Thursday, December 31, 2009

Off to america-land!

We're giving into peer pressure, the boy and I , and are going to America-land for the New Year eve, to spend it with some lovely friends of ours who are at the local USAF base.  It will be a gentle evening of eating junk food, watching bad sci-fi films and the Ac will play x-box games with their teenage son, who is a darling, darling boy.

It will be fun, and it will be something we have never done.

Usually, in fact every one of the 4 New Years that Rich and I had together, we would have invites to go out to at least 3 places, and we would stay home, together, eat jaffa cakes, drink a couple of pints, then drink tea, and then watch Jools Holland, curled up on the sofa together.  It's not because we didn't like other people - there's lots of people that we like - it's because we liked being together.

So today, tonight, we won't be together, although I expect he'll be around, but I'll be safe with friends, with my son, emotionally and physically secure with people that we love and that love us.  The joy is that the AC and I could be in any one of 11 different places tonight, and be physically and emotionally safe and secure with people that we love.

We are lucky, and we are loved.

(And to keep with that theme, I have not opened the email from the She-Ex.  She's not bursting this bubble like she always wants to.)

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

YAY!

I'm tired!

I might actually sleep!

YAY!

I'm going to watch the news and go to bed.

AC is over fed with rubbish but he's calmed down after lots of cuddles and snuggles and water.

He's happy that AB is on his way home from the hot and sandy lands.  He worries.  He worries for AB's daughter and if she worries about her Daddy.

AC is a good kid.  He values other people.  Rich was a good role model for him for that.    We wanted him to know that people matter more than things.  He got that.  He and Rich talked about a lot of stuff.  He was such a good father to my son, as a friend of mine said, "the child of his hearth and heart, and only accidentally not of his loins."  I'm happy with that.

I suspect.....

.... that the email in the She-Ex's folder is another horrible one.  It won't be an apology for the way she's behaved, I doubt it very much.  I didn't email her this morning.  I don't see why I should allow her to hurt me.  That's the choice I'm making.  I won't allow it.  So I will open her email sometime, but not yet.

Just now I freecycled my rocking chair.  Rich and I got it and we had planned for me to nurse our babies in it.  Well, that's not happening now, so it's gone to someone for whom it will happen.  It's a bittersweet feeling, but that's two words in one, and I choose the one I focus on, and I choose sweet.

There we go.

Anyway, AC is back in an hour or so. That will be fantastic! I miss him so much, but I know it's good for him to spend time with his father.  He loves him.  Rich could have gone other places instead of where he went, but he stayed around here so AC could see his Daddy,  He didn't want to put another child through the half of what BG had gone through, not if it could be avoided, and it could.

Right.  I need to find the muslin

That's what she said.....

This is in reply to the emotional post I sent yesterday.  I'm probably not going to send this, because it would just make things worse, and I don't want to do that, but she's being awful right now.  However, she always is around her birthday (January sometime early on) because she thinks she's old, fat and unloved. Hopefully the new job will cheer her out of that this year.  Anyway......

because Sarah you haven't told me what my options are for BG to have of her fathers.

can you THINK for a moment that maybe i cannot read your mind and see inside your house?

No

I guess not.

I want the wedding ring for BG
that is if he didn't shove it somewhere.

and frankly he wasn't a saint
he was horrible to me a good many times
and no..right now i cannot miss him very much.

I do however see how much better rachel is doing now that she knows her father will never take her away.


sorry but that's the truth

What I'd like to say.........

He never said to her, or to you, that he would take her away.  Your mother (you told us) said that if she was naughty she'd have to go live with Daddy.  Yeah, she did.  Rich never told her she'd come and live here.  She was supposed to be coming over for a visit last summer, but in the end her mother backed out of it all.  Oh well.  So BG hasn't seen her father since she was 3.5, and now she never will, and it's her mothers fault.  Her selfish choices did this to that little girl.  That's where all this comes from.  And if BG is doing so much better, why is the She-Ex hassling me for a DC so she can get BG medication?  I smell a rat here people!

Your wedding ring was, (you told us) thrown back into the house as you left.  I have no idea where that went.  Probably up a hoover.  But you clearly didn't want it for Rachel or you'd have kept it.  (I'd love to ask "Where did you think he would shove it?")

Rich's wedding ring was dealt with by him.  He took it out with him to the garden, and did whatever he needed to do with it, to unpromise himself from you.  You were refusing to get the divorce sorted, and we understood where you were emotionally with that, but spiritually, he was ready to move on from you.  so he did.  We Promised to each other, in a lovely, lovely way, and he wanted to be free of the burden of the She-Ex before he did it.  He also asked my parents if he could marry me, as well as asking me, which I thought was lovely and my parents really approved of.

He was never, ever horrible to me.  I know both of you were horrible to each other - no one I've spoken to has a good word to say for your relationship.  He thought you'd make life better after his father died, and he could escape.  He ran away from the pain, and into you.  What happened after that depends who I talk to.  You did nothing wrong, he did everything bad, according to you.  According to him, it was both of you, but mainly the internet stuff you got up to that was difficult for him to deal with - he doesn't share well lol!  But it's all water under the bridge.  I know the relationship we had, and it was amazing.  We had 3 arguments in the years we were together, and not because I backed down all the time, but because we love each other and we talked about things, we thought about what the other person would like.  It's how relationships work well. You see, that wouldn't go down well.  She's shouted at me before about my *perfect* relationship with Rich, and it wasn't perfect, but we didn't expect it to be and we worked hard to make it as good as we could.

With regards to what is in the house, well, you've made your position perfectly clear.  I will deal with it Lori, and BG will get a parcel from me, at some point, probably via I-t-B, or maybe when she comes over here some time, with the things I have set aside for her.  I had assumed that, as you had also lost your father at a reasonably young age, you would know what had mattered to you.  Now I know differently, and that's ok, I understand more.  Everything is a learning experience. She thinks he didn't have clothes? Or books? Or something?  What is she like?  All her junk from their house which is left in the loft is going to the dump then.  Or I'll sell it maybe.  I won't actually, I'll probably just charity shop it and it can do someone some good. 


What I have said.......

"







"


Much the best option I believe!  I love blogging - I get to vent and get it off my chest and it's done.  You'll note the complete lack of acknowledgement that she's done anything mean and nasty or namecalling or anything like that - it's all *my* fault.  and that's when I started to laugh.  I mean, I can't argue with her, and if you don't laugh, well, sometimes you'll cry, and I'll be darned if *she* makes me cry lol!  She's lovely, and I liked her such a lot, but if she was anymore selfish and self-focused she would create a black hole in her own insides with the force of it all, (That's not meant to sound mean, it was a funny picture in my head lol!)

Now on with the day - where did 9am come from?

99 things

I stole this from Holistic Mama who is the kind of mother I'm working towards being in my life.  I don't think any of us can ever say we are perfect parents, and she doesn't, but she does keep on trying, and even finds time to think about the deeper parts of life.

I likes!

Anyway, she did this......

99 things

At a time when people are reflecting...... this was a bit o' fun...

Things you've already done: bold
Things you want (or might want) to do: italicize
Things you haven't done and don't want to - leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog.

2. Slept under the stars.

3. Played in a band.

4. Visited Hawaii.

5. Watched a meteor shower .

6. Given more than you can afford to charity.

7. Been to Disneyland/world.

8. Climbed a mountain. - 

9. Held a praying mantis.


10. Sang a solo.

11. Bungee jumped.

12. Visited Paris.


13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.

