Saturday, October 31, 2009

Amazing Day

... but so tired.

I'll upload pictures and things tomorrow, but today was a very necessary and cathartic day. It was the Service of Thanksgiving and Remembrance for those who died from Aug 2008 to July 2009. Obviously, for us it was about Rich.

In no particular order, I'm sitting here, exhausted, but thinking......

I love the Church.

I love the RAF.

We love Rich.

He loves us.

Life could be so much worse.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Just went in to tuck the child up, and he is asleep, wearing one of Rich's greens uniform tops.

Poor honey.

Tomorrow should help.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod-mega-gadget-thingy! Wooo!

Another Friday

This week, week 15, has not been a good one.

The loss of Neil the Minister has devastated the AC all over again, just as we as a family were starting to show signs of recovery behind closed doors. We're good at looking good outside the house, but inside is where the child and I agreed to be true to each other, all the time, even if it made the other one sad.

We keep to that. I don't sadden him without cause, obviously. He's six. He needs a strong Mummy, but also one that shows she is sad every now and again. Just not hysterically, and for days on end. That's rubbish.

Caring for the small person and sisters on Wednesday was an eye opener, but also good. Small people were to be a big part of our world, Rich and I, and now they won't be. BG can grow up knowing she is the only child of his blood, but having a stepbrother who shared her fathers heart. Annie yesterday said that it was obvious that the AC was the child of Rich's heart and hearth, and only accidentally not of his loins. I liked that.

Tomorrow will be tomorrow. We get up early, we catch the train, we enjoy the thing we have to do, and once again, we, and my parents, will be the only ones there. No-one else, who cares *sooooooo* much, will be there. Again. And do you know what Dear Reader? That's ok by me. It's ok by the AC, who is Very Clear who he liked and didn't like from the Celebration. That's fine.

I miss him though. I wanted to tell him things today, and I couldn't hear his responses. I won't pretend that we talk all the time, because frankly, I find that weird. But I tell him things sometimes, important things, and that's good to do.

Tonight the house is big but doesn't feel that empty. Sometimes, I know he's around. Sometimes, he's not. He's not a tame lion.....

Thursday, October 29, 2009

New profile picture

This sums us up right now.

We are a mourning, but smiling, RAF family.

The boys have been in touch again, which is lovely, and I will have a uniform to accompany me to the inquest.

Everyone is so kind.

We are, in many ways, very lucky.

We're having a quiet day in today, just chilling out. It's lovely. I've told the AC about the minister and he cried, just a little.

Then randomly, after lunch (homemade soup - gorgeous!) he said "I miss Richard and Neil!" and cried for a while. He seemed better after that, but we'll see.

Children and babies`

Yesterday was a marvellously painful but enjoyable day.

The girls (age 9 and 5) were very good, worried about their Mummy, but very well behaved. The boy, (aged 4 months) was gorgeously lovely, very good, and easy to care for.

When I packed them up to go back to their parents, I realised that that was what was missing from Rich and I, babies.

So why didn't we?

Originally, he knew I wanted to have more children. He got with me knowing that, accepting that, and looking forward to a time when we could do that. We wanted to make sure our relationship was secure, because we wanted to know we could both deal with the pressures of The Ex's in our lives and in each others lives.

So why didn't we once we knew we were secure in each other? Mainly because of BG. Rich knew that he loved AC, that I loved BG, and that regardless of whether we had more children or not, that love would not stop. He knew that the He-Ex loved AC, and although he hated Rich, he was man enough not to cause problems between everyone just because we had a baby. We couldn't be that sure about the She-Ex. We couldn't be sure she wouldn't cut BG off from us, because of the baby, or babies. We knew once we started, we'd be having several! He wanted a large family with me, we talked about it so many times. Always the stumbling block wasn't that we weren't married, (although we would have preferred that, we'd lived with the lies of when the divorce was coming for so long that we'd given up on ever getting the truth about it, or the actual paperwork) the block was the mental state of the She-Ex. Several times we spoke to people about whether she was ok to mother the BG, and each time we had to weigh the disturbance of moving the BG (having already been through an incredibly traumatic and badly managed move) against her safety. Although the She-Ex accused us of neglect, we never felt that BG was in danger, or neglected by the She-Ex, just seen as a problem child. Thankfully that only came in stages, so we decided to leave the BG where she was. This summer though, things would have started to be different. But never mind. They didn't.

But it was against that background we waited and waited, and then in October last year, whilst he was away, we decided I should come off the pill. The rest is a somewhat miserable history.

I'd love to have a larger family, but not with just any bloke. I'd love to have a man beside me in bed, but not just any man. I'm picky! And the one I'd pick isn't here.

On with the day.

At some point I have to choose to break my sons heart again. I look at him now, curled up on the sofa with hot chocolate, and I want to protect him from all hurt. I can't. He has to know.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Another death

Tonight the town's Methodist population is reeling from the death of our Minister.

Neil was a wonderful man, who did Rich's Celebration in a wonderfully understanding manner. He knew Rich believed differently, and cared deeply that Rich was spiritual, as opposed to who or what he was spiritual about. Even in the service he was clear that we were both very faith filled people, and that we loved and respected each others faiths.

He died at home, alone. There has to be lots of poking and prodding and so on but it looks like asthma.

I just....

I don't know how AC will cope. He has lost so much recently, that whilst I know he will cope, I don't know how he'll do it. It's just a case of waiting, and seeing. He's a strong child though, who will pull through this horrible time of his life.

I am so tired I'm writing rubbish, so I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I have lots of children all day, including a beautiful baby!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

So tired!

It's only 2212 and I am so tired tonight I am about to head to bed.

