I am living within a wide range of emotions.
Over this weekend I have felt anger, despair, hope, love, joy, fear, and contentment. Oh, and pretty anything else you care to mention in between.
The anger and despair came from yet another bailiffs letter about debts from Rich and the She-Ex's marriage. J and I have discussed it, and have decided that any more that come will be sent back to them, with her address on as the next of kin. She was so keen to claim the title, she can have the work and the problems that come with it.
I felt hope when I looked at my son playing with J, at his smiles to him and J's smiles to the AC. When we went to a bbq at a friend of J's on camp, (and those last two words matter) and we were instantly accepted. Where Rich was talked about with love and affection and interest, and where I was told how much J talked about the AC and I, and how much he wanted to be in our lives. Not by J, but by his friend, was how I came by this information.
I felt love when I looked at the three of them together. J, the AC, and T-boy, J's son. He's an utter handful, but nothing that can't be helped.
The joy came from whizzing down the slide at the swimming pool, from walking up the steps again and realising that I am looking pretty slim and fine these days. (Yes, I know it's shallow, but I have a responsibility to my man to be as attractive as I can, or who can blame him for looking elsewhere if I let myself go, and smell, and aren't interested in him?) I can run after my son on a beach, catch him, and roll him over. I can snuggle with the man on the sofa because there is room for the two of us. It's a small joy, but it's mine and I've worked hard for it lol!
The fear was replaced by love and a joy in being accepted. J put a film on on Sunday night that I had never seen - Nightmare on Elm Street. I was petrified. I'm not ashamed to say it. I lasted 20 minutes before J chose to turn it off because I was just lying in his arms, watching the tv with an unshakable stare, tears rolling down my face. I said it could stay on, but I am glad he turned it off, glad he didn't think I was a girly wuss, glad that he held me and told me I was brave in so many other ways, that it didn't matter. That's love, that's a joy in being accepted for who one is.
And the contentment? That comes from my whole life. From living to the most of each day, accepting what God gives me, and loving the world around me as hard as I can.