14. Taught yourself an art/craft from scratch.

15. Adopted a child.

16. Had food poisoning.

17. Let someone else take the credit.

18. Grown your own vegetables
.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.

20. Slept on an overnight train. 

21. Had a pillow fight .

22. Hitch hiked.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.

24. Built a snow fort -

25. Held a lamb.

26. Gone skinny dipping.

27. Run a marathon.

28. Ridden a gondola in Venice. 

29. Seen a total eclipse.


30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.

31. Hit a home run.

32. Been on a cruise.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.


35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language.

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. 

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing.

40. Seen Michelangelo's David in person.

41. Sung Karaoke.

42. Rode a camel.

43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant. -

44. Been on an African safari. -
 
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.

46. Been transported in an ambulance
.

47. Done something illegal.

48. Gone deep sea fishing.

49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling. 

52. Kissed in the rain.

53. Played in the mud.


54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.

55. Been in a movie.

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout cookies. 

62. Gone whale watching.

63. Received flowers for no reason.

64. Donated blood.


65. Gone sky diving.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.

67. Bounced a cheque.

68. Flown in a helicopter.

69. Kept a favourite childhood toy.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.

71. Eaten caviar.

72. Pieced a quilt.


73. Stood in Times Square.

74. Been on TV.


75. Been fired from a job.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.

77. Broken a bone. 

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.


79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.

80. Published a book. -

81. Visited the Vatican.

82. Bought a brand new car.

83. Walked in Jerusalem.

84. Had your picture in the newspaper.

85. Read the entire Bible. 

86. Visited the White House.

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.


88. Listened to Tibetan monks chanting, in person.

89. Saved someone’s life.
 
90. Sat on a jury.

91. Met someone famous. -

92. Joined a book club.

93. Lost a loved one.

94. Had a baby.


95. Seen the Alamo in person.

96. Went skinny-dipping.

97. Been involved in a law suit.

98. Owned a cell phone.

99. Been stung by a bee.

I was right....

.... it was a rude, mean aggressive email.

I know she's a good person underneath, but oh my word it's buried deeeeeeeeeep.

I'm going to just get on with life today.  I may answer it later, I may not, but I'm glad I didn't read this last night.

She gives Americans a bad, bad, name.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Feeling the love......

I looked at my FB just now, having updated my status an hour ago. I updated it, and then I reread it and added to it in the comments, and then four of my beloved friends left me a message as well.  I am feelin' the love people, feelin' the love.

 

....is quiet and stunned-ish and not opening any more emails tonight, unless they filter to folders with peoples names on. It's been a long, hard day, but massively improved by a wonderful friend who helped me steady up, and then a wonderful friend who helped me cheer up, and then a wonderful friend who helped me tidy up.

about an hour ago Only friends · ·

and actually, when I read that, and think about my amazing brother and how supportive he is, I think, "bugger it, I'm putting this day down as a good one!"

Sometimes it's not how the cookie crumbles, but who helps sweep up the mess it makes, that shows you what the world is really like.
about an hour ago ·

Sarah I love your cookie crumbles analogy. :) hugs xxxx
50 minutes ago ·

Amen. :)
47 minutes ago ·

We all need friends. You are one of the best. Looking forward to seeing you in feb. Love you.
33 minutes ago ·

my first instinct was - who can i bash for you, then I reread it and thought -wow! this sarah is such an immense person, i'm privileged to know her[with Claire on the analogy, but more so, cos you really live it] - then I thought - see Pippa? jama days are needful - and, finally send hugs, lots of hugs
19 minutes ago ·

I don't know what to say.....

............

I have tried my hardest today to get things going.  I have been to the bank, I have been to the phone people, I have been in town on a sales day, I have been in town after 3 hours sleep all night.  I have tried to explain the system to someone, and I have opened up a painful wound to show this person that this is how my life is, please try and understand.


I sent this (there's a bit missing at the top becaue I'm thinking about what to say about that.)  But incase I'd been terse with her, I wanted her to know what today was like.

I also know that I am tired, I've had to talk about him dying to different people all day, just so I can hurry up getting a certificate to you, and all you can do is be mean to me.  I hope you don't mean to be so horrible, I still believe you are a loving and kind person, who just hates me and cannot ever believe I would even try and be helpful.  When I heard that you had told people I was refusing to send you a DC, when I didn't even have one because the inquest hadn't happened, that was really painful.  You were blaming me, hating me, being horrible about me to others, for something I *couldn't* do.

This is the same.  When I *can* send it to you, I will.  You didn't believe me before, but I hope you can believe me now.  I didn't want to go to town today, on one of the busiest days of the year, and spend my morning making his death  more official, crying in the bank, having to explain the whole situation again in the bank because the lady we usually see has gone to have her baby, sorting out his phone account with stupid 3 customer services.  I did it because you said BG needed it, and I was getting on with it all as fast as I could.

And yet all you can do is be nasty and say it's all my fault anyway.  You have the medal for Rachel, you could have other things form the house, but you've never said what you would like for her, aside from the bow.  I have a house, a town full of memories.  He is everywhere I go, in everything I do, and whilst that is wonderful it is also incredibly painful because even today, walking into the  bank, I felt I could just turn around and he'd be walking in behind me.  I waited for him to pull my chair out, like he always did.  I knew he wouldn't - I knew why I was there.

I got home, I emailed you to let you know, and got another stream of vitriole.  It makes me wonder why I bother, and then I think about BG and I know why I bother. 

I cannot change the system Lori.  I'm working it as fast as I can through gut wrenching pain and grief.  Please, can you even try to understand?
And I got.......

that she wants a Death Certificate and she doesn't care about the rest of it.

A single line.

She doesn't understand, can't understand, won't understand, that unless I do all this, the DC isn't done with.  So she shouts and winges and says nasty, horrible, mean things.

There's an email from her now, in the folder with her name on it, that I haven't even opened, because I know it will be nasty.  She's in that kind of mood.  Maybe it's her time of the month, as she once accused me of when she thought I'd been nasty with her.  Actually,  it wasn't then for me.  It probably isn't for her now, but at least that would give some kind of excuse for this behaviour.

She's using BG to get to me now, telling me it's for medicine for her.  Well, she hasn't had it for the last 4 years so I don't see what difference it makes now.  And even if it does, I *can't* send it til I'm done with it.  It is for BG that I went into town today.

However, the lovely Claire has been round tonight, and she and I have chatted things over and cleaned the kitchen whilst we were talking and having cups of tea and so on.  We did hers yesterday, we did mine today.  It's a post Christmas blitz to the edges and joints type clean.  Next week we are doing each others front rooms.  However, she says, just leave it. There's nothing more you can do.  I think she's right.  I think there is nothing more I can do.  The She-Ex is determined to hate me, regardless of anything I do, and I will not spend the rest of my life with that cloud over me.  I will always make sure that BG can find me, through I-t-B, and the rest of it, well, we'll have to see.

The thing is that when Rich and I Promised, it included the children.  But I also know that he hated the effect she had on me.  It's not about BG though, it's about how the She-Ex wants to whitewash this part of our life.  It wouldn't surprise me to find that in years to come, BG thinks Daddy died when she was 3.5 or something.  Ok, that would surprise me, because the She-Ex isn't that crazy as to think she can get away with that, but....

