Tuesday, June 30, 2009

posts and bread.

I was going to write a long and erudite post today, about this by the ever lovely DocWitch, but I am so tired that I can't.

I'm waiting up for the bread to do, and then I'm going to bed.

I'm in a quandary concerning the Over The Pond ness. I haven't had any indication of which of the words I sent BG could do, but apparently she is ready for the next set. I can't send the next set without knowing what she can do. But there are no days to waste.

I can wait until he comes home to sort it out though. I love him. He is my rock, my fortress, my place of warmth and safety, and I will love him, cherish and respect him all my days.

A text full of love.

The AC asked to text R before bed. He knows R might not get it for a couple of days, but he wanted to send it anyway.

"AC says hello r. I came third in a race on sports day. Mummy came fourth in the mum race. I wish you were at the dad running race that would be cool. Love from AC Cuddles not kisses"

I love that child, and I love how he loves R.

We looked at where he was and what he might be doing, and AC is so proud that "his" R goes to do these things. We talked about going up to Parade tomorrow, and he's excited. He says "The RAF is part of me, isn't it Mummy?" and is so proud of that.

Time to get on though.

Hurrah for being FIT!


Yes ladies and gents, boys and girls, I am officially FIT!

I ran in the Mummies Race at the AC's Sports Day and I did not come last. I wasn't in the top three, but then the woman who won it runs for the town, so I'm not *that* surprised, she set a fast pace.

I ran it, and I was totally fine afterwards, no huffing and puffing, no nothing!

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Check out my size 12 jeans ripping up that track like Roadrunner! (well, maybe more like Coyote, but you get the general idea!_) See the smile on my son's face because he is SO proud of his Mummy. Hear him say "You ran REALLY fast Mummy! You are a good runner! I love you!"

Anyway, after that shameless praising of my own self, the rest of the day.

I bought a hat.

I bought sunscreen.

I bought a patchworking magazine, and a book. (The book was only £2.50 in the Heart Foundation Shop, so that's ok!)

I bought a fan for AC's room.

I got some shopping.

I came home.

I didn't spend a lot. Then I went up to Sports Day and had a fabulous time as a helping mummy.


And at the end of Sports Day they had a Mummies Race, and I ran in it and I DID NOT COME LAST! Did I mention that?

**Sharp eyed readers may notice that AC is *not* wearing the Paveway missiles hat! He is wearing a RAF Rise above the Rest one that the was given, but not the "One Bomb one target!" one that he has insisted on wearing forever. And he's coming on Parade with us tomorrow!

Last day of being "ill"

and I am no longer officially "ill"

My spots are crusted over and I am OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Now, I have been advised that I need to rest and so forth. Bah. Yes, I am stupidly tired and could manage a 3 hour nap every day, but life goes on people! I am not going to sit around being pathetic and moaning about life being so bad when I can go out there, face it head on and enjoy it!

So.

My last day off of school and................

The morning is going into town, picking up a hat and sunscreen (PAYDAY!) and possibly a nice cup of tea and a magazine and some material. No. NO. No material. But Tuesday market, so hopefully some ham and so on.

1pm will see me at school with bag etc, as it is Sports Day. I said I would help, and so I will help. And I get to spend the afternoon with AC's group and keep score and so on. It's going to be fabulous.

Tomorrow is the Parade, and I am taking the AC as well as my class and a HUGE number of adults who all want to come and help in this civic occasion. I'm sure it has nothing to do with going to see men in uniform....

Thursday morning is teaching, the afternoon is a course, and then Friday is the trip.

It's all good here folks!

And there has been no noise from over the pond. No apology, just a pretence that it all never happened. Maybe it didn't in her world. "Apart from" the emails I have that show it in her writing there's nothing to say that that is how highly she rates things is there!

Ah well.

It *is* all good *here* folks.

The world is a cool and froody place, I have pictures to put up, but right now I have a child to get to school!

The game is afoot!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Calm, calm calm....

... and I am calm.

Big prayers. Big cups of tea. Big cuddles from my Adorable Child.

At the end of the day, we live with our choices, and we live with her choices. She asked what we have to live with as "Apart from R not having BG, his life is pretty damned spiffy"

I cannot comprehend the question in so many ways. It's as if she equates BG on one side of some scales, with what we have on the other. As if, because we have a nice house, good secure jobs that we love, healthyish incomes, a beautiful son and cat and fish and car and so on, as if all that means that actually we go "Yeah, BG doesn't matter - I have new curtains!"

As if we could fill the hole left by stolen memories that can never, ever be made, with just stuff.

I sent an irritated email, and now I'm calm. She's sending banal emails about nothing, but no apology for the crassness of her statement, nothing that says "I'm sorry for being abusive for the last 2 days" (Actually, this was funny earlier, because she asked if I was "on the rag"! Now there's a trashy expression I haven't heard in years!)

I am stunned again by her inhumanity and self centred ness, as though it wouldn't occur to her that we would still miss BG after almost 4 years since he and BG lived together. I know how he feels about not living with the She-Ex, and it's not for me to comment on here, but he's happy now.

And so she carries on, as if nothing happened. She will never even see the problem.

More tea I think. Much more tea. How terribly English of me lol!

"Apart from"

Those two words just woke a sleeping tiger.

As if a child didn't matter. As if material posessions were worth more. As if the hole that a child leaves in a life is automatically filled with "stuff."

More later, but now I need to settle down, remember the circumstances that created those words, pity the one who wrote them for the inability to understand what she did, and move right along.

Change of plan :-(

Got to put the targets into my reports by computer rather than type them in. Oh well, it doesn't take long!

Then the rest of the day will start!

Morning world!

I do feel better this morning, although it was a rubbish nights sleep. It always is without him home to snuggle up to. We almost always lie spoons to go to sleep, him curled all the way around me, so big, so protective, so warm and caring and fabulous.

So him.

He always whispers goodnight, and that he loves me, whether I'm awake or asleep. I could never doubt he did with the amount he says it and shows it!

I'm a bit sore in places and I think I probably overdid it a bit yesterday, but I'm afraid this body has to wake up and get on with it because I am not going to pander to this child's disease by lying around doing nothing.

I've made my suggestion to He-Ex for the summer holidays (He has M-T-W and AC is here Th-F-Sa-Su) as that puts it into 2 blocks, which is what he wanted and gives us the weekends, which we haven't had since the He-Ex moved out. No answer as yet.

The She-Ex conversation went on and on and on and on last night. Thanks to continued prayer, I was able to stay calm and focussed through the whole thing, even though she dismissed my training and teaching, determinedly focussed on her, and not on BG and R, and was deliberately trying to wind me up. I just kept saying "I am not going to talk about this, I will talk about her reading, but that's it." There is some kind of issue with how much the BG has to be able to read when she goes back to school in August. She has her meet and greet on the 13th and is back to school properly on the 14th, which is 54 days. There should never be pressure put on a child to read - it's the surest way of them *not* reading. I made my issues over the new book that She-Ex wants to use very clear, but I suspect she will go ahead with it anyway as she made clear her disregard for any help I can give last night. I even sent her part of the email in which *she* says what I suggested was working. It was also suggested to her by another teacher. But she's ditching it for what she thinks will be a quick fix. I don't think it's going to be as easy as that. I went over BG's report card and letters again last night, and I definately think that there is an issue, but I need R to be home so I can show him what I've found. But she finished off with a "nIgive up [sic] you win" which just says it all to me. This wasn't about BG, it was about me and her again. I am praying that she sees that everything is not a battle or a competition or whatever, that life is what it is. In somethings I know more than her. In others, she knows more than me. But it's not a competition - there is too much at stake for that. BG's whole future shaping lies in the next 6 months. If she goes into 2nd grade thinking she can't read and she's not able to learn, then Houston, we will have a problem, she will continue the behaviour patterns from this year which will be even more unacceptable in 2nd grade and mark her out as different just as children get really cruel. I don't want that for her. All I want is for her to be able to read. To have the same opportunities as AC does, to love learning for it's own sake, whether book learning or practical learning. To have lots of open doors for her, rathen than some shut.

But I will not let it depress me - there is nothing I can do. I have provided my professional help, with the assistance of others at school, based on the data from school and the anectdotal evidence fron school and She-Ex. Another teacher has also given them the same kind of advice. If the She-Ex chooses to ignore it, then whilst it is frustrating that she doesn't seem to get how much damage this could do to BG's reading, there is nothing I can do.

