Less tears, more gentle sadness

Tonight has been a night for gentle sadness as opposed to the utter bawling of last night.

This is a good thing, infinitely less exhausting and less traumatic for other people.

This time next week I shall be ready for back to school I hope.

I've just been sat down, writing the new calendar and diary, going back through the last years ones to see what we did and what needs to be carried forward. We had so many good times. Yes, it hurts not to write on the things we were going to do, but there will be other things that the AC and I will do instead. We will cope. We are coping.

And tonight I overheard my son talking to his friend.

"Yeah, well even though my Daddy is dead, he can still beat the monsters under the bed with only one sword."

He went to sleep tonight reading My Mega Book of Motorcycles. He's accepted that it wasn't the bikes fault, that it was just an accident. We went over it again the other night, with Hotwheels cars, and he's fine. He loves Rich, and Rich loves him.

Yesterday the Police collected the letters that I had written to the driver and the nurse and today I had a phonecall to say that they had been sent on. That the Police thought it was a kind and caring gesture. I just pray they are received in the spirit in which they were sent.

And before this degenerates into ramblingness, I'm going to bed at a fairly reasonable hour. Kinda.

2 hours later

And I haven't actually stopped crying yet.

My head is throbbing, my face is sore from tissues, my shirt is wet, my eyes are itchy, my nose is blocked.

And I still cry.

I can't stop.

I can't stop.

I don't understand why he is gone, and I can't stop. There is an ache inside of me that I cannot describe, like a lump, like a cancer eating me, like a band around my lungs to stop me breathing.

I feel like a 6 year old, wanting to shout "It's not fair." Like that would make it better, like someone would say "You know what? You're right, but I can fix that."

It's not fair that after everything we've both been through, it all gets swept away like that. It's not fair that after everything the AC has gone through, he loses the man he loves and respects. It's not fair that after the lies we both lived with for all that time, that the one relationship we have that's worth anything is destroyed.

I want our old life back. I want him sat with me, I want him here. I want our life back. I want our hopes and dreams and plans back. I want him here. I just want him here.

I cannot do this without him, and yet because he is not here, I have to do it. And if he was here, I wouldn't need to do it anyway.

I don't think all that even made sense.

So I'm going to bed. I have good friends I can call, or text. I don't want to be a burden to anyone though. SiM said to me tonight that it is ok to break, to cut myself a little slack, to not be seen as coping.

And I'm not. I'm not coping tonight.

So there you go world, now you know.