Oh I don't know.

I know I'm tired, I need to go to bed, and I've ever so slightly had enough.  I'm not going to open that email, I'm going to let it sit.  I'll open it when I'm strong enough.

She doesn't care.  Why should I?

Tough town

Much against my better judgement, and mainly because I've had yet another email from the She-Ex saying she needs the DC "end of" I went into town today and saw the bank, and the phone company so that's two of the people I need to see, seen.

And then I was done with "forgetting about myself" and bought a new oil burner, came homevia Sainsburys and I'm having a relax for while.  I've also started up Rich's laptop for the 2nd time since his death, and I'm using it now.  It was an expensive buy for us, there's no point leaving it doing nothing.


Oh but it hurts to use it and know he won't use it.


However, it's ok.  We're dealing with it.


I'm dealing with things in my own space and time.  I have to.  I have to stay strong for my boy, and that means not being sucked in to nastyness by the She-Ex, and not letting her use the BG to get to me.  She's done it so many times in the past, told me so many lies, that whilst I want to believe her, so much, I'm finding it hard.


I'll get there.


So it's almost 3.30, and I'm going to have a cup of tea, send a couple of mails, and make myself relax.


Laters people.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Ho-ho-ARGH!

I want to write about this later, but I thought I'd forget if I didn't store it here....

I don't want to think about that....

It's a new day, new week, but not a New Year yet.

That's later.  Maybe Thursday.

It's back to school this time next week, and there I things I need to do, but I'm not thinking about that yet.
The boys will be back to work this time next week, and there are things to be done, but I'm not thinking about that yet.
There's paperwork that needs sorting and dealing with, and all sorts, and some of that will get done this week, but not today, and I'm not thinking about that yet.

Today, I'm cleaning house.

I have noticed that whenever something major has to be done, I lose about 4 days.  On Monday I picked up the Death Certificate for Rich. I promptly spend 4 evenings, sat on the sofa, doing nothing.  I seemed to only respond, and act, when there was someone else around.  I've been assured it's normal and so forth, and to take my time with doing things, so that's what I'm doing.

I've been told to only think about what I need to think about, and not allow myself to get made upset by anyone.  After all, I am in charge of my own self, my own emotions, my own life.  I exercised that choice on Boxing Day, when, the day after our first Christmas Day without Rich, I woke up to an email from the She-Ex telling me interesting and cool stuff, which was froody, and asking for a DC.  I let her know that I wasn't thinking about all that side of my life over the holidays, because, well, I'm not.  It's been a pretty emotional one, but it's cool.  The email I got in reply was that I was to "forget about myself and send the darn thing"

Well, I know what's happening to the DC, I know all the places it has to go, (well, they, there's 3) and she will get the thing she needs.  It won't change anything for her, and it's having to sort out a lot of the rubbish that she's left me to deal with over here.  I mean, who the heck owes £200 to Dairy Crest?  Not me.  But who has to deal with it?  Not her.

So I'm dealing with it all in my own time, as I feel ready and capable.  There's no time limits for me on anything, it just all has to get done eventually, and it will.

However, not today.

Today is for me and my house, and 3 gallons of bleach. (Ok, it's not *that* minging, but it's pretty untidy!)

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Every Star Shall Sing a Carol

Today is choosing service at church. It will be a good one. I got to choose, and I chose this! It's not a common carol as far as I know, and can upset some theologians because it talks about God saving the universe as opposed to just this Earth. We humans do like to think we are so special.....

Every star shall sing a carol!
Every creature, high or low,
come and praise the King of heaven
by whatever name you know.
God above, Man below,
holy is the name I know.


When the King of all creation
had a cradle on the earth,
holy was the human body,
holy was the human birth.
God above, Man below,
holy is the name I know.



Who can tell what other cradle,
high above the milky way,
still may rock the King of heaven
on another Christmas day?
God above, Man below,
holy is the name I know.


Who can count how many crosses,
still to come or long ago,
crucify the King of heaven?
Holy is the name I know.
God above, Man below,
holy is the name I know.



Who can tell what other body
he will hallow for his own?
I will praise the Son of Mary,
brother of my blood and bone.
God above, Man below,
holy is the name I know.



Every star and every planet,
every creature high and low,
come and praise the King of heaven
by whatever name you know.
God above, Man below,
holy is the name I know.


Saturday, December 26, 2009

It's late...

again.

It's quite often late these days.  I'll get my body back in sync with the world eventually I suspect.

It's been an evening to reflect on the last few days, to think about the next week, and to look at 2010 without Rich.  In a way, things became easier when we got to September, and he and I had nothing written on the calendar.  I suspect they will become easier again when we get to 2010.  It has always been that way with me, that once I can say "Last year." things change.

I was asked about my FB status this week.  It still says "engaged to Rich Hannis" because ..... well I was lol!  I was asked when I was going to change it, and what to.  I don't know.  Am I single? I suppose so.  I will always love Rich, and anyone who I share my life with is going to have to manage to deal with that.  Rich understood about Steve, so it is possible that there is another man out there who can be the same way.

I just can't imagine there being one.  I can't imagine seeing someone else at the table, or in the kitchen, or waking up to someone else's head on my pillow.  I have no doubt that in the end I will do - I'm not made to be on my own for too long, I like the company, and I like the physical side of things (not just the sex, thou filthy minded people!)

It comes down to that I have faith that I will be sent the right person at the right time.  I was the right person for Rich, I healed him before he died, he raised AC to be a strong child, and to have excellent manners and behaviour and attitude and so on.  He did that.  He is an excellent father, and even now I know he watches the children.  He knows all that goes on, and he understands.  He is with God now, no more suffering, able to see the AC and BG as much as he likes, and whilst it hurts so much still, that knowledge gives me such comfort I cannot explain it.

I could give up, let myself go to fat, eat rubbish, drink rubbish and never exercise, secure that he would be waiting for me when I died.  But what good would that do the AC?  None whatsoever.  He needs a strong male rolemodel in his life, and he needs to carry on seeing what good relationships look like.  He saw that with Rich and I.  He told his teacher that we loved each other a LOT, and he knew it.

Anyway, I should go to bed.

Night.

Chilling

The child and I are chilling.

He's been on the board, we snuggled for some Phineas and Ferb, some Dr Who (Series 3 Box set THANKYOU Father Christmas!) we played some more games, I skated, I checked mail, sent mail, got made sad by mail, and walked away from the computer for a while.  I won't be bullied, not today, not any day. So I felt better by snuggling the child, watching Scooby Doo, Zeke and Luther, writing, reading, sewing, chilling.

Mum and Dad came over for an hour, we relaxed together, Dad was impressed with AC's board, and we had nice family time together, just like yesterday but quieter.

We're just getting through this as best we can, and the child and I are doing a pretty good job.  It's just a matter of focusing on what matters, and on the moment right now.

Christmas Day

Christmas Day was yesterday.

When my brother asked me, at the end of the day, if I'd had a good day, I said 95% yes.  2% utterly diabolical. 3% was, I'm afraid, caused by the stuffing which had an adverse effect on the male members of the household, which was presented in utter stinkiness.

Enough said.

