Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I don't know what to write.

So why am I writing?

I don't know.  Maybe to see what comes out.

I could always winge on about teacher workload.  However, I did no work last night because we went through the kitchen and binned off lots of stuff.  I mean 5 bin bags of stuff.  Lots of baking trays and saucepans went, lots of out of date food - all bought just after the accident and never eaten, lots of the cookery books are in a pile for Freecycling.

By the time J and I are finished, we will have a massive house together.  Unlike Rich, J is not a hoarder.  I am.  This may lead to problems in the future lol, but right now J is freeing me up to get things out of here that deep down I want out of the house, but further up I want to keep in case they are useful one day.

I know what the problem is though peoples.  I miss BG.  I miss her being on the edge of our thoughts all the time, I miss chatting about her phonecalls with Rich, I miss the pictures that we had, (she's still on our fridge!) I miss her.  I should be helping Rich think about her Christmas box now, I should have her on my Advent Calendar list.  She is special and precious and to lose her as well was a second bereavement.

I know there is the future.  There is the "one day" when I shall be able to tell her about her Daddy, show her where we Celebrated him and (for us)scattered his ashes, I-t-b has denied him a proper grave marker, but I know what I know.  There is the "one day" when I'll explain why I was told to get out of her life, to put my side of the relationship I had with her father, to put his side of the relationship he had with her, and with her mother.

But *today*, right now, I just hope and pray she is safe and happy and growing up to be tall, strong and honest, like him.  That she is open with her feelings, feels secure and understood, is getting on well at school, for all she's a grade behind she just needed love and support and constructive help, that she's coping in the area, and that she is gorgeous and happy.

I will never stop thinking about her and loving her, and we were more than just what her mother said.

You and Sam, no longer have any reason to be in contact with her.

Step families, don't count.

ANd that's all you ever were to her.

She will be told you and Richard were planning on taking her away from me.

That you two were planning on filing her head full of tons of lies about me.

She will be told all of that.

So while you are having fun planning and living your life.

Remember that.

all you two ever did was hurt her.

The AC still thinks of her as a stepsister, and counts her in his prayers when he does them.  But I look at the vitriol that is here, and I don't miss that.  I miss Lori when she was being nice and friendly and chatty and sending photos and so on, but I don't miss the anger and hatred.  I hope she's happier now, and more relaxed and hopefully has a new job that she loves, and is in a new relationship with someone who makes her feel special, like Rich and now J make me feel special.  I doubt she'd believe me if she read this, but that's what I hope for her.

So I did have something to write after all.  I'll leave the heading as it is though.  Time for a shower.