Tomorrow is set to be a hectic day, with a driving lesson, AC due to go to his fathers, AB coming up to visit before he heads out, and so on. It'll be an early start, I know, and so it makes sense to go to bed now really.

Last night I was on the phone til midnight, and then SiM phoned at 2am, having a bit of a crisis that he needed to talk over with someone. He felt he could call me, anytime. I'm glad he did. There's never going to be an issue with anyone calling me at that time in the morning if they have a real problem, like he did. It just means I had about 3 hours sleep, and that wasn't in one lump!

Today was good though, in that we went to church, then it was a special lunch afterwards, I placed my Traidcraft order, then we went to see Ellen and Thomas on the way home, which was lovely. AC was beautifully behaved, even through the talk after the lunch, and a couple of people thought we had gone home, he was so good. He was drawing mostly. Technically accurate pictures of rifles, pistols, and GPMG's. He's really quite good at them.

He's ok tonight to get to bed. He's so sad sometimes, and in a raw moment his love for Rich and how much he misses him just blazes out through his eyes. There are moments when neither of us can believe that he is really gone, forever. That he won't just walk in. That is, apparently, not unusual at this stage of grief. The adrenalin based things are over, the Celebration and so on, and whilst there is still the inquest to go through, this is just the way it is.

Our futures, have massive holes in them. We lived with the BG sized hole in our lives, so I know that we can live with this one. Neither she or Rich chose to leave, neither of them chose to hurt those around them, and leave such massive holes, their choices were made for them, one by fate, and BG's by her mother. I cannot imagine how BG or her mother feel at the moment. I know that I would be feeling such guilt in the She-Ex's place, knowing that I was the reason BG had been robbed of a real relationship with her father, and I feel so sorry for her that she is the cause of that and now, she will be for eternity. She could have stayed here, they could have had a relationship for the last 4 years, and she chose for that not to happen. I can't imagine how that feels now, or how it will feel in years to come when BG realised exactly what did happen, and why.

But this, this is 100 days without him.


All AC and I want, is for him to come home. He won't, he can't, and we can't even go to him, because we don't know where he is, not really. Will we ever know? I have no idea. Does it matter? Sometimes.

However, we have things that we need to do, which will be done at the right time. We were denied the chance to do them properly by the anger and guilt of those who didn't know him properly any more, and that's ok. I am still trying to understand, and I'll get there if I keep trying. I don't feel any anger towards the perpetrators, just sadness that their lives are that way.

But now it is bedtime. For the 101st time I will get into bed, knowing he won't be getting in in an hour, or a few days, or a week, or a couple of months, but never. That's the hardest time. But for him, when he died, it was almost 1400 days since his world was ripped apart and he and BG never saw each other again. How many goodnight kisses, stories, games and conversations that AC had with him, that he should have had with BG as well?

However, it is a huge comfort to look at that number, and think that he has been gone for 101 nights now, but we had a 1001 at least together. We didn't have every night - he served away in so many different guises, but even when he was away he tried to get in contact any way that he could.

So I don't know an exact number, I could work it out if I was that anally retentive, but the romantic in me loves the idea of a thousand and one nights.

1001 "goodnight my darling"s. 1001 cuddles and hand holdings and lovings. So much good stuff, from a man who loves me unconditionally, who loves the children unconditionally, and who always will.

Amazing, and sending me to bed on a much less maudlin note.

100 nights

100 nights without him.

It's a tough one tonight.

Really tough.

I'll man up and get through it, I always do, but.... yeah.....

It's a tough one.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Brownies and Up!

I went with the Brownies, and CP, to see UP! today.

It was a tremendous film, and I cried like a girlie girl for lots of it.

I won't write about why now, because you might not have seen it, but if you get chance, you do that thing.

Then CP brought me back here, and there was no gaming so there was Chinese and a little boy in tears because people weren't here.

And then a little boy telling me he was sorry, he told me a lie.

When I asked him what, he said it wasn't them, it was Rich, but he was trying to be brave. He wants Rich back, or he wants to know why it had to happen to "my Richard."

I couldn't tell him.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The weekend is here.

I have fabric.
I have a machine.
I have tv.
I have cakes to bake.
I have tables to clear.
I have a bed to make.
I have a kitchen to clean.

I don't have email from the She-Ex.
I don't have email from I-t-B.
I don't have to take any action I don't want to, in that case.
I don't have to plan.
I don't have to mark books.
I don't have to worry about food.
I don't have to worry about anything.

I had all the stuff in the top list before I didn't have Rich.
The bottom stuff came and went, as it usually does.

I don't have Rich here.

A long time ago, and it feels like forever, but it wasn't, the She-Ex wrote

Sent: Monday, 29 June, 2009 17:07:34
Subject: Re: Blog updated

Really Sarah, what are you guys living with, apart from Richard not having BG, his life seems pretty damned spiffy right now.

I guess she still thinks my life is pretty dammed spiffy right now. Or else she wouldn't be randomly emailing me like it's all fine. Like she can be abusive, and then email to ask for something, then just ignore everything I say to her like I said nothing.

And that's ok, in many ways. It's quieter without the constant up and down of her moods. It's nicer without the vitriolic outbursts. But it's rubbish without Rich, without BG even for the paltry amount of contact her mother allowed. I won't get any now, I shouldn't think.

*shakes self*

Time to sew. We're getting maudlin here.

Cup of tea, and writing laters.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Death and Taxes

There are only two certainties - Death and Taxes.

One day I'll look up who said that, but right now I'm thinking about waking up without him again, waking up to a text from someone else that was intended to make me smile, and did, and tax forms that came yesterday, and emailing people about them and so on.

Or in fact, I'll just leave it for a while, there's no hurry, the facts aren't going anywhere lol!