Move on people, nothing to see here.

Today's plan?

Well.

Umm

Shower.
dress
take AC to school.
come home.
dishwasher
make bread
bedroom
stuff.
collect AC
tea
bath
reading
games
bed

We're done lol!

And my son has just declared an intention to be a druid when he grows up. Fair enough lol!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hot, tiredish, but happy. Kinda

Kinda?

Yeah, kinda.

Happy because life is pretty flaming good really. My son is home again (YAAAAAAAAAAAY!), my mum has been on MSN to see how I am, tea was lovely (tho I says it as shouldn't) and I've upped my steps from previous days.

Kinda?

She-Ex has been on the email all night. I don't mind in many ways, as long as she's being polite. It's lots of "You don't understand x or y or z" and I bet we understand more than she thinks, because parenting is parenting. Living is living. Life is life.

Or maybe not. We are vastly different people, with different priorities, values, and foci. That's cool. Mine work for me, hers work for her. (Well I'm guessing they do, or else why have them lol!)

But we are both living the choices that we made. We live each other choices in many ways. We have these weirdly intertwined lives, knotted together like a fishermans net after a storm. It's froody. I make it froody. Otherwise I'd be hating her intrusions into my life, and why would I want to spend so much of my life hating?

Kinda because I miss R. I haven't heard from him properly since Friday night, although I had a text at 3am which usually means signal problems. It's not like I have to have him check in so I know he isn't straying - I love and trust him, and mostly those things are in the minds of the people left at home, not the reality of the people away doing their job. I also know he loves and trusts me, and respects me as a person, and us as a family. I love the security of knowing that. But I miss him.

Kinda because I still have 2 days at home. I can't go back to school until Wednesday, at least. If then. But I'm going to push to go back then. Wednesday is my ppa day anyway, Thursday is an easy day, and Friday is trip, so work wise it's an easy week and would be a good way to ease myself back in.

Most of the kinda is.... well..... I would hesitate to call what I get PMT, because I'm not tense with it lol. For me, that's in the mind. (as is so much stuff!) but I feel big, and I feel heavy, and bleugh.

Yeah. Kinda.

Polygamy and love and stuff

I'm watching this programme at the moment about Polygamy.

It's not something I would ever consider, although we did slightly consider a more kibbutzim style of living when Welshbint's relationship, my relationship, and R's relationship all fell apart at the same time. It was going to be great. R would go to work, I would homeschool the many children, and Welshbint would go to college and learn to be a teacher. It was a joking dream. R and I weren't together then, we were just all friends, who needed a safe and loving place to be, and we had that in each other.

There are many, many ways to love. I love my son. I love BG. I love R. I love my parents. 3 generations of love, in different forms. I love my brother and my sister, differently, but the same. I love the cat. (I'm quite fond of the guinea pig, but.... well..... he's a guinea pig!) I am fascinated by Dave and by the fish.

I have friends I love, that I would do anything for. SiM. Welshbint. Oxford-Rachel. Godfather Fat. People like that.

Love is such a powerful emotion, such a huge thing, and yet we take it for granted. "I love spaghetti."

Love is, essentially, wanting the best for someone, working towards that person having the best, regardless of personal cost. I've just typed that, reread it, and suddenly realised that God did that. He wanted the best for us, and worked to wards it, regardless of personal cost.

Woah man.

I need to think on that. I'm almost grokking it, but not quite.

Firm but fair

There has just been a brief email exchange between the She-Ex and I. She's very attacking today, and rather than get angry, I prayed, and then was able to answer her firmly, but kindly and fairly. She provided several things that could have provoked an argument (like the fact apparently we've told her off for going to places without a phone signal - she was planning to go up a mountain on Fathers Day, I think that is a little different to going to Surrey where one would expect there to be a signal! Mind you, she might mean another time, who knows!) and I refused to argue with her, pointing out that I was not going to row, and that the only thing she had emailed about his going away was whether she was going to get her money. We answered that, and she didn't ask a single thing else!

So now she's shushed again. Back to normal service people, nothing to see here.

Thank goodness for prayers answered.

Hmmmmmmmm

I think I like the new blog background. I need to play with the wigets and have a reorganise I think.

I have finished the green quilt top today, and it looks good. I have started quilting the purple small top, and it's looking lovely. I've not done machine quilting like this before, and it is tricky in places. It just needs practice and time, and that's something I have a LOT of right now.

Or I did, because the AC is due back in 33 minutes. I have missed that child! I've got a lot done without him, because it's not like I don't exist without him lol, but I love him, and so obviously I want him around more often than he is!

Let's get going! Time to put the sewing stuff away, and get a shuffle on.

Nipping out

I've just nipped out to take the notices up to church.

It is a grey morning, full of haze which will, no doubt, burn off. It is hot, sticky and muggy out there, and in here, but oh my word I live in a beautiful world.

At 6.30am, the birds do not flit away, the squirrels just sit and watch, and the sound of the singing fills the air. It is amazing.

I will write more later, but right now I need a cup of tea.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

So what mends an aching heart?



Sewing, fresh sunflower bread, bleach, and more sewing!

Easy really!

Lily, McFLy, Status Quo

I've just been listening to a rather splendid (if I do say so myself) playlist that I put together for this morning. There's only 3 artists.

Lilly Allen (It's not me, it's you)

McFly (Room on the Third Floor and Wonderland)

Status Quo (Pictures - 40 years of hits)

I've listen to the lovely "Chinese," the fabulous "Five Colours in her Hair" and of course "Burning Bridges"

Burning bridges never made me cry
I could walk away with no goodbye
Easy take or easy leave them all
'til you scratch the writing on the wall

It's on and off and on again
Going on and then
Taking all I got again
Bleeding me leaving me dry
You're hanging on for what you can
Dragging out the pain
Taking all I give again
Fakin it making me cry

One day someday I may slide away
Turn around and call it all a day
Even though I fooled myself for years
I can't escape this ringing in my ears

It's on and off and on again
Going on and then
Taking all I got again
Bleeding me leaving me dry
You're hanging on for what you can
Dragging out the pain
Taking all I give again
Fakin it making me cry

This album was the album that He-Ex and I broke up to. I listened to this on tape, over and over again. All of the songs, not just "Burning Bridges", but Dear John, Ol' Rag Blues and of course "Wild Side of Life"

He-Ex took almost all my music, and slowly, slowly we've replaced bits. R bought me this, a long time ago. In fact, I could say that we got together to this music as well. I love the Quo.

And I look at this play list, and it's just us. All the chirpy stuff of us anyway. I've left out the Lonestar "I'm already there" and the Brad Paisley "(The Dad) he didn't have to be" which is just how AC and R are.

I just sat and found all the video links for these, just to amuse myself and maybe you, Dear Reader, I've giggled through McFly, rocked to Wild side of life, and am now in tears watching the Brad Paisley track, which is very well done with Sims2. Due to copyright I can't see the proper Brad Paisley, but this one is weirdly great.

I am sobbing my heart out now. Partly thinking how lucky we are, partly how much the BG misses out on, partly wanting more children together. IN fact, just just had to turn it off.

Music affects me very deeply, it's the quickest way to make me smile and the surest way to make me cry.

Going to cut strips into squares now.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Fabric shopping

Fabric shopping! I love fabric shopping. I sneaked into town when I had to get my prescription, and bought material.

I'm thinking about this material. It could be ANYTHING!



This material is already sliced. I love the greens. They are all greens. I'll try and take better photos tomorrow in the daylight.




But it's already sliced into strips, then stitched together into bigger strips, then tomorrow it'll be sliced into post and rail blocks and eventually a quilt.




I'd like to have it done for when the AC gets back. He wants a quilt big enough for all three of us to snuggle under!

Night night folks!

This is what I meant to say!

  1. Love Your Wife*
  2. Spend Time With Your Children
  3. Be a Role Model
  4. Understand Your Children
  5. Show Affection
  6. Enjoy Your Children
  7. Eat Together As A Family
  8. Discipline With A Gentle Spirit
  9. Pray and Worship Together
  10. Realize You're a Father Forever
I just robbed this, most blatantly from Muthering Heights because it sums up what I was trying to say earlier about R and AC. The only one he doesn't do is 9, and that's because he does it his way, and we do it ours. He is very supportive of ours, but will always answer a question AC asks him about his. And that's the way we like it! AC will come to his own mind, eventually.