2% was the shaking sobs from my son at 4 in the morning, wanting Rich home so badly he was physically hurting.  It was the silent tears dripping on baby Lilly when I changed her and cuddled her to sleep.  It was the absence of Santa hats, the missing peals of laughter, the missing bag of lovely things on the end of my bed.  In the darkness I held the child close, told him it wasn't our fault, we didn't choose this, there was a bigger picture that we didn't know.  I told him accidents happen, and we are doing really well.  That Rich didn't choose to hurt us like this, by separating him and the AC, that he was probably just as sad he couldn't be with us.  I rocked him back to sleep, like a little one.

and 95%?

95% was watching the children unwrap and play with presents they loved.  AC is still on his Tony Hawks board, and loving it.  I've been told I'm the best Mummy, the coolest Mummy, that no one else could ever get him a present as great as that. Ever.  My brother and he took turns yesterday, AC and I have taken turns today.  Life is good.  It was also the massive lunch that Fran cooked, the playing and the joking around the table, the extra sprouts she had done for Rich without even thinking about it, the pulling crackers and telling terrible jokes. The "Oh My WORD!" picture of my in my new jumper.  It's a UK12.  In the pictures, I look about a UK 26.  No kidding.  Not flattering lol! (And as a side note, and completely irrelevant, I now have new and very comfortable size 12 trousers and several compliments about my trimness.  Putting the effort in is working for me!  Not that I am shallow enough to care...... ;-)  ) It was changing the baby and having cuddles and seeing her laughter at the same old games I played with the AC.  It was texts from several Armourers and others to see if we were doing ok, phonecalls from P+C, from Caroline, from Andy, to see if we were ok.  It was hugs and love and care from my family towards us.

It was a good day.

We came back here late, and the child was put to bed asleep.  I lay in bed, thinking about Rich, and about how the Year of Firsts is ticking along.  We worked through the Year of Firsts after BG went to the States.  Rich and I got though that together.  He didn't let it damage him, and I won't let his death damage us.  What kind of tribute would that be to an amazingly strong, brave and wonderful man, who loves me, loves AC and BG, put our needs before his own, and cherished every single day?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I''m a liar.

There you go.

I confess.

I've told more lies this last fortnight than I ever have. (Probably - don't hold me to that as a total)

The truth is?

I'm not fine.
I don't want to spend Christmas playing happy families with my brother and parents and children and so on.
I'm not ready.
I want Rich here.

This isn't fair, it isn't right and I don't want to play this stupid game anymore.  I DON'T.

We had such a gorgeous Christmas last year.  AC was running backwards and forwards being the present bringer, and Rich was in charge of everything, so organised, so full of fun and games.  He and AC threw the parachutists off of the stairs and talked about gravity and air resistance and stuff.  I watched the video again and again earlier.  We finally had presents from the BG.  There was a lot less nastyness from the Ex's and the year ahead looked so, so good.

My parents loved him, we were engaged, we were trying for a baby together, and life was finally so fantastic after all the rubbish that he and I had been through with the Ex's.

It all got busted apart in July, and a year later I'm sitting here, silent tears rolling down my face, presents unwrapped, some not bought I think, and I just can't do this anymore.  There we go.

So what will I do?

I'll tell lies.

I'll stick on my game face, and I'll man up, I'll have a great time at Ru's, I'll pull it all out of thin air, like I usually can make it all come together at the last minute, and it will be good.

We all deserve it, AC most of all.  He's a special child who has lost such a massive part of his life, he doesn't deserve to lose his mother as well, physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever.  I will drag myself out of this pit by my own hair if I have to.

But ssshhhhh!  Don't tell the world it's just a game face.

After all.....

...... I'm so brave...... doing so well........ so strong.......... still young........ plenty more men out there..........

and........

of course.......

let's not forget........

time is a great healer!

Christmas Memories.

Wooo!

There's a giveaway at Charming Chatter which is talking about Christmas Memories.

This year, we need to make new memories.

I have 3 years of memories with Rich, with his daft hat, and of wrapping presents on the floor together on Christmas Eve.  Of he and the AC whispering about things.  Of the stocking he used to do for me, every year without fail.  Of the cuddly toy for just as we went to bed after midnight.  Of the carving of the turkey and the pulling of the crackers.

So many memories, especially of last year which was such a big family Christmas.  This year, he won't be here.  I can't even go and be where he was scattered, because I'm not entirely sure where his brother did it in the end, although I know the place.  But I have the memories.  The AC and I will always have those, and the AC will remember the Christmases we shared with such love and enjoyment, with video and photographs.








This year I picked up his Death Certificates on the same day as we picked up the Christmas Tree.

That's a memory that will stay forever.  That was a weird, weird day.

But this year, we're having Christmas Day with my brother and his family and my parents, and life will carry on.  It has to.  The child is 6 now, and we're both going through the motions for each other, because we know that life has to carry on.  We'll make more memories this year, and yes, last year's will make me cry, but we had 3 wonderful Christmases together, that we all enjoyed so, so much.  I won't let Christmas become depressing.

Laters people.

I'm going to go and read other peoples memories now. 

It's the Final Countdown

Dah da dah dah dadadada dahhhhhhhh!

And so forth.

It is the day before Christmas Eve.  Ac is still in bed.  Finally, he has a lie in.  Unfortuately he has the doctor at 8.50, but it's only a short step round to there.

The house is a bombsite.  My get up and go is wrapped in the numbness of not having Rich here, which is making life tricky.  I can carry on as long as the child is around.

And he calls.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Winner!

http://7days7answers.blogspot.com/2009/12/my-mom.html

lol.

Strange Solstice.

Last year Rich was outside now, just home from Afghanistan.

This year, I really thought tonight I would feel the time to let him go, was now.  And it isn't.  He's around, tonight, close and loving.  Like Aslan, he is not a tame lion.  He came to me at the right time for him, and he'll go from me at the right time for him.  Knowing him, and how much he loves me, he'll be waiting to know I'm happy again.  He's like that.  He loves me that much.

I am so incredibly lucky.

Today went from one extreme to the other.

But by the end of it, we had made stained glass windows (coloured tracing paper!) decorated our beautiful real tree with dried oranges we made this morning, and herb bundles (cinnamon, rosemary, lavendar and thyme) and plain white lights.  The new nativity is laid out beneath it, and tomorrow we'll add to it with more things we'll make.

It is so nice to finally spend some loving time with my son, emotionally being whatever we are, physically being whatever we are, and loving each other all the way.  He's a good, good boy, and so well behaved.  Sometimes he plays up - but that's normal and there's always a reason, never just malice.

I love him.
I love Rich.
Rich loves us both.

:-)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

He's everywhere.

The last few days, Rich has been everywhere.

All over the house, I can feel him, just out of reach.  Watching, loving, caring, caressing.  Yes, caressing. I can't explain it really.

(Of course, the other option is that I'm losing my marbles, but somehow I doubt it.)

Tonight he was at church with me, like he often was for big services.  Just there, with the AC.  The door opened afterwards, and I expected it to be him, come to pick us up, as he so often did in bad weather.  He loves us, and that's what he did. (Glory - no level 2C English for that sentence!)

Last night I asked him if his coffee was ok - and was startled to find it was Charlie who was here, who had been drinking it, because just for that few seconds, it was Rich sat on my sofa whilst I was in the kitchen.

I think I know what all this is about though.

I just don't know if it's either of us, or just one of us, that isn't ready to let go just yet.  It doesn't have to be tomorrow, although that is the *right* day, so to speak, but it could be any day.

I love you Rich, and I know you love me. 

Bedtime now.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Friday

I didn't post yesterday.