Today is going to be a good day, again, I have decided this. Life is, pretty much, what I make it right now, and I'm going to make it good for the AC and I because he deserves a good life, and I have a responsibility, regardless of my feelings, to make it happen. And we will.

He's much more chirpy these days, much more settled, and I think a weeks halfterm will sort us both out for a while, although mine looks to be busy already!

Speaking of busy, I need to get on.

Time, tide and shower water wait for no man.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Good day!

Today has, so far, been a good day.

I'm in my jama's by 5pm, listening to Top Gear and thinking about quilt patterns. How can it be a bad day?

The children were lovely, the weather was damp, but not so bad, there's been a lovely email from The Random Aunts, there's been a message for me to do stuff, which I shan't hurry over, there's been tea and cheddars adn so on.

But right now, there's just some peace and quiet.

I like that.

Three months ago I fell in love all over again. And today, again, he's been so close I could almost touch him, smell him, see him, feel his body brush past me. Oh feel free to think I'm barking, but I know what I know.

And I know he loves me.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Easy day?

Today I'm taking the children to the Arts Centre in town to see Arthur and the Invisibles. This afternoon it's my PPA time. I'm going to the bank to sort out a few things. After that it's Spanish, then I'm home to see my sister and make a guineapig shaped cake.

Hectic day? Not really.

I've just been sat here, looking through his wallet. Holding it, and missing him.

And now a day with less thinking in it. This is not a good thing.


No answer from the She-Ex, but I wrote another email last night saying I would phone BG if she would like me to.


Dear Lori,

I was thinking about this today, and wondering just how much involvement you want BG to have with AC and I. We knew Rich better than anyone at the time that he died, and have lots of things to tell her that never made it to the blog, lots of stories, photos and so on. Obviously I hope that one day she will want to come over and see us, see the places her Daddy loves, and the people, but I know that won't be until she is a lot older.

I still want to do things like send her advent parcel, which was something *I* always did, but I don't want to do it if it's just going to go in the bin, or be a problem for her or you. We will always love her, not because Rich asked me to look after her, but because we always have loved her, regardless of the Promise that he and I made each other.

Financially, things are easing up as we get used to living on one wage again, having rearranged a couple of things and just said "Not our problem!" to several others, so maybe we would be able to phone her sometimes, if she'd like that. I haven't done it, not because I didn't want to talk to her, but because I felt vulnerable and threatened by you at a very painful part of my life. As this event begins to be assimilated into the bigger picture though, it doesn't stop hurting, but the rawness is being absorbed. Yesterday, when AC said he didn't want a jumper to cuddle, he wanted Rich himself, it was painful in the extreme, but I could manage it until I was alone to cry for a while, and that's what lets me believe I am strong enough now to cope with whatever you say again, which I wasn't for a while. You swearing at me on the day of Churchdown was incredibly difficult, but that's a month ago now, and I'm a month stronger, and could deal with that differently now.

Life has changed for AC and I in immeasurable ways that were not of our choosing, but we're coping most of the time now. I-t-B calling BG was supposed to be part of helping her cope, and you haven't really said how she is coping, just that she's doing fine at school, so I'm guessing she's ok. I hope so. If I can be part of helping her cope better, then just say.



I'll leave it again now. I'm not going to beg. In 13 weeks I've had no photos, no real information about how she is, what she's been up to, nothing like that. But then in the weeks before Rich died there had been nothing either.

This will eat me if I'm not careful, and I love my son and have too much self respect to let it. She's a nice person, deep under the various hurts, and we were waiting for that to get back out on top.

I'll help her if I can, I'll always help BG if I can, but I'm not going to beg.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sandringham in the cold.

Yesterday AB brought K over for the last time for a while, and we went to Sandringham. We ran in the woods, we played hide and seek, we picnicked, we went on the tractor ride, and to all intents and purposes to outsiders we must have looked like any other family there, mid thirties, taking the kids to the park, 1 boy, 1 girl, (really must get Labrador to complete picture!) and so on.

Looking at AB you wouldn't know what he's going through, and it's not my place to go into it here.

K is too young to understand, but she was having fun.

AC was just running off steam, as he's needed to do for a while. He organised a game of Hide and Seek, climbed trees, was exhausted after crying for 2 hours on Saturday night because he wanted Rich to come home.

And me? I was spending the day missing Rich, missing doing this with Rich, knowing what he would be doing, how we'd be playing, what we'd be saying. I kept being surprised by AB not being Rich, in a way.

I couldn't think without crying yesterday evening, hence no post, and an early night, and today I am fighting off a cold, but damn, I miss him so much.

I also had email from the She-Ex, saying that BG hasn't heard from I-t-B, and what should she do? I replied I would talk to her anytime she wanted, I didn't say I'd phone her, but I would love to if I knew it wouldn't make things worse, I've been wanting to phone her for weeks now, but haven't because I doubted I'd be allowed to speak to her. I can't talk for I-t-B, but I can talk for me. I phoned mum first to see what she thought, and she agreed it was the right thing for me to do.

I am settling into our new life, new routines, new things.

I miss the old one.

But there is Proverbs 17:22 I heard the other day.

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."

And it drieth the bones of all around it as well. I didn't let the world break my spirit when I was with him and it tried, and I won't let it break me when he's not here.

I love him, he loves me.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


... today is 3 months.

I had an email yesterday, which was a surprise, from the She-Ex, to say that yesterday was 3 months, by her maths and she hoped we were doing ok. Yesterday we were. But 3 months is today. 13 weeks was yesterday. Petty, aren't I.

But I didn't have to do any maths, because it's ingrained in my life. And I'm glad.


Yes, I'm glad.

