Thursday, September 24, 2009

The end of a birthday

This was the first big first, I suppose.

His birthday has come and will soon be gone.

My Facebook, his Facebook, my email, his email, my school life, my texts, are all full of messages. Not of condolence, not of mourning, but of Happy Birthdays, for the big man. I've spent the evening with his online friends, listening, reminiscing, and everyone had a beer, for him. (Well, Vicky had wine, but I had beer for her!) Lots of love there, for the big man.

He was known as the big man by so many people, because he was. Tall, strong, brave, handsome, and so loving, so caring, so special. Big hearted, big living, big loving.

This time last year, we bought him a bag of dice from Chessex, a blue lightsaber (AC's choice), smaller, other dice sets, a book, just stuff really.

But this night last year, was when we decided enough with the contraception, enough with waiting for the divorce that the She-Ex was never going to do, and he lay in bed next to me, and told me he couldn't wait any longer, that he wanted us to be having children. And it wasn't that he just wanted the practice! He got plenty of that! No, it was that he wanted to make me pregnant, to care for me whilst I grew, to be here, in our house, whilst we birthed our baby, and to love him or her and cherish them as they grew older, teaching them all he had taught AC and more. This was the night he held me in his arms, just talking, about everything and nothing, until almost the sun came up.

This is a night I remember with love.

I am so, so lucky, in so many ways.

i feel

I am crumbling inside,
And as each day passes,
A part of me goes with it,
Seeking you,
Seeking where you are,
Seeking your touch.

I am fading on the outside,
The mask slips more and more,
The game face no longer plays,
The words of comfort to others
No longer trip from my tongue,
But tumble and fall and are swallowed
into the pit that spreads inside me,
Around me
Within me

Into the space that you have left,
As it spreads
As it absorbs
As it sucks in the world,
Like a black hole, consuming all matters.

The poison of others,
Dripped in
Thrown at me
Poured into my open wounds,
Burns, but keeps me alive,
Pains, but keeps me feeling.
Aches, but the truth hurts them more.

And I sit,
and there is a nothingness that I cannot describe,
that words cannot capture,
that time does not heal
and that others cannot fill.

There is,

Happy Birthday darling....

This time last year, he opened his presents, got on his bike, and roared away, strong, handsome, and the man of my dreams.

Last year, we got him a card, dice, lightsaber, cake, cuddles and love. This year, I don't even know where he is scattered to go and see him.

Last year, BG's teacher came up trumps again, where her mother hadn't bothered, and he had a piece of writing, emailed through, to say happy birthday. He never had an actual card from her. Now he never will.

Last year, we were happy. This year, I miss him so much I feel sick.

Shower, and on with the day. What else is there to do?