But the rest, that's what makes him a great Daddy.

I love him.

Fathers and sons.

I watched R take the AC into school today. We drove there, parked in the teachers carpark, and I kissed him goodbye for around 60 hours. He's home on Sunday evening.

Then R helped him down from the car, and they walked into school, AC with his book bag, his clothes bag, R with my work for my children. They talked all the way. AC's face was tilted up to R to hear what he was saying, R was tilted down to AC, and I just wished I had my camera for that photo, that picture of what parenting is.

It's talking, and listening.

It's loving your child enough to take them all the way to their classroom because the person who usually does it isn't there. It's loving your child enough to care about what they are saying, to give it value, and it means your child will always come and say what they need to, because they know you will listen.

I watched R straighten the back of AC's t-shirt, ruffle his hair, and carry on walking, and I was almost overwhelmed with the love I have for those two people. I was overwhelmed by how much they so clearly love each other. How much they have grown to love each other, and how much it has been a choice for both of them, and they've chosen to go the same way.

I was also amazed by how much they are alike. AC walks like R, not like his father. I can see why so many people are surprised when I say there is no biological connection between them - because they look enough alike to be father and son.

But R is not his biological father, but he's growing to be his daddy, and that's cool by all of us.

Like the quote says

"Any man can be a father, it takes someone special to be a Daddy."

I hate waving goodbye

He knows I love him.
He knows I'll miss him.
He knows that life goes on without him.
I know he loves me.
I know he'll miss me.
I know that life will go on without me.

Doesn't mean it doesn't make me sad to see him go.

However.

A weekend of

quilting
playing
cleaning
reading
sleeping
eating

and generally doing what I like is on the cards - as long as everything I like is inside the house lol!

First up?

A cup of tea and level 11 on WOW.

Happy days.

Although no AC to look forward to returning home. Oh, the Good Mother thing is a pain sometimes, but it's the best thing for the child that matters, not my selfish needs.

Round 3 begins...

....

Round one was my neck.
Round two was my back.
The place of battle for round three is apparently, my face. This morning I have 2 on my face.

Actually, that is good, that makes things easier. I can see when these have done the scabbing thing, rather than doing what I did yesterday and putting my shoulder out by trying to see the ones on my back.

Other than that, life is good.

Except for 1 thing.

I have done the good mummy thing and it stinks. Utterly stinks. I phoned the He-Ex yesterday and asked if he would like to have the AC for the whole weekend, instead of bringing him back on Saturday evening, because at the end of the day, I can't take him anywhere, he would just be stuck inside the house all day with me, which would end up in too much Electronic Babysitter (as the tv is known in our house!) if I was feeling too bad, and that's not good for any child. Which is better? That he's stuck home with me just to keep me company or that he's out with his father having a good time?

So I phoned, and yeah, he's staying over 2 nights. It's good that he gets to spend time with his father - at some point the chap will get a proper job, or in fact, any job, and they will see less of each other. It makes sense for them to see more of each other now.

Which leads us to the holidays.

Usually in the holidays AC stays over at his fathers Friday night as usual, and Tuesday night as an extra. He-Ex is proposing that we put the nights together. He wanted Thursday Friday come home Saturday. I've thought about it, and no.

I will suggest Monday Tuesday Wednesday as an alternative, and just for this summer holiday. That way they'll get a cheap deal camping somewhere, and we'll get whole weekends with the AC, which would be marvellous.

I don't think, unless a person has been in this position, that anyone can understand the pain and frustration of having to have your child away from you. Obviously, no-one can understand it like R, who lives with it day in, day out. AC has never stayed anywhere that wasn't with us or with his father. That's part of our parenting style. But AC is getting bigger and there will be sleepovers and so on, and that's cool, when he's a lot bigger.

So yeah. Made the best decision for the child, but hate it for myself. I love my child. Why would I want him away from me?

Only The Plague could make me do it.....

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Letting it flow

I'm letting it flow.

All of it.

Everything.

Right now I am sad and miserable and itchy and grumpy and greasy and grotty and grim. I am the Plague Child, the One who brings Desolation to the Pregnant, the one who brings the Circle of Death to the Old. I am She who must be Avoided, and I did not seek this out.

But also right now I look at the hope that lies in a brown paper bag. I look at the colours that shift beneath my eyes and the needle that waits and the cottons that beg me to use them, and I know that from this enforced isolation will come things of joy, things for the needy, things for the unloved, things for the bereft. I know that all will be well in the world.

All will be well, all will be well.

One can hope, that all will be well.

But I know it will. Chicken pox is a childs disease, easily beatable by a 34 year old with time and paitence. Cabin Fever is slightly more difficult, but I can beat that with a needle and thread and books and the internet.

I can do anything. I CAN do anything!

I do not have to be the Plague Child, because these quilts I make will bring joy to the recievers. A plague of love? Perhaps so.

And so a shower, material in the washing machine, to dry in the hot hot sun. Uniform for the man to sort and iron, hoovering, cleaning, all the dull things to be done and done.

And when they are done? There shall be me, a multitude of colours, a big bottle of squash, and the Box Set of Jonathan Creek. And there will be joy. I will make it so.

So early,

so tired, so much to do, so not well!

Today again I actually feel not well. GRRR! Maybe it's the 3 hours sleep. Or the cold. Or the damp in the air.

Maybe it's just because I'm working at stupid am because the goalposts got changed at work. Who knows. But it's all good. Really it is :-)

Anyway, today. after taking child to school.

1) phone mortgage
2) make appointment
3) sleep
4) banana bread for himself.
5) biscuits for himself.
6) quilting.
7) bathroom
8) kitchen
9) clear dining room table.
10) what's for tea? (sausage cassarole!)
11) collect child from school.
12) snuggle and play.

It's not a bad list, although I ought to go to the nurse at some point after number 3, but we'll see.

Work.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

So what did I achieve?

I got my reports written - one final check through tomorrow morning and they can go in.

The kitchen is tidy.

The front room is tidy.

I have not had an extra sleep this evening.

R and I have talked over several things.

I am happy.

He is happy.

AC is asleep, so I'm thinking he's happy lol!

Operation Fish Rescue is going ahead tomorrow evening.

I'm watching a programme about children with OCD.

BG phoned. There are emails. That's fine.

Life is good.

Bed.

Tomorrow I hand in reports, come home, and quilt the day away! I should have an appointment in the afternoon, and we'll see what happens after that.

To do tonight

Well, a I have spent almost all of the day sleeping, I need to finish reports, quilt the quilt from the pictures here which I wrote about this morning and still love a LOT.

But I don't know if I'd want a bigger one - I think the pattern might be too much, but I had thought about making 3 more sections like this one, and sashing them together then bordering. Let me know what you think? I might even try and use paint to see what it would look like - copy and paste is my friend lol!

Right now though, I need to do tea. Sweet and sour chicken and rice! NUMMY!

Napping for Englnad

I honestly feel I could hap for England at the moment. I've just woken up from another 2 hour job, and I could go right back. This is after having had 10pm-6am last night, and solid sleep through that.

I'm not complaining, there are people out there, andI've been one of them before, who cannot sleep, but oooooooh! this being ill is tiring.

Anyway.

Onwards. Report writing. I'm going to finish them today.

Tuesday? Wednesday?


What day is it?

I have no idea! (Ok, I looked at the calendar. It's Wednesday. Who knew?)

I love being at home and we have a sparkly clean kitchen, bathroom, lounge and I'm doing the dining room today. OR maybe upstairs. But I love being at home when I have the choice to walk somewhere else. Right now, I don't.

But shhhh!

I think I am all scabbed up! I'm going to take the child to school. We won't speak to anyone, and we won't touch anyone, and we won't breathe on anyone, and it'll be fine.

Today has been a weird enough day already without the oddness of being stuck inside, completely. I walked about 1,300 steps yesterday, instead of my usual 5,000 ish. Not good lol!

I can't say more about this morning until I have debated the legal ramifications. But I was in a stinking mood for a while, until the sheer ludicrousness of the situation made me laugh. I'm in a much better mood now - in fact, I'm totally chilled.

Yesterday I made.....












It's come out small, but that's ideal for a test piece for machine quilting, which is what I want it for. I love this hobby, and I love the fact that R and AC really liked this. Apparently, it looks like a "real quilt"!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Because he loves me.