Glad because it hurts so much because he meant so much.
Glad because I know how long it is without checking.
Glad because I can celebrate his passing again, on my own, without any fakery from others.
Glad because I can celebrate his passing with some of his real friends tonight.
Glad because I know he loves us, and he knows we love him.

Real love.
Real deep unchanging glorious technicolour love.
Not something to be replaced with just another warm body in the bed - I have no need for all that.
Not something to be replaced with just another number to text, or address to email - I have friends for that.
Not something to be packed up, given away, thrown away, left behind.

Real deep love, that a man has for the woman of his hearth and heart, and that she has for him. Real respectful love, that a child has for his parents, and his parents have for him. AC was not the child of his body, but he was a child of his heart, and the child of his hearth.

Today, I glory in having known him, and deciding that whilst life is what we make it, so is death, and I will not mourn today.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Multitudity of Coolnesses

Ok, I made those words up. But this morning, as we head into week 13, I am determinedly blessed by a multitude of coolnesses.

I woke up to a lovely email on FB from one of the mums who I'd helped yesterday when her daughter had gone out of school by the wrong gate, saying thankyou for staying, but also that she wasn't surprised, as I had always been there when she needed me.

That's cool. Not the doing of it, but the messaging.

My clothes are ready to go this morning. Technically I could be sitting here dressed, but I'll actually get dressed in a moment.

The wonder of the inhaler roll, which is indeed wonderous. See here. And the fact that it's here incase the AC needs it, not because he is asthmatic. Sitting sewing it with him was lovely last night. He didn't ask for tv until we'd been home a good couple of hours, because we played, and sewed, and that's cool because it means that he's getting away from the escapism that the tv was offering him, and is starting to face reality again. Understandably, like a fair few small children in his situation, every now and again he doesn't want to think about just how much he's lost and how much it matters to him that Rich has died.

I also had a phonecall confirming the inquest date yesterday and telling me the time. It's 2pm, which is cool, because that, to me, means it is neat and tidy, cut and dried, and we shall not be long. I've let I-t-B and the She-Ex know, and heard nothing back, but that's ok. I know what that means, and that's fine. It doesn't matter to her that he died quickly or whatever, just that he's dead and there's no money coming in like it used to. I hope she gets the Widows pension, I really do because at least that'll help keep a roof over the BG's head.

Anyway, 13 weeks. 91 days.


3 months tomorrow.

I'll care, but I won't hear from anyone else like She-Ex or I-t-B I shouldn't think. And that's ok too. It's cool that their intrusion into my grief is lessening, and their fake tears are dried now. AC and I will do what we always do, gaming will continue, but I think a special cake this week, and life will go on.

Life does go on. I was asked on a date yesterday. I said no, because I'm not ready for all that, for emotionally involving myself in someone like that again, because I can't imagine kissing someone else, let alone anything else. But it was cool to be asked, and it was cool to be told that the person would wait until I was ready. Whether he will or not, I don't know. I can't imagine being ready, ever, right now, but 13 weeks ago now I couldn't imagine being without Rich, 12 weeks ago I couldn't imagine talking about him without crying, so who knows what life will be like at 30 weeks, or 60 weeks or 90 weeks (why multiples of 30? I don't know!)

Yeah. Life is cool.

I know the quilt I'll be making for me for this time of my life. I might even start it this weekend.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


I have just dreamt of Rich, properly, for the first time.

I sent AC upstairs to get something, and we were going out, and suddenly Rich is coming down the stairs asking if I know where his t-shirt is.

I faint. (Yes, in my dream!)

It turns out that he's been hiding in the loft all this time, for some reason best known to dreamworld, but the RAF did know about it, and it was some kind of exercise, and so that's why they went ahead with the funeral and so on, and because everyone thinks he's dead we can start a new life somewhere, away from his family, the She-Ex, everything, doing this stuff for the RAF.

We kissed.

A lot.


He was always a Very Good Kisser who liked lots of kissing, in all it's various forms. I think that dream explored a lot of them.

Then AC and I went shopping, and came home to him, as normal.

Then I woke up.

Am I happy? Kind of. Am I sad? Yeah. Am I confident it was just a dream - absolutely, don't worry folks!

But it was cool.

Shower time!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

It has just occurred to me

Actually several things have just occurred to me.

(This is not unusual. I am a thinking person.)

1) Generally, I am a happy person. I am happy because of lots of things. My son, my family, my friends, my job, my house, all that kind of thing contributes to my happiness.

2) This happiness, inate and unstoppable as it is, confuses, and irritates some people. Others accept it at the face value for what it is. I'm just happy.

3) This happiness is somewhat of a facade at times - and that is fine. We all pretend different things at different times as a coping mechanism.

4) Part of my happiness comes from knowing myself in detail. I don't always like what I find, but I do look at myself and accept or change me as I see fit. And that means that I am not often surprised by myself.

I'm kind of feeling my way through this post. Need to think more!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod-mega-gadget-thingy! Wooo!


Yay! Cross country run today! I get to do it twice, once with a little girl with CP, and once with a bigger boy who has ASD and could run anywhere at anytime!

I had a terse reply from the She-Ex yesterday who seems to think that BG will need a copy of the certificate for her future. I have genuinely no idea what that would be for, answers on a postcard please! I sent back a fairly chatty, friendly reply, because contrary to what she thinks I don't hate her and I'm not out to deny her or her daughter anything, but there's no answer, which is fair enough. My mother would say "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." it's a maxim I try and stick to, with the odd exception of on here.

Tonight I will report on how the quilt was recieved and how school was and how easy it is typing on one of these Gadgets and of course the cross country.