Partly, I didn't know what to say.  It was the last day of term, the same as when Rich died, but at the same time it was such a weird day.






SNOW DAY!  Obviously we went in to school - it wasn't shut, and it's kind of my job to educate children, but the AC discovered how great it is to be a teachers child.





He had a whole playground of snow to play in for the first 30 minutes before children started arriving.





No, I don't know what happened to his legs here!

Someone at school was talking about how it must be hard to have snow when Rich and I had such good fun in the snow earlier this year.  Yes, it hurts, but what will I do?  Ban snow?  Stop my child playing and having fun just because it hurts me?

Nope.

Life is for living people.  Rich took me from the depression of 2 failed marriages, and he showed me how to live life to the max.

Ok, it was our kind of max,  but it was fabulous.  He held me up, supported me and loves me in a way that will always amaze me.  I will never understand why he was single when he was, but I'm glad, because it made space for me.

It's why we will have a good Solstice, Christmas, New Year, holidays, birthday, half term, Easter, and so on until we get to a year of his being gone.  I cannot cry for a year, even though my heart breaks inside me when I see his pictures, remember his words, remember the feel of him touching me.  I cannot, and I will not. 

Our love is worth more than that.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Another month

The 5th 17th since he died.

In 8 minutes, the time will be exact.

I will never know when he died, but I know how and what happened from the inquest, and I can take a lot of peace from that.

I've love him.
He loves me.

*sigh*

On with Christmas.....

I guess.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I was trying to remember.....

.... the last time I spent more than a couple of days without visitors.

It was before Rich died.

I still type that sentence, and it still makes no sense.  Some nights it's hard to believe that he's not just behind me, or on the sofa, or already in bed and waiting for me, or ..... something.

Other nights, it's as if this is the way it has always been.  That he was here fleetingly, and not for the 4 years that he was part of my life.  More and more memories are coming back though, and that's a good thing.  I think my brain locked them up because they hurt so much to think about.

It's not something that people want to hear about, but Rich and I were almost perfect together.  We weren't absolutely perfect - who is - but we were nearly there.  We spent so many lovely evenings playing board games, or snugged up on the sofa under a duvet watching tv.  He was a wonderful partner, and a brilliant Daddy for the AC.  A couple of days ago the AC was singing the armourer song.  "A I'm an Armourer, B I'm an Armourer," and changed the words to "C I'm an Armourers son"

He knows it.
The Armourers know it.
I know it.

The paperwork might not, but Rich has made that little 2 year old that he first met into the man that he will be one day.  He was there for all the bits that mattered.  He carried him downstairs covered in sick when the AC was ill.  He stayed home with him when I had to work, and they played and had good times all day.  He took him out to town to get presents for Mummy, and he read him stories with good voices.  He chatted with him on the phone when he was in the 'Stan, and he fixed his bike when he got home. And they played and fought (in a good way!)


AC wants to be Rich.  He's had his hair cut back to being armourer hair, and although this photo is from a year ago, it's why he had it cut that way then.  He wanted hair like Rich's.




They are painful photos to look at, but painful in a good way.  Rich was a good Daddy, not just the AC's stepfather, and I don't give a monkey's what the world says.  In fact, I have the paperwork here that says otherwise lol, but it's mine, and it's special, and it can stay that way.  Cherished, because *I* know.
 

They love each other so much.  And (proper, true, faithful, respectful, cherishing) love, like starlight, never dies.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter."

 

I don't know where this quote came from, but I like it.  This is why I can forgive Rich's brother for his behaviour, the She-Ex for hers, the He-Ex for his, and me for mine.  Forgiveness is the first step to healing, and until we are healed as individuals, then the world around us suffers and suffers our pain by proxy.


However, I need to make ham sandwiches for the Adorable Child today.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

What Ben Stein Said

Although this was written for Americans to listen to, I think it is true for all nations.  I don't usually repost this kind of thing, but this one I did.





The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday  Morning  Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish.  And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees.  I don't feel threatened.  I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me.  I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto.  In fact, I kind of like it
.  It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in   Malibu  .  If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians.  I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.  I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country.  I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?  I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.  But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different:  This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina)..  Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.  She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.  And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out.  How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events.... Terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.  I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.  Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.  The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself.  And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide).  We said an expert should know what he's talking about.  And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.  I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.  Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.  Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.  Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace..


Are you laughing yet?


Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.


Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.


Pass it on if you think it has merit.


If not, then just discard it.... No one will know you did.  But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.



My Best Regards,  Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Great, Fabulous, WTF?

I know.

I don't usually swear and I'm against the random use of profanity.  I've had it used to me so much in the last 4 years by the Ex's, that I've gone right off it.  Rich never, ever swore at me, or called me anything by the way.  Just to make that clear.

Anyway.

WTF?

A gentleman of my acquaintance drops in tonight.  I've had a brilliant day, Church was good, then Jack came over with the children and we had a great afternoon, we went to the park, I cooked a big family-sized tea and so on.  I had a little cry when AC was showing the other boys some things of Rich's - he's so proud of his armourer - and Jack came through to the kitchen and just hugged me until I stopped crying.  Like friends do for each other.  They went about 7, AC was about to get in the bath, when there was a knock at the door.  It's my friend.  I can't say too much about him, because recognition shouldn't be a problem, but you never know.  Suffice it to say he's married.

He proceeds to tell me that he's available whenever I'm ready, that he carries condoms so it's all safe, that it would just be sex, no relationship, and he's here for me.

NO YOU AREN'T!

You're married!

To someone I know and like!

And in fact, even if you're married to someone I don't like, it's still a no!

(Now, before anyone gets on their high horse, yes, I know Rich was married.  But the She-Ex had left him, and gone thousands of miles away with their daughter, so I hardly think that she was trying to make a go of the marriage and relationship.  We paid for the divorce twice, she went back on it.  That's on her conscience now, not mine.)

Anywhooooooo!

WTF? 

I've politely (this time) suggested he scratches any itches with his missus.  I've made it clear I am not interested.  If he mentions it again, I think a hefty slap should make it very very clear!

So now I'm going to sew until I calm down.

Hurumph!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Bedtime

It's bedtime.  I've had a letter from the Prime Minister's secretary, which is nice, Kev has been to the vets, I've done more Christmas shopping, we've had a world of fun gaming, and life is good.

I've been rereading over what Pete said yesterday, and it's all making sense.  I'm lucky to have good friends like him, the gamers, the Andy's, the armoury, school, church, not to mention the love I get from my family.  I am not alone. 

That's a good feeling.

Achieved lots!

I love days when it all seems to come together by itself!

YAY!

I've had lovely lovely pictures of my God-daughter to be, who is beautiful, just like her Mummy and Daddy and sister.  Pete was also really really supportive last night when I was Ill, Alone, Tired, and Missing Rich.  All those things get a capital letter because they were That Bad!

I've also done a MASSIVE Tesco order to be delivered on Monday evening, ready to bake my way through the holidays.  Who am I baking for? Who knows.  If I bake it, they will come..... or something!

Right.

Next job - Kev to the vets!

Well well well!

Three holes in a row! lol!

I have to get my backside into gear and Get Stuff Done today.

Gamers are coming over around midday, and I may be going into town with them, but probably not as I have to take Kev to the Vet for his booster injections.  I feel protecting him is more important lol.  Last week I couldn't go as I was Poorly In a Contagious Manner.  This week I'm not, I just have a Wandering Voice.