For no particular reason, R came home from work with these.



For no reason other than he loves me.

*happy smiles*

Off to bed.

Night night lovely people.

Not me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Ok, so I know it's Tuesday, but that's ok. You'll see why it's ok.

Last week I did not have a good week all the way to Friday. On Friday, I did not start itching at school, and did not ignore the itch, thinking it was nits, and with great aplomb tell my class that they all needed to check their hair because if I was itching, one of them would have shared with me. I did not then get told by my Teaching Assistant that I had spots. I did not then get her to check my back, and get slightly concerned when she said there were more. She did not say it looked like Chickenpox. I did not laugh at the idea of chickenpox at 34.

I did not climb on the table to fix my projector in front of my class, and step down from the table to hear a ripping noise from my behind. (No, not that kind of ripping noise, the material kind!) I did not then stand, with my back against a wall, taking off my jumper and tying it around my waist and telling one of my darlings that yes, I did have my jumper around my waist but I was the Queen and I could if I wanted to.

I did not then have to walk from the back of the hall to the front in assembly to give out certificates with my jumper around my waist so that no one could see my knickers through the rip in my trousers that went from the middle of the back of the trouser leg (we're talking just under bum cheek) to the inside seam. I did not ignore the Deputy Head Teacher's pointed looks at my jumper being around my waist.

I did not go to the pharmacist on the way home (with my jumper around my waist because of the ripped trouser thing, take my shirt off in front of a complete stranger (the pharmacist!) and laughingly get him to check what they were, and then laugh some more when he told me that they were chickenpox.

I did not phone the doctor and go to her, to be told that it was chicken pox and I should stay home. We did not laugh together about how ridiculous it was, and then talk about nits (which I really do not have!) I did not then take the cat to the vet in sheer denial. I did not scratch my spots.

On Saturday, I did not ignore Doctors Instructions and go to town to get Fathers Day gifts from the AC to R, BG to R, AC to He-Ex. I did not need to have a list with me because my head was thumping. I did not scratch my spots.

On Sunday I did not inwardly cuss a lot about the She-Ex and her attitude. I did not scratch my spots. I did not think that this was the LAST time I ever do this for her. I did not go back over a thousand years of emails to find I've said this every year. I would not be such a mug as to let a person continually walk over me because I love their daughter and I love and live with their ex-husband. Or husband because there is *still* no divorce. I did not scratch my spots.

On Monday I did not feel disappointed that there was no thankyou email from the BG. I did not sit around all day being miserable and bored and writing reports and then having to rewrite them because it was obvious I was misreable when I wrote them and actually, those children aren't that bad. Ok, well, one of them is. I did not go to see the nurse to be told that I have to have until THURSDAY at LEAST off of school. I did not winge about missing 1) the school show, 2) my SENCO course, 3) the swimming gala, because I am a grown up and I would have accepted these things with gentleness and joy. Really. I did not scratch my spots.

And there we are.

I am

spotty
snotty
coughing
cursing
grumpy
growling
and generally ticked off.

But still finding it all funny. As my late grandfather would say "You'd laugh if your behind was on fire!"

You have been warned lol!

What happened to my post?

I wrote another post last night. OK, so I was flying on nurofen, but it should still be here somewhere. Oh well. I think it was just about the sewing I was doing last night. I think. There may have been more to it, but I don't know.

So.

Plan for today.

sewing
reports.
clean kitchen
clean bathroom
washing
stay upright.

The last one appears to be a little tricky so far this morning, but never mind. I've got this far lol!

The nurse yesterday said to go back and see them on Thursday, which means definately Friday at the earliest before I can go back. And there are still new ones coming up :-(

I know other people would love to have a paid week off work, but I take my job seriously, I love my job, and teaching isn't just "a job". It is properly a vocation. I believe it is something I am called to do, so being stuck here bites!

Oh well.

Lovely phonecall from the BG last night, randomly, with the She-Ex being all sweetness and light to R. Fairly polite to me, but only because I answered the phone (and much as once she told me not to answer the phone, I think you'll find it's our house, so we can both answer the phone!)

I am so tired of all this stuff right now.

In fact, I'm just tired.

Back to bed isn't an option for me though, not right now. Later it will be. Oh yes indeed!

Monday, June 22, 2009

So now what?

So now there's email for R when he gets up. Tempting as it is to open it and see what she's trying to upset him with now, I shall not. I've told her I don't, and I have the integrity to not do something when I've said I won't. Or to do it when I've said I will. No email for me though. Part of me is amazed at the rudeness, part of me is glad. I would be disappointed with myself if someone else had to sort out this kind of thing for me without being asked, without being thanked. It's manipulation and using. It's taking people for granted. But I look back in the stuff I have, and it's always like this. It's cyclical. Eventually, I will forget how upset I was, I will do something nice because I'm like that, like the money, or his birthday or something. She will be reasonable, I will think she is gone back to the nice person I know she is inside, we will talk, and then fron nowhere it will all blow up and the only difference will be that each time it is less painful, because I've been here before, so many, many times. But until BG reaches an age of majority, an age where she can legally make up her own mind, an age where she can travel independently, we're all stuck on this merrygoround. (Now *there's* a misnomer!)

Never mind. We had a wonderful family day together.

I need to complete the lesson plan for today.

I need to work out the logistics of getting the AC to and from school today as well. I need to see the doc to check I'm clear (I am not having longer off work than I need to - I have a job to to lol!)

I will complete reports today (see me, working when I'm ill! Check me out with my work ethic lol!)

Anything else is a bonus. Oh, Tesco are delivering as well. That will be useful. I'll pay the mortgage as well. That'll be useful too!

Child is staying in bed later, and we don't have to leave the house until 8.20, which will get him there for 8.40, so on time. I'll send him straight in, with a note that says hang on to him for 5 minutes and I'll pick him up when everyone else has gone, thus reducing the exposure of the world to my stinkin' chickenpox germs.

Unclean........ unclean........ dong........... dong............ dong................

And it's school show today. I love school show. :-(

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fathers Day

Fathers Day was wonderful. Amazingly wonderful.

This morning AC made a card for R, cutting and sticking his writing into the right places. I didn't send a scan of it to BG as hers still hasn't shown. That would just have been unkind. Once the card was made it went under the AC's bed to dry.

AC and I snuggled on the sofa, vegging out a bit and watching some tv, and playing Worms. In the end I had to get going, so I folded the notices. R came down and offered to take us, but I needed the walk so we walked up, AC ran in, gave the notices in, and we walked back, playing "I Spy" and "Only Walk on....." and so on. However, when we got back I was exhausted. R went to Tesco and did a few bits, coming back with pizza for lunch. He said that on the grounds that it was Father's Day, he was choosing pizza for lunch!

Then it was Grand Prix, and a good one at that. Having said that, I slept through a lot of it because I was just so damn tired. I had 3 hours sleep last night, partly pain, partly itching, partly worrying about Fathers Day, but anyway, it was all good. AC and R played a lot this afternoon, mainly lightsabers, and then AC showed R some of his martial arts forms, which R knew from when he did a similar sport, and so they did some training on improving his forms and the crispness of his moves. It was lovely to watch them being together.

AC spent 20 minutes on the phone to his father, chatting about Fathers Day and life and toys and stuff. They only saw each other yesterday, and they'll see each other on Tuesday, but they love to talk and I have to work hard to facilitate that, because that's my job, as the mother. I have to be responsible for their relationship, and bite my tongue at times. But today, AC was happy and his Daddy was really happy. I had a text to thank me for making today such a nice day for him. It's nice to be thanked.

We had crumpets for tea, and AC gave R his present, because we realised that if the She-Ex phoned when they said they would, AC would be in bed and not able to give his present to R. So we gave it earlier than planned, but to be fair, AC had hung on all day to give his present, so he didn't mind. And he did decide to leave the other presents in the cupboard, even though the big mug was from him and BG, because it mattered to him, but he understood the situation with BG and R, and to some extent the She-Ex, although we don't talk her down in front of him, so he was happy for BG to give both the presents. I loved him so much at that point, for being the kind, caring, loving child that he is. For putting the needs of a child who ghosts through our lives, before his own desires.

In the end though, the She-Ex phoned early, and all the presents were opened, all the love was shared, and everyone was happy. The blog is done, and now this blog is done, and I might head to bed soon.