Enjoy your day!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod-mega-gadget-thingy! Wooo!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Well, I've heard nothing from the She-Ex or I-t-B, so it looks like they are either really busy (probable in I-t-B's case) or just aren't interested in the inquest or need certificates. That's ok, if that's the way that they need to be to be right now, that's ok. It means I don't need to keep them informed about when it is and so on, which makes life a lot easier. I will make one more effort, for BG's sake, with both of them, and then we're clearly done!

My thought process on this is that if they aren't interested in this, then they aren't interested in anything of Rich's, and I will get on with sorting it out by myself. I've already decided lots of things, and was willing to work with them to help them get the "things" that they were asking about. This just appears that the She-Ex in particular was just asking and infact isn't bothered at all by what has happened, which makes the comment of "I loved Richard desperately, still do" that she left on here apparent as the hyperbole it was in the first place. That's why I left the comment on the blog, and infact, I answered it in detail, because it was utter claptrap.

I'm not doubting that she loved him once, and I felt that that desperate possessive love carried on for a long while, and now she's enjoying being the widow, and that's fine, but this just shows how interested she really is. Yet again, as in everything, from what Rich said and what I've seen with her own eyes, she likes the nice bits, the "look at me" bits, and doesn't want to do the work bits.

But I'll try one more time.... for BG's sake. And then it's just blog updating until I meet the BG sometime and we talk about her Daddy properly. She and the AC are the ones who have lost out so much in this. I'm fine - even the Doc yesterday when AC and I went for bereavement session (their invite, not my request!) said I was doing fine, it's all perfectly normal. I'm going back on the pill which will regularise my innards, (and as a bonus get rid of my spots on my back and I'll probably lose half a stone,) but I don't need anti-depressants or anything, I'm fairly well adjusted (tho there are those people, mainly Welsh, who would disagree!) and that's ok! I didn't want anti-d's, I've seen them cloud people's judgement too much when prescribed for any old thing and I have a son to look after. AC may have a referral, he's just wait and see at the moment.

It's horrible to be even having a prescription for the pill though. But I'm not going to be trying for children any more, so I may as well claim the benefits of it. There's a whole nother post there though.

Yeah. :-(

So! *readjusts game face* On with the day!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Canadian Quilt

So this is the quilt done. It's only a square baby sized one, and more for lying on than tucking up with, but it's small enough to drag around as a toddler, and big enough to lie over a poorly 6 year old's legs.

Yeah, I'm planning on her liking it a lot lol! I'll never know though, because it's for a friend to take to Canada with her for a child's christening present! It does feel odd just to make it and let it completely go though.

I had to stand on the table to take these pictures, so you can see my little size 3 (uk) feet on here, as well as the most gorgeous butterfly fabric. It's quilted through to a layer of pink, and then the butterfly was put on right sides together, stitched almost all the way around, then turned out the right way and hand stitch the gap closed.

I like doing little people quilts this way, because then a) all my mistakes are hidden lol!, and b) there is no chance of loose threads to catch small fingers and toes.

And I've decided to stick it into the blog festival, because.... why not! The way I'm going, I might even make myself a proper quilting blog! If you came here from the blog festival then *waves* I'm dropping by as many as I can!


I've now created a separate blog for quilting "sewing the rainbow through the rain"

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Where's the quilt?

Some people may find themselves here as part of

and think "Where is the quilt?"

I'm working on several right now, just as my mind takes me. I have one to finish for a friend for Monday (as in tomorrow! ARGH!) but if you look in my sidebar you'll see why my summer of quilting didn't go as planned.

However, life is slowly developing a new normal.

And that normal will involve a lot of quilting, including some very special Memory Quilts.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I emailed...

I-t-B and the She-Ex, to let them know about the inquest date being at least potentially sorted. I just wanted to keep them both in the loop really. It took me ages to word this carefully and in, I hope, the least offensive manner.


Dear I-t-B and She-Ex

I have been given a possible date for the inquest as the end of November. I should get an idea of an official date in the next couple of weeks. Following this, a death certificate will be issued. I will make sure that I send you both a copy if you still require it. Obviously I don't want to send you one if you don't *need* it, as they are upsetting documents to possess.

I hope that you are both well, and that the children are all well, and that BG has been appreciating the updates via the blog. I will be updating the blog again after the Year service, and with anything that AC would like BG to know.

We are both managing fine, although I am looking into bereavement counselling for AC to forestall any issues. He misses Rich so much, but finds his Memory Box a great help. He is doing well at school, wobbly at times, but has an unofficial Care Plan in place which is working well.

If you have any questions about anything this end, then please let me know and I will do what I can to answer them.



Now they know what I know!

Calm and chilled

Today I have....

...sorted out Rich's phone - it was either I did it or they sent the bill to the She-Ex. Tempting as it was to throw another one her way, it was unnecessary this time lol!

... upgraded the price plan on mine and discovered when my upgrade is. 3 weeks! But I love this phone. However, it's getting a little tired now, so maybe.... maybe...

... had a sight test, and arranged new glasses. Obviously I'm no longer NHS for them, but that's ok, I managed it. I only had to pay half today and half when I pick them up. That's 2 pairs of glasses for 2 x £184. If I write it like that, it's so much less money!

... consoled myself after a difficult morning with buying material. Yeah. I'm upset about spending money, so I spend more. Well, tbh, I wasn't upset, I needed them, (I cannot live forever with glasses held together with thread!) so probably I just indulged myself. But hey.

... looked for, and found, lots of flat surfaces in the house! Hurrah!

... made plans for AB and lovely K to come tomorrow. We are all very excited.

... bought things from Boots. Hormonally challenged as I am, I have the worlds largest spots on my back. It'll settle. I'll probably go back on the pill, tbh. I'm not going to be doing of the do with anyone, but a bit of regularity might be nice! Dr's on Monday for both of us, then Wednesday for AC for chest clinic.