Wandering, as opposed to Lost.  Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't, therefore I have renamed it Wandering.

So.

Dishwasher and Bin should deal with the kitchen.
Washing machine will deal with the bedroom
Hoover will deal with the Front Room
and the only room to really do battle in is the Dining room, because I've had a material explosion.  But I can tame all that in a small time, so it's all good.

Big Jack might be coming over later as well, to collect a couple of bits of Rich's, which is fine and it'll be nice to see him.  Those boys really made the AC feel special, and aside from teaching him a couple of new versions of We Three Kings, gave him a fabulous night out.

Yesterday morning he was playing on the floor singing "A I'm an armourer, B I'm an armourer, C I'm an armourers son!" which was a blessing to hear.  I know *he* knows how his family was made up, regardless of the paperwork lol!  Speaking of paperwork I must get onto some.

*sigh*

Apparently my brain melted right out of my ears over the week of the inquest.  Not good.  Guess that's what happens when you really love someone.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Bowling!


#


Those boys are amazing.  This is the AC's armourer, a very special present, usually given to someone when they leave a section.  As Jack said, they couldn't give it to Rich, so they were giving it to the AC.  They also gave him a mug, a Families Day poster, and the local base magazine which has the AC in it on Families Day.

He's also come home with some interesting expressions - nothing rude, and a couple of new versions of We Three Kings.

Cheers lads..............

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

That was a GOOD night! lol!

AC and I were collected, and we went bowling with the armourers.  We had such an ace time, and they had some things for AC as well (yes, pictures later!) and he loved it.

They are a bunch of lads who know that family isn't what's on paper, and I love them for it.

But now I have to go to bed, or else I shall be like nothing on earth in the morning..... lol!

One hundred empty chairs

One hundred empty chairs
At one hundred not full tables
Tell the story of the war that isn't done.
So many aching hearts
So many unshed tears
But so many smiles still making Christmas fun.

One hundred unpulled crackers
One hundred still wrapped gifts
Tell the story of the soul whose gone ahead.
So many sleeping children,
So many weeping wives,
Still with so many words of love unsaid.

But more than thousand wounded
In a thousand beds
Sleep under medic watch at last tonight
And a myraid prayers are said
As a thousand hands are held
And aching bodies carry on their silent fight.

A hundred thousand bodies
In a hundred thousand beds
Speak with a twenty different tongues in desert sand,
And a hundred thousand families wait,
As emails zip back and forth,
To bring them home, alive and whole, as planned

A million parcels sent
Brighten up the bleakest time

As a hundred thousand families wait, watch and pray
But a hundred empty chairs
At a hundred not full tables
Will break a nations heart this Christmas Day

Of VLE's and friends

Yesterday I finally completed the VLE roll-out document.  It was good, it went ok.  I had a meeting about 1-1 teaching.  It was good, it went ok.

I can't write about tonight because the AC is pottering about behind me, building bases and so on.  It's going to be good though.

I also did more writing last night, and it went ok as well.  I think.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Today is a weird day...

... and so I'm going to bed.

Lots of weird.

But we're going out on Wednesday, bowling with the armourers.  They are lovely, lovely lads, and they think the world of the AC.

I miss Rich today.  So many things I want to tell him, so many things I know will make him laugh, will exasperate him,  all sorts.

I told him anyway.

AC did a great job in his performance, and is looking forward to doing it for real tomorrow, knowing that Rich will see both versions. 

From the mouths of babes....

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Slowly slowly.....

Slowly I am sorting through the clothes in the bedroom.  Slowly I am.  Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't.

Last night I had a conversation with the She-Ex.  We were talking about Christmases and stuff.

I sent....

2005 - you'd just taken BG, I'd split up from Si, Rich and I were getting to be together, but I had Christmas with my parents, and he had Christmas with Lee and Caroline, then we met up at mine in the evening, watched tv, and he cried himself to sleep over losing BG.  It was such an emotional day for us.  AC was 3.

2006 - AC was at his fathers in the morning, ours in the afternoon, and we had a lovely afternoon.  We went out for a walk to the park I think.

2007 - We were supposed to have Grandma and Grandad over, but Great Nana was too ill, so we had a quiet but fun Christmas here, then went to theirs on Boxing Day.  Rich built AC's garage with him, and they watched Finding Nemo.

2008 - Grandma and Grandad were here.  We had a tremendously fun day, and it's one of my favourite memories.  Rich and I talked in the evening, about how the next year was going to be so good, so different, so many changes.  It was, but not how he thought.

I hope his picture came through ok.  He's gorgeous, and so like Rich in so many ways.

This Christmas will be hard, but doable, for the sake of my gorgeous son.

Me.

The picture I sent was this one....



.... which was what I found when I went up to check on him last night.  She made no comment about the picture, which I think is amazing.  I can see the man in the boy, I can see the man Rich was helping him to be, and I know he is just as proud as I am of this gorgeous child.  It's a full size top that he sleeps in, and gets into when he's sad.

The answer I had from the She-Ex was.................

Sarah,

i am tired of the "I did better by richard than you did " spiel.

I know you are  hurting, I know this is hard for you,

but i am over the "we did this you had just done this, blah blah blah"

if you can't email me with out talking about how wonderful you made richards life
and how miserable i made it

i'm done

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

No mention of the picture, and I had no intention of saying how I did better than she did for him.  He was a different man with me, that's all. No one I've spoken to has a good word to say for any of his relationships before me, and they've all said how She-Ex and Mushroom Girl were the same, and how I am different.  Having met both of them, they are even physically the same, and I am so not like them.

So I left it.  I went to bed, having told her I had no intention of what she was accusing me of, and how I had no intention of sitting around so she could be nasty to me again and again, as she deliberately chooses to misinterpret what I say.  Maybe it's not deliberate.  Maybe it just seems that way.

But I know what I know.

I know AC and I went to church, even though I was feeling the effects of being ill - just tiredness though, and that's ok.  I know we went to town, and we bought magazines, and had lunch and he skated on the outdoor rink.  I know we came back here, laughing at how wet he was, and we built a base and we played and I tidied upstairs, and we had sausage mash and beans for tea.  I know the Morpheus might be back on my scene again.

I know it's all going to be ok.  I know I have to have faith in that.

And that's why, slowly, slowly, I am going through his clothes.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

*happy dance*

I'm happy!

BG got her advent parcel, and not too late into advent either! YAY!

On the other hand, I haven't eaten anything solid since Friday lunchtime.  Friday during assembly I started to feel dodgy.  I stayed long enough to see AC get a certificate for Excellent Manners and Behaviour, and his Reading Challenge book, and then I had to go.  Just in time.

I cannot imagine how upset the child would have been if I had thrown up in assembly, in front of 290 children (and probably on some of them) rather than making it to the staff loos.

So yeah.

No solids.

It's not like I can't afford a couple of days detox though - I'm 147 pounds at the moment (well I was on Friday) so I've got a bit to shift lol!

And actually, I don't care.  BG got her parcel!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Chilling out with my guitar....

Actually, it's Rich's guitar, but I played it more than he did lol.  It needs restringing again now, I'll take it in and get it done in the holidays.

I've been having a Kenny Rodgers moment, and loving it.

I still got it!

Early night though.

Well/.  Not early anymore.  Just not as late as it has been!

Early night

I'm off to bed.

