night night all. I'll read you in the morning.

I cannot count

... and so the bread won't be ready until around 7am. Which is a problem as R has to leave at 7am. Which means he'll be sorting out his own lunch today I think. I'll speak to him and see what he says.

Not yet, obviously, as we are still in the land of me being up and working and everyone else asleep. But there was no mouse today, so that is good.

I'm going to look around another school today, and see what it's like. It's a Complex Needs School, it would mean some rather drastic changes in our lives, but on the other hand, it would also be some good changes in our lives.

I'll post about it later when I'm home. It is only about 3 miles away, so not so far really.

And now I have to transfer our results onto a sheet, which I have already done, but which I am doing again, because apparently the office have lost the previous one.

I am not being gumpy about this pointless waste of my time......

Monday, May 11, 2009

Not me Monday

Well,

1) I did not get up today to find a dead field mouse in the front room, and then congratulate the cat, pop said field mouse into empty marg tub, then forget to put empty (but sealed) marg tub in the bin before leaving the house.

2) I did not then spend an hour working, save work onto my memory stick, and forget to take memory stick to work. Nope. Not me!

3) I did not walk to school, sneaking through the flats, pretending to be Anakin Skywalkers padwan. I did not threaten the child, otherwise known as Darth Sidious, with my invisible purple lightsaber, much to the delight of the builders in the flats.

4) I did not, on arriving at school and discovering I had left all the stuff at home, decide to sit down and have a cup of tea and ginger biscuits with the child to calm down.

5) I also did not lie to the children about the importance of SATs. I did not say that they are just for the teachers and the government make us do them.

I did not do all of those things by 9am. Nope. Not me.

And you should have seen the rest of the day!

Warmth and love

... and that's about all I need.

I went to bed after posting, he came up a bit later, and I was asleep, but woke up enough to feel him climb in next to me, wrap himself around me, and whisper how much he loved me in my ear. And I was warm, and loved, and the world became a nicer place.

Other fantabulous things that happened yesterday were that the She-Ex phoned here because they were going out for Mothers Day, and R and BG had a good conversation. I had asked her to let us know what was going on with the call and so on, but she didn't/couldn't so I was kneeling on the table with my hand down the back of the computer helping R feed the cables up! I just stayed there whilst he chatted, and then he finished talking to BG and put the phone down. It went again, he answered it, and then gave the phone to me, and BG said "Happy Mothers Day S" and I was so blessed by that! And she said she loves me.

I happy danced all over the house!

AC was a bit confused because we have Mothering Sunday in the middle of Lent, as a faith festival as opposed to a Hallmark one, and he thought he'd forgotton something, but I reassured him and all was well.

So top things from yesterday....

BG saying Happy Mothers Day.
R clearing out the garage.
AC being on Stage 8 books - he was only on Stage 2 in September. That's a lot of progress!
I finished the stripes. (photos to follow)
I quilted the test piece for Emily's quilt. (photos to follow)
We had delicious eggy bread for lunch.
Church meeting was good.

ASide from the floatyness, yesterday was a good day!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

And. So. But.

Bah.

I'm going to watch Secret Millionaire. I like Secret Millionaire.

Food parcels. Starving Dundoinians? Dundeenians? People who live in Dundee. Starving. No food for a week, type starving.

This is such a drfiting post. That should say drifting. It's a drifting post. I'm in a drifting frame of mind.

So I'm turning off my brain and just letting it flow.

It's not like I don't have reasons to be cheerful. I have several, lots and buckets of them. I have a gorgeous son, who loves me, misses me, wants me around in his life for ever and ever and ever. I have a wonderful man who buys me flowers randomly, who celebrates the joy of my life and holds my hand in the dark times, who is my defense as well as my support. How does he manage that? I have a fabulous extended family who cherish my family, who loved to be cherished in return, who love and laugh and play together. I have a job I love, with children who need me, with colleagues who are mostly great and even the not great ones aren't so bad. I have a good house, a good income, a good everything.

So why so floaty?

I don't know. Maybe it's tv, too much of it.

Maybe it's reports and so on that need doing.

Maybe it's the house that is so much better, but still needs so much doing.

Maybe maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe baby. (Was that a song?) Who knows.

*******************
I've just sat here for 5 minutes. Doing nothing, hearing nothing, being nothing. Existing in a bubble of my own emptyness. I feel like I'm poking the emptyness, and I know what I will find. I don't want to poke it too hard, because I don't want to open it, I just want to leave it all be. And there we go.