R and I have talked a lot today, and a lot more since Friday's appointment. He is supportive and caring, and understanding, and I love him. He made me think of something that my mother said to me once.

"Any man can be a father, it takes someone special to be a Daddy."

He is a wonderful Daddy, to BG, and to AC.

And if other people don't like it, then they will have to learn to. It isn't stopping.

What a day.

Today has been wonderful. We have determined it to be wonderful. Father's Day is painful for R, for obvious reasons, which were not helped today by emails and oddness from the She-Ex. She says she is tired of me badmouthing her, when all I expressed was sympathy and pity for her situation.

So I'm going to leave that there. I know she reads this now, for all her assertations that she didn't, which I knew to be incorrect. She had the temerity to correct me on the reasons I had written something, but lets look at the facts -

1) it's *my* blog.
2) *my* brain thinks of the words.
3) *my* fingers type the words.

Given 1, 2 and 3 above, I think *I* know the reasons why I write something. If I say it was out of sympathy, then it was, although tbh, after the antics of today, there's precious little of it left. It was a good attempt at spoiling the day, and a more cynical person than me would say it was deliberate. But let us not argue over little things. She made her choice, and now she's living with the results - but she forgets we all are living them, all living the result of her choice. And tired of being blamed for her choice.

In the end, BG phoned, R opened the presents on the phone to her, and AC was still up, so he got to be there as well, which was nice, and so I emailed the She-Ex to thank her for phoning at a time that meant the AC could be involved.

So, on to what happened on Fathers Day that mattered. Because the rubbish that we had today from her, well, that was just an irrelevance. If we let it matter, we wouldn't do anything. And we do!

Ok, I'm ticked,

I got up to this.

"bg drew a picture.

she wants to say "Happy Fathers Day"

I would like to set up a video chat with them

what time is acceptable for you, Your Royal Highness?"

So I'm done with the childishness for now. I've told her that as soon as today is over I am not emailing her again unless it's about BG's reading, which it won't be, because she isn't doing the work anyway.

No "Thankyou for getting the gifts for BG."
No "Thankyou for trying to get a card sorted out for BG."
No "Thankyou for emailing BG the pictures, she likes x,y, or z)
No "Thankyou for helping her with her reading."
No, nothing like that.

So, I'm done. Anything she needs doing will have to go through R, and as he's going away towards the end of the month, that won't be a lot. Tough. I'll let him know what's going on when he gets up, not because I want him to do anything about it, but because he needs to know why he will have to sort out the video chat email.

Inside me, I know it's because she feels inferior about not being able to get things done, and that she thinks this is me being "perfect", just as she has done before, but really, she needs to grow up. I am not going to pander to her feelings. She created this. So I wasn't rude to her, which tbh after 3 hours sleep I felt like being, because I have control over my fingers when they type lol! I pity the woman, because to be this childish at her age, is just plan sad. And it's the example she's showing BG. (Just as that level of understanding of punctuation is the example she's showing BG!)

We do our best, but I doubt BG saw the pictures I took last night, I doubt BG has seen the blog in months, I doubt that BG is encouraged to be part of our lives at all. This is a prime example of that.

I'll get over it, I'm sure, because I'm not so petty as to hold this kind of grudge. But it'll take a while, and until then, if R doesn't or can't do it because he's away, it's not getting done. I don't need to be spoken to like this by someone like her! I don't want to speak to her in the way she'd like me to speak to her, because it would lower me to her level, and I don't want that. I'm better than that. She's better than that if she puts some effort in. BG is so much better than that, worth so much more than that!

Children first. It's always been our motto, and rarely has it been hers.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Time for bed.

WARNING : Tired, ill, elements of snippyness (snippiness?) may appear.....

I've stayed up til this late waiting for the She-Ex to send something from the BG. I wanted to get it all prepped tonight so that tomorrow we just had to put it all together. I wanted to know that everything was ready to go, because I am feeling more and more floaty.

I guess not. (Oops. Snippy)

It looks like I'll be doing a fast bodge job first thing in the morning. There's no reply to the emails, no nothing. (snippier! Pack it in!)

I feel like I'm being really demanding, so I haven't emailed or anything, I just waited up til midnight. (see, that sounds snippy! ARGH!)

Bedtime, before I say something she moans about (and if it's on here, I have the right to say it - it's MY BLOG!)

Quiet Day

Yeah.

It was quiet. I dragged my behind around town to get the things that needed getting. Got home to a rude email from the She-Ex. Answered her nicely - she can't help being angry at times like this. It's not her fault. If my child couldn't see his father because of my actions, I'd be angry at myself too. So I tried to be nice. I even gave her something to laugh at - I told her I have chicken-pox, so that should amuse her!

It's amusing me!

I had a 3 hour nap when I got back from town (it wiped me out) and then I sat on the sofa and did nothing too much until AC's hometime, when he came home and we all had chinese. There were tears from the overtired child until he realised that not all chinese was seaweed that he'd tried at school, and R told him that was Japanese, and not to worry. So we shared chinese and then curled up on the sofa watching Stormhawks. It was a gorgeous moment. I was snuggled up to R, AC was snuggled up to me, R's arm around both of us, and it was just a complete moment. For that short moment, we grokked each other as a family unit. I got up to get drinks, and R and AC vegged together whilst I did it, having a poking tickle fight, and discussing what was poking and what was tickling, with demonstrations. Amusing, and gorgeous. I got back, and there was a space made and I snuggled in with the boys, just thinking how lucky I was.

R and I then ignored the time (deliberately!) and the AC noticed the time going past 7.30 (bedtime!) and was snuggled really quietly, and you could see him thinking ...... shhhhh ........... don't move......... don't breathe..... just incase they notice... into the second episode of Stormhawks.... sssh...... it's started...... if I move they'll notice that I'm still up........ lying on them ........... watching Stormhawks..... sssssshhhhhhhh......... adverts........ have they moved?...... do I need to move?.......... even less breathing till it restarts.......

The thing is that R and I both love Stormhawks, and we love him, and 30 minutes on a Saturday night that we wouldn't usually have together as a family is special.

It got to the end of Stormhawks, and we tucked him into bed, and now I'm on the sofa, writing the never ending reports, and watching Michael McIntyre's Roadshow.

The AC is excited about Fathers Day, and I might even do a photoblog tomorrow with pictures in. He's a happy chap.

Life is good.

Unclean.......unclean.......

I was not fond of yesterday in several places.

My not-me-monday should be a blast. No, really!

I'll be home to do it and not at school because...... because......

I.......

have.........

had it confirmed by the doctor.........

I have chickenpox!

(It's ok to laugh - that was what I did a lot of yesterday, because this is ridiculous.)

Ladies and gents, my day was a dooozy of a day. I have chickenpox. Not many at the moment although my skin itches like A Very Itchy Thing but enough to keep me off school on Monday. If I get more, it'll be Tuesday and so on.

Doc was very lovely, very helpful, very funny.

And today, it changes what I have to do.

I will still go into town to pick up the BG's Father's Day present, as the card has still mysteriously not arrived. There has been no emailed photo of some words to go in a card from here either, so there won't be a card for him tomorrow unless that happens. How hard is it to take a photo and send it? Not very - we do it all the time! I said I would do it and so I will, because a person with integrity does what they say they will, and I am determined to maintain some integrity over all of this stupidness with the She-Ex again. I suspect it's because something has gone wrong in her life and she sees us as an easy target for venting her frustrations. It used to make me want to yell "Grow up!" but I've given up on that and now I patiently wait for it to be over and her to return to the nice person that she is.

I'm just tired and itchy. R is not impressed with what happened yesterday either.

He laughed a lot about the chickenpox, after he could see I thought it was funny too! We chatted a bit last night, and it was good to reaffirm that he has the same desires I do for our future. Relationships need that. I need that. He needs that.

And now, report writing and scratching, in equal measure.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Bullying

Don't try and bully me.

That's all I have to say about that.....

Notices, and TGIF!

There's notices to do. So I'm doing them.
Today there is numeracy, literacy, science, finishing, assembly, go home for the weekend.
Tomorrow there is reports and shopping to do.
Sunday there is a family time.
Monday there is 20 more days of school.