... made banana cake.

Not a bad day!

Friday, October 9, 2009

12 weeks.

... and counting.

Always counting.

12 weeks is such a vital number for the baking of babies, as Rich called it. He held me so many times, and in February he held me for so long, and in June, and now there is no one to hold me, just me.

AC has gone to his fathers. He-Ex was determined to be having his access time, regardless of the 40+ temp of last night and the possibility of infection to his lovely but ancient mother. I think she's lovely. She doesn't like me, but that's ok. What she knows of me is based on the things He-Ex told her.

See, there's another thing. Everything we know of people we either experience for ourselves, or it's based on another's perception.

I-t-B didn't like me, because of the lies told to him by the She-Ex.

My parents were initially not fond of Rich because of the lies (and they were blatent lies!) told them by the He-Ex.

The She-Ex told me Rich was a bisexual schizophrenic. I never experienced anything of that, and I think that in his time away and time in the RAF, that if that was true, someone would have noticed. And he certainly *wasn't* interested in other men - or at least he wasn't when he was with me! lol!

But her purpose of telling me that was that she wanted me to be disgusted, to not be interested in him. At the time, regardless of what she thought and what she later told I-t-B, I wasn't. He was a very good friend, and that was about it. He told me later that he loved me from the first time he saw me, he just hadn't realised that was what real love felt like, and he felt he owed it to BG to keep the marriage going as long as he could.

Had I believed her, then I would have done what? Well, nothing to be honest. One is nature, one is nurture and illness combined. I can hardly walk away from a friend for the way he is or the way he was brought up, or the fact he is unwell. Maybe she would have, I don't know.

But this time 4 years ago, 2005, we were reeling from the aftershocks of her taking BG in the way she did. He was away and had had a breakdown. I was dealing with the end of my marriage but I phoned him every night, just to be sure he was ok.

This time 3 years ago, we were getting used to life in this house, and loving it.

This time 2 years ago, we were making plans for Ellie, loving AC through his first year at school, running backwards and forwards to nursery whilst he did part time. We welcomed the fish, the new cat, the Rangy's, and were making plans for us.

This time last year, he was going away soon, but he had already come back once, so we weren't worried.

This year, I've just come in from quiz at school, having burst into tears in front of parents and colleagues during "I know him so well."......

Ah well.

12 weeks.

There we go.

Not an email from the She-Ex, or I-t-B. Nothing I can do then, except what I am doing.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Off to bed.

Quilt top is complete.

Quilt top 2 is complete.

Jordan has brought her trousers round, I mended them, she had cup of tea etc, and has just gone home.

Bed is calling me.

Tomorrow I am out to school, football practice, driving lesson, school for quiz in the evening, back here.

Saturday is clean, sew, eye test at 11.30, clean, sew, bake, tidy, gaming at 7.

Sunday is hopefully AB and the lovely K coming down to do lunch, and park, and so on. Should be good.

Monday will be back to school, and I need to have the quilt finished by then, ready to go.

No pressure then....

Another Facebook survey

1. My ex is
a playful father, but a lousy husband. That's ok!

2. I should learn to
say "No, I'm a bit busy at the moment."

3. I love
AC and Rich, BG, my family, teaching, icecream, cheese, ANTM, autumn mornings. And a lot of other things.

4. People would say that I am
optimistic. I hope. They did say lots of other stuff. Scroll down my page somewhere.

5. I don't understand
why then was the time, but I accept that it was. Mostly.

6. When I wake up in the morning
I go the loo, feed the cat, put the tumbler on, feed the pig, sit down here and think.

7. I lost
the better part of my life, the man my son loves, and the best and most purposeful relationship I had ever had.

8. Life is
too short to match socks.

9. My past taught me
that now is the time, that forgiveness is vital to a happy life, that children come first, above Everything, and that God has a plan.

10. I get annoyed when
people make assumptions about my class based on stupid tracking date held by stupid computers and make asinine predictions for them with no regard for them as individuals.

11. Parties
are something that happens here every Saturday night!

12. I wish
oh man, I wish so many, many things. Mostly, that this situation right now would change. And it is, slowly, but not in the way I want.

13. Dogs and cats
are a responsibility and not something to be abandoned, given away, used to punish children with and so on. You chose to have it? You train it and look after it and get it neutered.

14. My childhood pet
was Imogen, the Rotund Cat, and Helio Begarlis, the skinny tom.

15. Tomorrow is
Friday already. Treat time for the boy. And 12 weeks.

16. I have a low tolerance for
the She-Ex suddenly displaying her emotions for him, people using children to punish other people, and the cat sticking his claws in my leg repeatedly.

17. If I had a million dollars
I'd go and see BG, and take her a couple of things of her Daddy's, and set her up a college fund, and generally look after her the way Rich wanted to.

18. I'm terrified of
nothing now!

19. I've come to realize
that it is ok to not know what happens next, that emotions are a variable thing, and that whilst it's easy, it's not right to hold grudges against people who are emotionally and morally stunted.

20. I am listening to
the tumbledrier, the cat, the guinea-pig.

21. I talk
because if I didn't, I'd be a rubbish mother and teacher.

22. My good friends
have really come through for me in the last 12 weeks.

23. My first kiss
was nothing compared to the first time I kissed Rich, outside, in the middle of a thunderstorm.

24. Love is
marvellous, but takes work.

25. Marriage is
paper. Important paper, and not something to be used to punish others with, but still paper.

26. Somewhere, someone is thinking
time to get up.

27. I'll always be
me, as hard as I can be, having a Smokey Robinson moment.

28. The last time I really cried was
leaked slightly in assembly yesterday, randomly, but really cried on Tuesday. Cow noises and everything.