Today I have started to see the rainbow again.  They were all over the place on Monday, I must have seen at least 3 or 4.  I've always seen them at times when I just needed to trust, and so I did.

It's been a good day.  I had a 90 min phonecall from a friend which was lovely.

And I found the camera, which means I've taken a decentish picture of last nights work. I like it anyway.

Later peoples.  I'm shattered.

Sleeping child

I've just tucked the AC in again, and again he's sleeping in greens. He misses Rich so much. This isn't fair on any of us, but least of all him.

The other night when Malcolm stayed until late, and played with him, the AC hugged him and hugged him, curled up next to him to play a computer game and so on. He loves Rich, and misses him so much.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod-mega-gadget-thingy! Wooo!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Night then

It's bedtime.

It's been a seriously weird day, but then if one has enough seriously weird days, does that make them the norm?  And therefore a normal day seriously weird?

I have no idea.

But I'm tired enough to sleep now, after sewing since about 8pm.  It's looking good, if I do say so myself.  And I do, because there is no one else to say it for me!

I have answered those who pm'd me for the verdict.  Thankyou for your interest.  It's nice to know someone is interested lol!

And so to bed.  Alone.

Yay. :-(

What book?




You're A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man!

by James Joyce

A lapsed Catholic and classic overthinker, you are besieged by
rapidly expanding contemplation of the world around you. While people often think
you're making things up, you're really just talking about yourself. This
navel-gazing makes you remarkably self-aware, though some of those you know will
accuse you of being stuck-up or even narcissistic. This may be why you hate
quoting other people. But it may also be because you think all perspective is
subjective, which is ultimately why you can only speak for yourself.



Take the Book Quiz II
at the Blue Pyramid.

Inquest

I've finally written up Monday for BG on her blog.  I'm going to do another post, with more details and a proper verdict in it, for when she's older.  She doesn't need to know about it all just yet.  Neither her mother, nor Ian, who both love him so much apparently, have actually asked about Monday, which just shows how much they really do care.  Leopards and spots and so on.

And now I'm going to work.

The show must go on.
...........................................................................................................................................................

Dear BG,
On Monday I went to the meeting I was telling you about before.  It was a very difficult time for me, because it was all about Daddy dying.  They talked about how, and when, and where, and who they thought was to blame.  I’m going to write another post to you, that I will unlock when you are older, that has all the details in so that I don’t forget them.  Right now, you don’t need to know all the details.  I think on Monday *I* felt like I didn’t need to know all the things I heard, but as Daddy’s girlfriend, it was my duty to be there.  Uncle Ian didn’t go, but I did.  I was lucky because lots of people came to support me, and they were lovely. I’d have gone if I had to go on my own though, because sometimes, even though something is unpleasant, it’s just the right thing to do.
So who came?
There was Pete, and he and Carla brought the baby up to meet me.  They’ve asked me to be her Godmother, which is lovely, and I’m really looking forward to that.
There was Diz, who was Daddy’s boss in his bit of the armoury, and Mark, who is the boss of the whole armoury. Malc came, just to be supportive, and he stayed afterwards until about 10pm so that I wasn’t left on my own.  He played with AC and after AC had gone to bed he and I looked at Daddy’s bike kit together, which was something I hadn’t done yet.  I’ll put the details in the other post, but his kit was ok.  Daddy had really strong bike kit.
There were people from the court who were there to be supportive of me, and it all went quite well.  It took about 40 minutes, although we were there about an hour and a half altogether.  I had to meet with the Coroner first, and he asked about you and Mummy and where you were, and I said you were in America and Daddy hadn’t seen you for a long time, but that we sometimes had pictures.  He asked about AC as well, and how he was coping, and that kind of thing.  He asked about how Daddy took care of the bike, and how safe I felt when I rode with Daddy, and things like that.
Then we went in, and we listened to the witnesses, and they told what happened, and some of that made me nearly cry, but I didn’t because I am a RAF girl, and I am made of stronger stuff than that, just like you are.
Then the Coroner said what he thought had happened, based on all the evidence.  He said that the people in the cars weren’t at fault, and that there was nothing anyone could have done to avoid the accident once it had started.  He said Daddy was a safe rider, the bike was one of the most well maintained and looked after bikes that they had seen, and that it wasn’t Daddy’s fault.  He said that it was an accident.
So there we go.  It was just a really sad accident.  The Coroner “expressed his condolences to Sarah and the children” which means he was really sorry for us for Daddy dying, because we love him so much.
Then the RAF boys and I walked back to here and I cuddled the baby, and that was the end of it all.
There are still paperwork things to do, but they don’t need to worry you, that’s for me to sort out.
I love you BG, I will always love you.  You should have your Advent Calendar by now, so hopefully you know we still think about you a lot.
*hug*
Me

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What to say?

*poke*

*poke*

Still numb.

Stopping poking now.

More tea.

So that's that then?

So there we go.

We went, we heard, we came home.

And now I'm going to bed.

Enough is, tonight, too much already.

If you would like to know the verdict, feel free to email me, sgyokel@yahoo.com and I'll happily tell you, but I'm not putting it up here, nor on Facebook, nor anywhere.

But I know this much.  I know from the comments and the messages, I know who my friends are, who Rich's friends are, and who isn't either of those things.  That's what today has taught me.

So the drawbridge is up, whilst I think things through.

G'night folks.

Monday, November 30, 2009

t-8.5 and counting

Indeed.

Indeed.

Sleep was for the birds apparently.  AC had a bad one, and when I went to bed at 0030, he was crying at 0300, 0430, and then up at 0600.  He's fine today, little bit of a cold, little bit snotty in that delightful way that small children can be.

He's hardly small now.  He's 6.5 years old.  He has seen so much in his years.

So the plan for today. 

Dressed.
Make bread
Make cake.
AC to school.
See supply.
Get tights
Home.
Phonecall from Mark.
Hoover and so forth.
Get changed.
Go to the inquest.
Hear how and why and so forth Rich died.
Come home.
Mum is collecting the AC.
Feed the massed support with cake and biscuits.
Watch everyone go home.
Put the child to bed.
Spend a quiet evening with M-T-A who is on SarahWatch tonight.
No idea what time he'll go, but not late, he's on earlies.
Bed.

Course tomorrow morning.

And then, Dear Reader, the rest of my life is sitting there, like an elephant in the corner.

Last night I was on the phone to AAM, who was asking how life was, when C phoned, so I hung up from A and spoke to C, and she was lovely, as she always is, and then M-T-A texted, and I texted him, and then he texted me, and then I phoned him, and cried down the phone for a while, and he reassured me and in the end he made me laugh and so that was ok.  Then I phoned my mother, who is Worrying, as is her right as my mother. And then I had texts from A, and then I spoke to AAM again.

Then I went to bed, read more of Anne of Green Gables on the ipodtouchreaderthingy and that was my evening.

Why cry?  Because of the hassle that I-t-B and the She-Ex have with each other.  Because inquests are only for dead people and this makes it official.  Because I'm tired, overwrought, and facing an uncertain future. Because with M-T-A I can cry - he doesn't love me, so he doesn't worry, he just accepts that right now I'm crying, and that's ok.  I know what I mean.

I could count on the fingers that stick out of my knees how many supportive comments I have had from the people who supposedly love Rich so much.  I would need to borrow fingers from the AC and others to count how many people have let me know they are thinking of us today, even WoW have been in touch.