Today there is apparently a row with the She-Ex on the brew. Oh well. Today I'm not going to argue of her misunderstanding of something that was nothing to do with her. I've said what I think to her, and therefore I'm done. I might blog about it at a later date, I might not! There is still no post from the BG to her father for Fathers Day.

Today there is Joe going to the vet to see how his weight it doing.
Today there is Transformers2!
Today, there is PAYDAY! (It's felt like a little while coming this time lol!)

Thank goodness today is Friday at last!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Truth hurts

Well, it does.

It hurts when you're hearing it and it hurts when you're the one giving it out. I upset someone today I expect. I told them their child wasn't special. That she wasn't super intelligent or anything special like that, she was just a normal little girl, average achievement in most areas, but very behind on her reading.

I know that my son is special - I'm his mother. I know that academically he is quite bright, and that he has a very good reading age that is around 2 years over his real age. I'm also realistic and know that when he is 20, and his peers are 20, that having a superb reading age at 6 won't matter lol! He is a confident and expressive communicator, but that's because he's encouraged to be so, he's asked for his opinion, and always has been. He lives with adults who respect him for who he is, not just as a child, but as a small person, but he lives secure within the boundaries that exist and are unshakable. Like a small puppy he runs up to the boundaries and snaps at them every now and again, but he loves to know that they are there, firmly, to keep everyone happy and safe and maturing well.

But I am under no misapprehensions that he is a genius. He is a gorgeously normal child, with an encouraging and supportive family who value education for it's own sake, as opposed to glorified daycare that should produce, through some kind of magical osmosis, a literate and numerate child.

We are all so lucky. That truth does *not* hurt.

The truth that I should be writing reports?

Darnation, that hurts, aches and bites!

Lies, damn lies,

and statistics.

Or more correctly :

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" said by Disraeli, and written in Mark Twais autobiography.

That sums up what we know about so many, many things. We rely on numbers, 'facts' as we see them, and yet all they are in many cases is manipulated statistics.

I shall go and manipulate some more for the reports. :-( *sigh*

As for the rest of it, the Fathers Day card this year has gone from being posted 2 weeks ago (Tuesday) to being posted 4 weeks ago (yesterday) to being posted on 1st June - thus 17 days ago (yesterday). Whichever, it's not here. I now have tonight to get something sorted out because I will not have him let down again. I will think of something. I love him, I love her, of course I'll make it right. It is infuriating, especially when there is such a lack of information to work from, about this and about BG's reading, but we will see what happens. And according to the BG she hadn't seen the blog, although she was excited to know that there were pictures to see. One day she'll see them all - but then one day we won't need to blog anymore!

Today is Literacy, Numeracy, R.E/art finishing off, then this afternoon is the dreaded SRE! See me talk about sex. See me use words that I would be irritated if I heard them use in a classroom! See the parents complain..... It'll be ok, and it'll be taught with my usual sensitivity and so forth.

It's just, like lies, and reports, uneccessary!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Fathers Days....

2006 - "I'm sending it to TAS...so you don't have to worry about BGs Fathers...Fathers day...since she's such an inconvienance to your life" (sic)

It never arrived.

2007 - "and yes she understoodthat..and saw the card we had made (i think it came out really good..what do you think))"

A set of 3 photos were wedged together and sent via email. I printed it out at school, Mrs B backed and laminated it. I bought the presents.

2008 - "he made no effort for mothers day, so no effort will be returned"

It never was explained what he should do about helping his daughter choose a present for Mothers Day from this distance. And although there was going to be a parcel for when he got back from Working Abroad, it was eaten by customs apparently.

2009 - "it's been two weeks now...you guys should have it by now" Apparently it's a card.

And it's still not here.

But at least if I moan about it on here, I get rid of the emotion without upsetting anyone!

And the pads arrived last week, posted on the same day as the card, by a bizarre coincidence, so I know the US Postal Service is working lol!

It had better be, we're sending BG's parcel this next week. We've given up on getting the thing she was asking for - we think it might be US only. So we're getting something else!

In the quiet of the morning...

.... I am just sitting, just being.

There are things weighing heavy on my heart which I cannot write about yet apparently. Decisions that need to be made, but mostly waiting that needs to be done. How does one do waiting? Each day, I wake up, and it's another day less waiting to do, it's another day closer. I throw myself into the things that need doing, the places that need going to. I get to the end of the day and I know it's another day done.

Another day done.

R and I used to use that phrase when he was just thrown out of his house by the She-Ex. When he lived in a tiny room on camp. Each day was another day done, one that he wouldn't have to do again, one day closer to them getting back together, because he wanted it so much at that time. The distance made him realise what living with her had been like though. He still wanted to go back because of BG, and then when BG was taken away to the States, each day was just another day done. One more day towards not waking up in tears, not going to sleep in tears, one more day towards seeing her again. Had we have realised then how many promises wouldn't be kept when it came to seeing her, those days would have been harder, but we kept believing, kept faith in the She-Ex.

He used to use it to me when the He-Ex was really bad. One more day towards him realising what he's doing. One more day towards him seeing the good things he has in his life. One more day less of the current life to do.

Now there's us together. We cherish every day that we are together. I know there are times when we'll be apart - there's one on the way now - but each day is one more day together, and each day apart is one less to do until he comes home.

Waiting.

There is a phrase in the Anglican prayers that were used at my first camp, which I never really understood until R went away. We prayed for those away on active service, and for those at home, who "watch, wait and pray for their safe return." Obviously I knew what the words meant, but until he was away this time last year, I didn't grok it. And then I did.

Waiting.

Now we wait for information, for pictures, for time, for the holidays, for lots and lots of things.

In due course, when my fingers can work out what to write, I'll let you know what we wait for, amongst the many things.

*hugs* to all.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

2 reports....

... a Tesco order, and a cooked meal later, and I'm still working.

Ok, I've had 2 lots of the meal, and some bread, and now some white chocolate maltesers.

And some icecream.

and some Jaffa Cakes.

I'm HUNGRY tonight!

I don't do it very often but today I am eating until my head falls off.

LOL.

More work.....

............................................. til 10pm. Then it's bed time.

Of jobs done....

... I have managed to do the Tesco Order, spending 35,000 vouchers on lovely, lovely things.

I am about to write a Promethean Flipboard on Sex and Relationships, ready to teach it to the darlings.

Oh my.

And when I told the She-Ex that whatever it is hadn't arrived, her reply was that it had been 2 weeks and we should have it by now.

*nods* I bet we should have. But without a tracking number or something, there is nothing *I* can do!

Except write flpboards on things I don't want to teach.

Oh well

Monday, June 15, 2009

16 down...

16 to go.

I have until the end of the week to complete the reports. No problems... right?

The only difficulties that we have are the ICT results and the Science results, but no problems, I shall use the mark book and create them.

I have heard nothing from the She-Ex, and there is nothing else I can do. I am not psychic, I cannot communicate with the BG without her, and therefore *throws hands up* what can I do?

I can see a large pile of material though. That material has "No touching!" on it. It has "Do your reports!" on it.

*sigh* It's a good incentive though. And in 24 working days, there will be long, long days of quilting ahead........

Report writing

I have often wondered how much of the reports parents actually read.

It is tempting to just write the same thing on everyones back page, focus on the numeracy and literacy, and the general comment, and see what happens.

Obviously, I won't, but it is tempting. Really tempting. As is the end of the tub of Baked Alaska.

Back to the grindstone.

Lots of thinking, writing, rewriting and so on.

Had example of work from the She-Ex today. I've answered it with what I can, which is limited with no context for it (it was literally just a photo taken on a camera phone, and that's cool if that's all she can do!)

WORK!

To send, or not to send?

I have a list of words in front of me, ready to send to the BG.

Am I wasting my time? Part of me says, no, you aren't. Nothing that is ever done for that little girl is wasting your time. Part of me says, yes, you are. She isn't doing the work, and sending more advanced work (which this would lead into) will stress her if the She-Ex suddenly decides to do it.

If I don't send it, then the She-Ex will scream that we don't care, we haven't tried to help, and so on.
If I do send it, then the She-Ex will either ignore it, or tell me that I am expecting too much of her time, that BG hasn't done last weeks work for x,y,z reasons, or that they have been doing it and writing sentences in horse manure. (Words I could believe, but a whole sentence? C'mon! That's one untidy muck heap if it spreads that long!)