29. My cell phone is
one of my main methods of communication. It has internet and all sorts.

30. Before I go to bed
I think about Rich, say goodnight to him, check the child, and think.

31. My middle name
is Margaret

32. Right now, I am thinking
I need a shower.

33. Today I
teach Numeracy, Literacy, Art, swimming and spanish.

34. Tomorrow I will be
who knows? Nothing is for certain.

35. I really want to

36. The person most likely to re-post this is
someone with time on their hands

37. The person least likely to re-post this is
someone with less time!

38. My relationship with my grandparents
has always been interesting, but mainly I wish we were closer.

39. My most treasured possession is
sewing machine? Rocking goat? I don't know really. Stuff is, just stuff.

40. My favorite pictures
are of Rich and AC together - playing lightsabers, pulling faces, but my absolute favourite is the one of AC looking up at Rich, so adoringly, and Rich looking down at AC. I defy anyone to tell me their emotions didn't matter after seeing *that* picture.

41. I sing
all the time, but out of tune.

42. If I were a crayon
I'd be purple, and I'd be EVERYWHERE!

43. Someday I want to travel to
wherever Rich is now.

44. I am wearing
his dressing gown.

45. My favorite class this semester

46. My favorite language is
English - it's the only one I speak.

47. It hurts
when I think about all the things we should have done together, that I don't know properly where he is, that I won't see BG growing up, that AC has lost the man he wanted to be.

48. I'm going to miss
talking to him in the middle of the night, about everything.

49. My profile picture is
AC on the stairs, being an opera singer.

50. I need
a hug.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Thinking done

I've done a lot of thinking over the last few days.

These are the things I've decided.

The quilt is fine. It'll be like a medallion quilt with the centre block and then strips around the outside.

The house is fine. Things are being done slowly. And that's the best way. After all, he's going to be gone for a long time, and I'm in no hurry to move someone else in lol!

I'm fine. Yes, there are a few issues, and we'll get those dealt with asap. Bank visit went very well, everything there is dealt with, mortgage people on next Tuesday, and that will just about wrap everything up as far as the house goes. Dr's next week. I'm fine.

AC is fine-er. He has had a better week thus far this week. Admittedly, he was curled up with Rich's bike helmet (the spare one, don't worry, the other is still in my shed.) but he was happy, he was playing with it, he was sat reading "Bike" magazine the other day - and properly reading it as well - so I think we can say he is getting over the bike thing that he had for a while.

The animals are all fine. That's a good thing.

My friends are fine, and they understand that I am fine with them being fine, that yes, of course they have moved on, they are supposed to, their everyday lives haven't changed. It's the same for everyone else, except AC, BG and me. We are the only ones whose everyday lives are upside down, and I would hope that by now the BG's life is the right way up.

I'm starting to slowly pass things on that were Rich's things. I can't keep everything, and that's ok.

I have a choice though. I can wallow in this grief, eating myself stupid and getting fat and obnoxious and neglecting my child, or I can pick us up, shake us down, and get onto the next part of our lives.

We'll get there, the child and I.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Sucessful morning!

It's 6.22am

So far there is a casserole in the slow cooker, bread in the bread maker, the child is showered and ready to dress, I've had a cup of tea and the animals are fed.

That's not bad.

I'm thinking about whether I should email people today to say that I'm going to be starting to sort stuff out. And I'm thinking, if they wanted things, they would have said. All I've had from either of the people I would be mailing is that they want "things" and a specific request for something I don't think we have from I-t-B. Obviously if I find it, he can have it. It's probably in a box in the loft though, where we found more stuff that had come from the Swamp-Pit. Rich and I were going to go through it all, empty the loft, and look at putting a Velux window in there and using it for gaming. Now, I think I'll just bin the lot tbh. She-Ex said she had taken everything she needed from England when she left, so *shrug* I don't need any of it. Obviously there are things I think BG might like, and things I *know* he wanted her to have, but aside from that, I shall do with it as takes me at the time.

I don't want to open any cans of worms, which I will if I email them, but I don't want them to feel excluded, which they will if I don't. Answers on a postcard please? I'm not strong enough to deal with the hatred that will come from the She-Ex. Right now, the AC and I are so vulnerable, we'd give in to all sorts that we didn't want to, and importantly, we don't have to and we shouldn't.

But like I used to say to Rich, it's just stuff.


Some things are not just stuff, and will not be leaving this house because they were special to us, to me, were an integral part of him and of our lives.

I did start on socks and pants last night. *sigh* Sad, but I don't need to keep his old pants, so it was an easy drawer to start on!

Right, shower, dress child, dress me, do Harvest box, find watering can for school, pack bags, sort animals for the day, go to school!

Game face on!

Monday, October 5, 2009


There's lots of stuff here that I have to sort through. I haven't even unloaded the car from the last time Rich used it.

When I type it, it sounds so silly, but it doesn't feel it.

There's a lot of clothes on the bed too. For now, they'll go in the ottoman, until I think what to do with them.

There's a box of shoes, a bag of socks and pants, and all kinds of other bits and pieces, let alone actual items.

There's just life. There's just our lives, all around me, and I have to make it back to my life again.

And I should start soon. No-one else is interested or has said what they want or need, so it's up to me.

I'll find a way - I have a gorgeous son to carve a new life for.

I just wish I wasn't having to do this, that's all. Just wish he was home.

It should be about now, and it never will be.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod-mega-gadget-thingy! Wooo!


It's early.

I woke up at the new wake up time, (which appears to e 0528) and here I am. Animals are fed, shower is next.

I meant to blog last night about so much stuff, and now I'll have to do it later. I was so tired when I got to bed I literally just crashed out. That's nice.