Is it best to poke stuff until you "work it out" "work through the pain" "embrace the problem"? Or is it the better idea to "box it in" "let it go" "let time be a great healer"?

Who knows.

Maybe, who cares.

You know what though? I know R cares. I know that tonight we will go to bed and he will hold me and we will talk in the darkness and we will make it better, between us, even if it's just me talking and him listening, or the other way around. He will hold me, and his breath will fall on my neck, his arms will draw me into him, his legs will wrap around mine, and he will whisper that he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, that I am special and he's proud of me, and whatever happens he loves me, however I am, or I look, or I feel or whatever. Anything.

That is a truly amazing thing. It is a miracle. It is something I do not deserve, that I was not looking for, that I never expected to find. I had expected it to be the AC and I for the rest of our days, (well, not his, obviously) but I had expected it to be work and the boy and that would be that. To wake up in the morning and see R, is something that enthralls me, even now.

And now I'm smiling. Because he doesn't know I'm writing this. He doesn't know that I'm sitting here, feeling so deeply loved and in love that it almost hurts. I love him, my bear of a man. I love him, I need him, I want him, I desire him, I love him.

He makes me smile, inside.

I am so lucky.

I was right.

I sent an email to the She-Ex on Friday. It was after I sent the programme of study for BG. That all looked doable, but it was messy. I said, well, she's a kinesthetic child, leaving out that she was haptic probably, this is what she needs, your mother will just have to cope. And really, there's nothing that messy.

I got an email back saying she would figure it out, and a load of other random bits and pieces, mainly to do with BG making her something for Mothers Day (I was really good and didn't mention Fathers Day at all which we have seen NOTHING for, ever.) and random stuff like getting a new embroidery design for the machine. I don't know what kind of machine, but I know there's machines that do your embroidery for you - so why bother? How craftsman is that? Um. It's not lol! But then I feel like I'm cheating when I use the sewing machine for quilting, and I'm just stitching the bits together with it. Anyway.

She also said that there were parts of the email she didn't understand. Fair enough, although they could be googled they are technical words. I explained kinesthetic, and tactile, and gave a brief explaination of the 5 types of learning. (This is now Saturday, after having to resend the email)

And then I said that she would need to be careful because when she modelled writing for BG, she would need to make sure that she got it all correct. I think I've upset her. I said I thought I would in the email, but it needed saying. The emails we get are lacking in punctuation and spelling as well in some cases. BG needs accurate modelling. When R and I were cleaning out the place they lived in together we found bits and pieces that she had written, and again the punctuation and so on were lacking. But I know she can do it when she tries - she's not stupid, and I've never said she was.

I've sent her the Brain Gym stuff I have for Kinesthetic learners anyway. I need to do another blog post on Learning Styles I think! I'll add it to the list.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Already...

.. it's Saturday! When did that happen?

Today we *need* tyres for the car (not something we can really afford, but a puncture kind of means we have to!) we*need* to get BG's present. If we can't find the thing today, I think we'll just have to send the money to Mother of She-Ex and ask her to get it for BG. BG is adorable, but very specific in her wants! Every year we have supplied, but this year I'm starting to think it's a US only thing. (Reason number 1894 why life would be better if she and She-Ex lived over here lol!)

I would like to get some fabric. I know I only bought some the other day (shush now!) but I have a project I want to do. I'll post a link when I can find one. It's from a great book.

And I have to get dried and dressed or we'll be late for the tyre place. I know, blogging fresh out of the shower. That's time management that is! (or something)

Friday, May 8, 2009

How hard is it?

To turn a TV off?

Really.

Apparently.

Goodnight.

I just don't know.

I just don't know.

The first responses have been so negative. Still says it'll happen, but already there are problems with doing what needs doing.

I just don't know. I mean, why ask for help, that she knows what I'm going to say, just to say that it's too much, too messy, too many technical difficulties with her schedule, too much interference from other people.

Well, she says she's still going to do it, and I'm proud of her for that. BG needs the messy stuff, and she needs to do the cross patterning, the light vestibular stuff that she'll be doing. Those pathways are not connected in her brain, and this is one way of doing it that is most likely to work.

It's a good thing that she's more kinesthetic and haptic than olefactory! That could be very tricky!

Cutting out is going well though. This quilt top might not take long at all.

POS

I have just spent the last hour devising an initial programme of study for BG.

It is the simplest of simple things, and based on what we do in school with the Special Needs children. All it needs is time invested in her. I can't do that, and my word I wish I could. She needs no harsh words, or harsh faces, even unintentionally, right now.