We blogged to her yesterday, and talked long and hard between us about what to say to her about coming over there. BG was asking yesterday on the phone, and seems to either be under the impression that we live nearer, or that we have FTL drives. As we don't have FTL, it must be the former. She got upset. Her mother told R off for making her upset, as thought R would start a conversation about coming to see his daughter, the one we haven't seen since she was taken away in what will be 4 years September, just to tell her we weren't able to come! Who would do that to a child? Not us.

Then we had an email from the She-Ex about it all, actually apologising for having a go.

R and I had already talked, and I added something in the blog which I hope will try and explain to that precious child.

Sweetheart, I know you asked Daddy about him coming over this week, and we need you to know that it will be a long, long time before we can come over to see you. It is a very very long journey, because you are so many, many miles away from us, over an enormous ocean. Because it is so far away, it is lots of money to get to you, because it takes a lot of fuel to make an aeroplane go in the air. It is lots and lots of money for Daddy and me and AC to come over, stay in a hotel, hire a car and do all the little things like eat in restaurants with you. We just don't have lots and lots of money right now. One day we will do, and as soon as we do we will be on a plane to see you, but it will be a long, long time.

It doesn't mean we don't love you, Daddy has loved you since before you were even born, and we have loved you more and more since you went to live all those miles away. We wonder what you are doing, and we wish we were closer so we could know all the little things that make you smile. But we aren't, and so we have to make the best of it, and so we blog you lots of pictures of the things that we do so that you know what our life is like, and maybe one day you'll be able to come over here and see that for yourself.

We love you BG never ever forget it or doubt it.


Anyone else got any ideas of any other way to explain it? She's 7, she should understand by now. Periodically this comes up, but it's hard on R, and it's harder on BG. I don't know about the She-Ex, but it's difficult for AC and I.

I can't tell her that we like reading what she's doing, or we know her life, or anything like that, because we don't. We have no real idea what she does, especially now she isn't at school and there isn't a teacher with professional sense.

Oh well.

Time to weigh in on WiiFit.

Not send at the moment.

I'll ask R.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Paaaaaaaaaaaaaarty!

Today was the Adorable Child's birthday party. It was a glorious day.

We made biscuits together, we went to church and then iced them after church.
I made a square cake, then cut it up and reassembled it to be a lightsabre. R made me a cakeboard for it as nothing we had was big enough.



The AC LOVED it! Hurray!

He loved the homemade biscuits, he loved the cornflake cakes, he loved the birthday cake. He liked it becuase no-one else had one like his, and they "never EVER could!" I am his best Mummy, and R is his best R, and Daddy is his best Daddy and he loves us "ALL - a LOT. Nobody more than anyone else! I have a lot of love to give Mummy because I get a lot of love!!"

The children had a great time playing in the gym, the coaches ran some games for them, (I ran a lot helping Emily who is only 2) and the big children looked after the little children and it was a lovely time.

My brother and his wife came back after the party to ours, and the children played upstairs. Just after they get here and were looking at the fish and so on, the baby (Lilly) started to cry. R was straight there to pick her up, talked to her, cuddled her til she settled. He was so lovely. He held her whilst I got a couple of pictures, but I'll not put them up anywhere. I wouldn't want to hurt the BG or the She-Ex.

There's lots I'd like to say about the whole situation at the moment, but today is not the day for it. Today is a day for loving our son, and relaxing with each other at the end of a great weekend.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The day we needed

Today was the day that R and I needed.

We achieved a lot - house was cleaned through, cakes made, biscuits made, cornflake cakes made, washing done, drying done and so on.

More importantly, we carried on the good work of Friday by spending the day together, just us. No fussing, no going out, just us being us. We spent a lot of the day in bed, which is a good way of reconnecting any relationship. We need that. He needs it, I need it, thankfully we both like it! Love making is a vital part of who we are, individually, and together.

I napped for a while later on in the day.

Life is good.

Tomorrow is the party, is making things, is lots of other people. Today was our day.

Lovely.

POST!!!!!

Here is today's post.

Two letters from E.On, one saying they are going to up the direct debit, (I think not!) and one saying that they have been estimating my bill again.

I phoned and pointed out I had let two men into my house in April to meter read, and if they weren't meter readers then who were they, and if they were meter readers then where were the readings?

I am expecting a call back on Monday apparently. Ho hum.
This was not the exciting post.

Then I got this, which is the Landrover Owners magazine. This is the back of it as the address for the house is on the front.
This is an very good magazine, I enjoy it a lot, but was it the exciting post? Nope.

Then I got a parcel with a US postmark. $5.14 to send. Not much. Not a tremendously big parcel, but big enough to be a Fathers Day card and a few pictures.

However, it was not. The senders address was the wrong one. (although it's good to know the US postal service is working well!)

Was this the exciting post?



I snipped open the top.....
Pretty packaging! And YES! This WAS the exciting post!


I did try and open the package gently, but no luck - the tissue paper tore.

Lovely, labelled, reusable pads, from Essence of Eve, which I won in a giveaway from Semi-Organised Mom.







The bag lining is waterproof and poppers in and out, which is great as it can be washed. It also means that it won't look out of place in my usual bags which are now all hand made and bright and quilted and so on.





What a lovely start to the day!

Thankyou Semi-Organized Mom, Thankyou lovely lady from Essence of Eve, thankyou happy postman.

R and I have discussed how he thinks it's a slightly bizarre idea, but if it's what I want to do then he will support me 100%, as usual.

Life is good!

Dealing with emotions

After that post was written I found R had run me a bath, with bubbles and everything lol! I got in, and R came in and we chatted. He was concerned because I'd been fine, and then I wasn't. I talked to him, and we talked over how, basically, "knowing" what it was like there, and "seeing" what it was like there, were two different things. He grokked it in the end, to a fullness. He loves me, and so he wants to understand. I love him, and so I want to find the words he needs for me to be able to let him understand.

This time of year is difficult for any teacher and their family. End of term (5 weeks now!) means reports, broken routines, sports days, trips, new class lists, and to tie that in with a change in head teacher, the large amount of our teachers who are leaving and so on, means that life can be tricky. Add to the mix that yesterday the AC had his class assembly, his birthday party is tomorrow, (and I'm making his cake today (possibly 2) and the mix becomes even more interesting. Drop in the behaviours of the Ex's, and it's a wonder we find any time for ourselves.

But like I said yesterday, I am withdrawing to these four walls slightly. That meant last night I didn't work, I spent time with and on my man. I cared for him, he cared for me, we snuggled and cuddled and stuff, and reaffirmed our connection on the deeper level again. We know it's there, we rely on it, but sometimes it just needs reaffirming, in as many ways as possible.

And that's fun!

*ahem*

Moving on......

Friday, June 12, 2009

Change of plan

I won't be blogging about the things I said I was going to blog about, because I'm going to bed.

I watched a programme tonight, about RAF in Afghanistan. We watched it together. It was..... interesting..... hard......explanatory..... lots of things.

So I'm full of emotion.

Good night.

Peace and calm

There are days when I struggle to hang on to the sense of peace and calmness that I need. Yesterday was one of them, and far worse for R than for me, but only because he is so helpful and lovely.

He drove us to school.
He drove home to collect something I had forgotten.
He came back to school to find me stood by Mandy's car, and her car with a flat tyre.
He drove home, collected the big jack, changed his clothes.
He came back to school and changed the tyre, for which Mandy loves him.
He drove home, cleaned up, and went to Headteacher interviews for a 9am start.

The new headteacher was chosen yesterday.

True to his word, he hasn't discussed it with me in any detail, other than to say it all went well and one had been chosen. The last thing we all needed was to have to readvertise. I will find out what happened today, with everyone else, at the briefing.

Well, I say at the briefing, but I expect the grapevine will know before then lol!

I had a good day, but I'll fill it in later. It was good, just busy.

I have to get a scoot on now though, as it's getting late!

to blog later
*my student
*my busy weighing lesson
*Wii Fit
*phonecall from the She-Ex
*conclusions drawn from bathing.
*photos of blocks completed.

Laters people

Thursday, June 11, 2009

And so to bed

It is almost 10.15 and time for me to be in bed. R is off tomorrow, so he's staying up later, gaming, and then he'll sleep in tomorrow.

Except I expect he'll say that, and then he'll get up and take us into school because he loves us. He's that kind of person.

That is where my calm and quiet contentment is coming from right now. The security of his love and presence in my life, house, heart. The knowledge that he isn't going anywhere, that we can finally settle down to some boring normal.