But that's ok.

It's all stuff and money to the others, and it's a real friend to the latter.

I must go find the spray starch now, and get myself a stiff upper lip for today.

Later people.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

T-19hrs

I'm so nervous.

I'm almost in tears.

The child is safely tucked up in bed, having requested "Once there were giants in our house" which is a tear jerker in the silence of my room.

There is a gut wrenching denial of the fact that tomorrow I go to hear how he died.  There is a hatred boiling for those who cannot be bothered to be there, but want to benefit from his death, because all he was to them was a source of money, or a source of derision, or both, and now their greed is really showing.

I've just typed in an email to someone "It will all be fine.  It has to be.  There are no other options."  because it does have to be.

Right now it will never be fine again - how can it without him here?  How can it?  How can anything every be completely right again?

I'm not stupid, I know it will be, I know all that stuff, but right now none of it matters and I want him here, I want him to hold me and tell me it will be ok, and tell me that he loves me, and that I am his wonderful gorgeous darling, his amazing girl, his playmate, all those things.  I want to hold him and feel the strength inside him, feel his emotions, feel his energy.

And I can't.

So I'm sitting, almost in the dark, crying softly whilst I type.

Not being strong.
Not being brave.
Just being.

I will find my game face for tomorrow, and I will smile and I will be polite, and caring and lovely and all the things I am, but that gliding swan is for tomorrow.  Tonight I am a duckling, paddling like hell to stay afloat.

T-20.5hrs

The countdown is still on.

However.

Last night I found some paperwork.  It's important, this paperwork, because it makes something very clear.  And if it's as clear to others as it is to me, the boot may well be on the other foot.  Oh yes.

The question is, what would I do with that knowledge?  What could I improve?  Well, I could stop the arguing, and that would be nice for everyone.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

It's just SO clear though.  SO clear.  It's the paperwork we were all looking for, and it was here, in his folder.  It's all dated and so forth, so it's all valid.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm going to sew tonight, to take my mind off of the feverish speculation.  If I'm wrong, nothing changes.  If I'm right? I'll be making a couple of polite enquiries, then seeing a solicitor.

SEWING!

MUST
.
.
.
.
.
STOP
.
.
.
.

THINKING!

lol!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Saturday. T-51 and counting.

The Time reference is to the inquest.

It's Monday, 2pm.  I'll be there.  I'll have two lovely RAF backup.  I'll have lovely Pete who is such a rock.  Mum will pick up the Adorable Child from school.

I don't know how long it will take, I don't know what will happen, I don't know.

I know I love him.  I know that hearing the details of his death will be hard, but that the Family Support Officer will also be there, and he has read them to me before.

I know who will be there.  I feel so sorry for this woman, who accidentally killed him.  I don't feel anything bad towards her, and I hope she isn't in fear of seeing me.

I know I'm crying.

I also know it's Rich and She-Ex's anniversary today.  She stopped us having any of those, so she could hang on to hers.  Today though, that's ok.  Although I-t-B will never read what she wrote to him (she used an old email address I think) she at least appreciates what I am trying to do for BG.

I so badly want to phone BG, but today is not the day, for her mothers sake.  4 years ago though, on the first wedding anniversary since she and BG had gone to the States, only 2 months after they had gone, she had BG phone her Daddy to tell him that the video player was broken and could he come and fix it.  Hearing him have to explain, to his 3.5yr old, that no, he couldn't, not because he was too busy, but because he was too far away, was one of the most distressing phonecalls I have ever seen.  It was the first time I had ever seen pure malicious cruelty from a woman to the man she supposedly loved.  It wasn't caused by anger, but by nastiness.

Today I believe he can see BG, and us, whenever he wants to.  I believe he knows what is going on, and I know that it will all be fine, in the end.

Today I have
sent bluey's,
written emails
sewn some HST's
cuddled the cats
cleaned the sink
written the notices
planned work

and now I need to move on to getting things sorted out for this afternoon, when we have Thanksgiving here.  It will be lovely.

I'm tired though, so maybe a little nappette first......

Friday, November 27, 2009

Sleepytime

I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.

It's been a weird day, that I just need to let mellow, so bed it is.

At 9pm.

So?

It's my house.  Bothers none but me.

The argument thing is rumbling on, but slowed tonight after the She-Ex came to my defence.  She was so nasty to me last night, and then giving I-t-B what for today. 

Life is a funny thing.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Just oh dear.

Today is 19 weeks since I last saw Rich.  I'm still dealing with the stuff left over, even though I'm not the next of kin.  What else can I do?  It's not I-t-B or the She-Ex who gets the letters, because Rich lived here.

Last night there was a whole world of conversation about Rich's medal.  It was sent to BG apparently.  That's ok.  I'm fine with that.  I know how Rich felt about that medal.  When I look around the house though, where Rich's presence is everywhere, in his uniform, his clothes, his dressing gown (which even now I am snuggled up in!) his cups, his coats, his dice, his everything, is here.  Somewhere are his ashes.  Somewhere is the flag from his coffin, which was what was demanded so long ago by the She-Ex.  Somewhere is his medal.  These things were not apportioned by me, and I would have done things differently, and accorded the things of importance to those who deserved them and for whom they had relevance.

But at the end of the day, and perhaps with the security of a solicitor behind me, I know that what is here, is here.  What is there, wherever there is, is there.  I can't stop the bickering, although I will try.

I did refute the She-Ex's allegation that it was *me* who was trying to take the medal from BG.  I would never try and take something like that from a child.  It isn't that which I would have given her, but as long as it is kept safe (and that side of things does bother me, in all honesty) then that's the way it is.  She can't wear it, cuddle it, or anything like that.  Only I know the stories that go with it, which means that until she finds those out, it's pretty much just "something"

It's all so sad.

Sadder though, is the reasoning behind all this madness. 

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Seriously? Yeah! lol!

I just found this on the station page for the station Rich was at when he died.

 

Lori Kelley- Hannis my husband was stationed there....SAC Richard Hannis. 26/09/75-17/07/09

23 August at 15:26 · 

That's an interesting descriptor.


"My husband"


Hmmmmmmm....


Lets look at some other names shall we? (We'll just do some of the 7 months of this year, because I have stuff to do.)



"you simple minded son of a bitch," 05/07/09 (I dated that one because 12 days later he died.)
"apparantly richard couldn't tell time"
"you need to get your head out of your ass
and tell us the damned whole story once in a damned while"
"jesus fucking christ grow the fuck up"
"you really are a low life scum at times arent you richard"


And as I was trolling through, I found this one - and after yesterday's phone calls, and the other calls I've had to make, it just made me laugh.

"I don't do what i can't pay for right away any more." 24/04/09

Seriously.  That's what she said.

Ah well.  It's started my day with a touch of reality.  She's still pretending lol!  And yes, I think it's funny in some ways, but also I feel sorry for her, that the guilt she carries for what she has done to him and BG, which can now never be undone, is causing her to be like this.  I am sad for her, that she can't face the reality of the situation.

I'm not angry and upset like I was yesterday.  I'll get on with life today - after all, I don't have someone else to make it all better for me, I have to fight my own fights, and that's ok.  Hopefully by not sending stuff on to her, and by dealing with it here, it gets dealt with quicker, and BG gets a calmer mummy.  We can but hope!

Right.

Very busy day today.

VERY!

Ready........................ steady............................ GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!