This is what I sent. Maybe it will help someone else this summer as well!

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What she needs to be doing initially is just practising what she does know. Reading books with cvc words in them (consonant, vowel, consonant), that kind of thing. She has very little confidence in her own ability, and knows it is a source of stress and irritation for you. I know it's hard, but she needs you to hide that as much as possible. If she doesn't think you believe in her, then she won't believe in her.

She needs consistency as well as variety. That isn't a contradiction in terms lol! She needs to sit down, at the same time every day, read to you, and do her homework, and look at her spelling words, or whatever words she is learning.

An example program of study would be something like :

Monday - 2 pages reading, 10 minutes on the homework sheet for the day, 5 minutes matching her spelling words. You'd need to write the spelling set out again so she had them twice, muddle them on the table, and she needs to match them up. You could advance this into a pelmanism type game for her and you to play together. 1 sentence in her diary about the day - written by you, dictated by her, sounded out by you as you write it.

Tuesday - 2 pages reading, 10 minutes on the homework sheet for the day, 5 minutes where she chooses a spelling word and then finds the letters that make it. Can she do it before you count to 10? 1 sentence in her diary about the day, written by you, dictated by her, sounded out by you as you write it.

Wednesday - 2 pages reading, 10 minutes on the homework sheet for the day, 5 minutes where she writes the words in something - sand, flour, paint, foam in the bath, but what ever it is, she traces her finger through the substance. Photograph each one digitally. 1 sentence about the day, written by you on paper, for her to copy into her diary.

Thursday - 2 pages reading, 10 minutes on the homework sheet for the day, 5 minutes of turning over a spelling word, and giving you a context sentence that it would go in. Write the word on a sheet of paper. Choose one of the words and draw a picture of the sentence that it would go in. 1 sentence in her diary, written by you on paper, for her to copy into her diary.

Friday - 2 pages reading, 10 minutes on the homework sheet for the day, 5 minutes of writing the spelling words onto lined paper, copying them carefully, then underlining each sound in a different colour. i.e. kind mouse. If you always underline the vowel sounds in one of two colours - one colour for long sounds, one colour for short sounds, then that will start to help her as well. 1 sentence in her diary, written by you into the diary, with a word missed out that she thinks she can write, and then she writes it in.

Saturday - 2 pages reading, 10 minutes on the reading response sheets, 5 minutes of each choosing a word and testing each other on how it is spelt. 1 point/treat/whatever for each one either of you get right. Match the words to the digital photographs that you took earlier in the week. 1 sentence in her diary, written by you, with a word missed out that she thinks she can write, then she writes it in.

Sunday - 2 pages reading, 10 minutes on reading response sheets, 5 minutes of you say the word, she writes it down, then you check each word together, after each word. You write the word under her word, and she tells you which bits she has right, and which bits she needs to change. 3 sentences in the diary written by you, with a last sentence written by her.

This programme supposes that she has a spelling test on a Monday, which I don't think she does, but you could alter the spelling activities to later in the week as long as they start with each set of words. Each days diary work needs to start with her finding the name of the day and copying it into her diary, then you write the rest of the date.

She will need a reward chart, with 4 boxes for each day initially, 1 sticker or whatever for each of the 4 activities. Completed charts get prizes! Yay! lol. Obviously if she doesn't need 10 minutes on the homework sheet, then it's done earlier and that's great!

On top of all this the things you always do will need to continue, like reading her a story each night and talking about it, looking for words the same and so on. It's basically about exposing her to as many words at her level as possible, playing games with it all, and making it fun.

Over the summer I will happily supply you with words for her to work on for a week at a time, and with Promethean charts which may help her (you can download a free reader for it, I'll give you the address later) We will start with her list of catch up words and go on from there. I can model any activities you aren't sure of, (I'm sure AC will join in!) so do ask. I have done a video of listening to AC read to me which might help you, although he irritatingly enough decided not to make many mistakes that day, but made loads the next when I wasn't taping it for you! I'll have another go over the weekend sometime.

And I think that's me done for now. Any questions lol? I know it looks like a lot of work. But the thinking is all done, it's just the doing that needs doing. This programme would follow like this for probably a month, with you letting us know each week what she has done, and scanning in or photographing or videoing as much as possible so I can tailor things where necessary. The more information you can give me, the better her chances are.

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It was long, and I hope it doesn't put her mother off, but there's so much I can suggest, and so little I can do. If they were living here it would be so much easier - except she would never have got to this point in the first place. And if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, I know.