We'll see though - something usually happens when it gets good like this!

Quietly content

I have just finished yet another bath. I don't take one for weeks (although, dear Reader, I do shower every day!) and then take one every night, usually at the behest of R, who knows how they settle me.

This one, complete with warm blackcurrant juice and a copy of Darkside : Lifeblood which I started and finished in the one bath, was very settling.

I have allowed things to get on top of me, I have worried about things for which I have done my best, and thus cannot affect any further. I have tried too hard, worked too hard, and not smart enough. I need to reconsider myself.

Every now and again I do this, and now, just after the child has turned 6 seems a good time. R and I are have been friends for 4 years now, lovers for 3. We are in a good and stable place, living and loving together. R and the AC love each other with a joyful delight in each others antics and a deep respect for each others individuality and a pride in the other that is a pleasure to behold. I am deeply and fearfully proud of both of them for who they are becoming.

But who am I becoming?

There comes a point, every now and again, where I have to think about where I go next. The AC no longer *needs* me as much - he has R as well as me, which gives me a little time. I have not needed, nor wanted me time up to now, and to be honest, I don't need it now, it is just "there", in the gap that his growing leaves.

I know what I would fill it with.

It's interesting.

So what does it mean?

It means I'm done with the She-Ex again for now. I'm not going to ask her any more about the BG's reading until I get the things I need from her to continue properly, and on a regular basis. Why am I pouring more commitment and effort into this child's education than her mother?

It means I'm done with extras for now for school. What is done, is done. When reports are done, they are done, and that is the end of it.

It means that other parts of my life have been placed into God's hands more than they were before, and I am trying hard to trust in Him for the best outcome, and to trust myself to believe that the outcome is the one that is the best.

It means I am withdrawing into our four walls and our family again.

But for now, I must write reports.

Productive day!

Yesterday was a productive day.

We did Numeracy (mostly outside, went back in to weigh things and the prospective heads turned up! Ah well) Literacy (puppet shows!) and Science (Food chains). Then I went home to write more accursed reports.

Actually, they weren't too bad. It took me 1.5 hours to get through to Tesco about the vouchers. I'm going to sit in a minute and look at the site and see what we can order. Lots of it looks lovely, but I want the input from the others.

AC had his first Junior class yesterday. Apparently he was upset about coming straight back here (he didn't look it!) and so I think R and I will be picking him up each Wednesday now. We'll see. It was nice on Monday not to have Lil' Dragons and just to come home, cook a nice meal for the boys instead of takeout, and spend time as a family. We never seem to tire of it.

Speaking of family. R was able to phone BG last night, but she was "busy" doing something. That's cool, she's 7, they are quite often busy doing something (he thought she was peeling carrots, but again, she wasn't really speaking to him) at 7, but would it kill one of the adults there to explain to him on the phone? The trouble is priorities again. We have different priorities to their household, and AC's relationship with his father has always been one of our top ones. We taught him at an early age not to have the tv on when he was on the phone to his father, to speak clearly, and when we knew phonecalls were happening we made sure we had chatted about at least one thing he could tell his father. I keep trying to tell myself that different is just different, not necessarily bad, but this is a hard one for that.

The He-Ex was supposed to be getting the AC a t-shirt yesterday when he went into town to pay the maintainance (9 days late again! Good job we both work and don't have to rely on it!) and somehow he didn't get it, but he's going back later today for it? *confused!* If he saw it, why not get it? Ah well.

I completed 8 logcabin blocks yesterday. I might even treat myself to a 6" square ruler to help with the squaring up, but we'll see. That's now 12 in total. Just keeping on, keeping on!

This morning it's Tesco voucher shopping. We have collected around about 30,000 I think. We take our voucher collecting seriously! I'll make a short list of things to spend them on and let the children choose from school.

I went to bed early in the end last night, feeling very dodgy in the stomach area. Still feel sickish this morning. Not like I will *actually* be sick, but just nauseous. Lovely!

Laters lovely people!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Actually

... I went upstairs and crashed out completely after thinking how great life is.

I spend a few hours working in the morning.
I spend an hour or so with the AC
We walk to school together, chatting on the way.
After a little while at school, we go our separate ways
I see him at lunchtime.
I got told that I should have a point and extra case for what I do for ICT and that someone else is going to sort it out for me. And that my subject has made the most progress in children's attainment in the last year!
I see the AC at hometime.
Yesterday, he went home with his Daddy (least said, soonest mended!)
I did a very successful training meeting, training some lovely people.
I walked home
The lovely man had been home all day.
He ran me a bath.
He cooked tea.
He cleared up tea.
We chatted for a while.
I sewed some log cabin blocks.
We chatted some more.
I had some information (without evidence, but the written words were there) from the She-Ex.
We chatted some more.
I went to bed.
He came up a little later.

Life is good.

There was nothing seriously bad, nothing seriously irritating (ok, well, one thing, but I'm getting over it now!) and a couple of things that were seriously supportive and nice.

Life is good!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Yawn

Off to bed.

Over the Pond, everything is going along "swimmingly" apparently.

I'm glad.

Contrary to what may be anyone elses thoughts and agendas, all I want is the best for that little love.

I answered the She-Ex's email, and I doubt she'll respond, and tbh, I don't mind if she does or doesn't. (Actually, that's a fib, of course I want to know how the little one is doing!)

Going to play Hotel Dusk for a few minutes and go to bed.

A break

I'm taking a break this evening. I have a long afternoon and evening when I can write reports tomorrow, whilst R is doing the important job with 8 others of selecting a new headteacher for the school.

I'll add it to the list of middle classness, shall I? LOL.

I am sewing log cabin blocks, with red centres, and pale green, pale brown outsides. So far I have 4 completed.

I think I will just have to give up on the reading thing. Not on the BG, I would never, ever give up on the BG, but on the She-Ex actually doing anything productive and helpful. Literacy and academia is not valued in the same way in that household as it is in this one, it's just a different way of doing things. That's cool. It's the way it is. The difference is that a well educated and literate adult can choose to do a job that requires low level understanding. It is practically impossible for an illiterate adult, or even one with a low level of literacy, to choose a highly academic job.

Oh well. There has been no reply to the AC's email, and the blog hasn't been read. It is reducing the goodwill in the house, but then what can we say? We are doing all we can.

Currently, it is limited as to what we can do about it.

More sewing. More thinking. More Rick Stein.

Unless anyone else has any better ideas?

So far today....

....

I was going to do this as a separate post, but I didn't.

oh well.

4.30 got up.
4.30 started reports.
5.00 worked on VLE stuff for training tonight.
5.45 Child up and installed on sofa - no tv etc.
6.30 stopping work for the morning.

Are we nearly at the summer yet?

Morning all!

The plan is to get at least 3 reports done before school this morning.

On your marks.......

GO!

(I'll edit this to update it in a bit.)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Reports.

I've done 2 tonight. That's not enough. Looks like 4am is on my cards again. I know I've got until the 21st or whatever to hand them in, but I want them FINISHED! I can do this. I can and I will, because, as the byline says on this blog - the other option is just stupid.

I'm tired though. I'm always tired again at the moment. Tired and hungry lol. But as R and I worked out, I'm not actually paying that much attention to my diet at the moment, other than I'm eating with the others. It happens at report time, and this is the third one he's been through, he knows the signs. Actually, it happens whenever I get stressed. My flight or fight reflex is busted - I tend to sleep! And when the source of stress is work, clearly when I wake up it's all still there lol!

In other news, weirdness this morning from the She-Ex. I emailed her about the whole cumulative assesment thing. I didn't get a response. I emailed her the 10 words for this week, hoping like heck they were something that BG could cope with, as I hadn't had the feedback from the previous week and do you know what?

I can't be doing with going through what happened. It wasn't much, it was weird, it was basically poor email protocol and skills, but I'm going with the goodness of no one was rude to anyone else, and I grok the goodness of that.

Today was a good day. Tomorrow I need to remember not to come home at lunchtime and to work all day lol! My PPA is Wednesday this week because of the headteacher interview thing going on. R is not nervous about making the right choices, he's confident that the governor team can make good choices for the school, but only time will tell. I just hope that it's an older head who isn't all about himself and ambition.

And now, it's the end of BNTM, so I'm going to bed.

Loving all your work. Mwah, Mwah.