And I dreamt a journey with Rich, and there was nothing surprising about this journey, we were just in the Rangy, going somewhere. I think it was Norwich, but my sense of direction is legendary, so I can't say that for certain.

We were driving, and chatting, and he had his hand on my leg, like he used to do so much when we were on bigger roads. I can still feel it. His hand, just resting on my leg and his thumb rubbing little circles. Just pure affection.

And then he looked over at me, and said "I love you sweetheart." and I said "I love you too."

That was the end of the dream I clearly remember, there was more to it but it was just everyday stuff. In a way though, that little segment of our lives was every day stuff too.

In the 4.5 years I knew him, the 4 years we were seeing each other, he never said anything nasty to me, never called me a name, never told me I'd let him down, and in fact told me on a fair few occasions that I had never and could never let him down. He was always a gentleman, and a gentle man.

He loves me.
I love him.

I know he was proud of AC at his demonstration yesterday. (I opened up the blog to send the pictures to BG, and then closed it - she wouldn't be allowed to look at it anyway, and even if she did there wouldn't be a comment. See here for stats! AC wants me to tell her, but....)

I know he loves us and we love him.

As the song says "That may be, all I need to know."


Sunday, October 4, 2009

Testing,testing, 1,2,3!

So I finally gave in and let Ru talk me into getting one of these new fangled thingies. It's great. Seriously, I love it. It's dinky, but it's majorly groovelicious. And I can now blog anywhere, anytime.


And I'm supposed to be planning, so I'll put this on charge and work.

Laters people!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod-mega-gadget-thingy! Wooo!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hey you.

Hey you.

The house is warm and cosy.
There are buns in the oven.
There is a pile of quilts for quilting.
There is washing in the machine.
The kitchen is tidy.
The floors are hoovered.
And I'm crying.

Because you're not here to share it with me. I wanted to tell you how Bank Lady sorted everything out today, and whilst I know you know, it's not the same as telling you. I want to hear you tell me again how proud you are of me, how much it matters to you, how much you love the things I do, and my cooking and so on. I want to hear it Rich.

I miss you so badly. I miss you in the dark nights and the light mornings and the gaming evenings and the working days. I miss you in the cups of tea and the bacon sandwiches and the interruped showers.

I miss you in being able to touch type so I can type through my tears and just let you know. I miss you, whilst I sit in your jeans, your t-shirt, on your chair, just cow-noising and missing you.

I would give anything for you to come home. I know you didn't want to go, I know that you love me and the AC and that we are your world. That keeps me warm at night, to know how happy you were, how much you love us, and how you never let me down on a promise.

And you promised me it would all be fine.

And it will.

Love you.


Friday, October 2, 2009


Yesterday morning, AC and I watched a video on FB of some lovely lads in the hot and sunny lands playing around and posing and dancing in a mankini. When I get the link again, I'll post it. But if you google mankini, look at the picture of one, and imagine it in desert camo material, RAF roundel on the front, and parading around on chaps with white bums and legs, and very tanned tops, you'll get the idea!

AC laughed in a way he hasn't for a long time. Shall we say 11 weeks? I think so.....

So I emailed the chap who made the video to say thankyou, and you are lovely, and so on. He's emailed me back today to say that he will pass the message on to the other lads, and that it's nice to know what an effect they had on someone - they were just messing around.

And that's it really, isn't it. We don't know what effect we have on people. Pure ignorance and thoughtlessness is behind most of what the She-Ex did to us, it wasn't deliberate (well, taking BG and keeping her contact minimal at times and being abusive and not getting divorced was, but that's about to bite her in the behind unfortunately) but mostly, it was just the way she was. That's sad, but I'm glad we didn't let it rule our lives. In the same way, I expect that whilst when I wrote to her with a concilatory tone, she thought I was sarcastic, and mean and I probably upset her day. Some days I was angry, and I told her clearly I was having a go at her, but other times, unintentionally, I know I upset her, just by existing, just by making him happy when she couldn't.

We don't know what effect those around us have on those we love. AC loves Rich, Rich loves the AC, that's True Fact (AC's latest phrase!) and Rich was amazed by the depth of hero-worship and love the AC had for him. One of the reasons that I'm glad Rich didn't survive to be paraplegic, is that now, the children have him as a hero, not as a frail person who needs to be looked after, but has a hero, who went to the 'Stan, and was brave and strong and mighty, as a father who loves them both so dearly, and who was a wonderful father. The AC will grow up knowing that, I cannot speak for the BG, but I can tell her later.

We don't know what effect we have on those whose lives we touch - friends travelled from all over the country to get to the Celebration, those who couldn't travel (or were on the Banned list lol!) thought and prayed for all of us on that day. And they travelled because he touched their lives, he made them smile, he cared and listened and was there when they needed him.

We don't know what effect we have on the lives of those we brush past - my children were upset, and one of my boys is determined that if footballing fails him, then he'll go into the forces, "Like Miss C's Big Richard." They called him "Big Richard" because he was. They knew him, they said hello to him in town if they saw him, (and when he was on his own, apparently that was weird!) and one of the mums said to me that Rich changed her sons life. How? Because Rich told him that he was dyslexic, just like this lad, and it hadn't stopped him doing anything he wanted to do, he'd just had to work a little harder and find a way around it. That short conversation, and there were many with different children, changed that small boy from thinking he was stupid, to thinking life might be tricky, but it was still going to be great.

There were so many ways that Rich had an effect on peoples lives. And I only know them because people said, because he had been killed. I've always said when I appreciate something people have done, and now I say it more than ever, because why shouldn't they know *before* they die?

And the Ssssssh? AC is still asleep - first solid night in a long, long time. About 11 weeks I think....

Thursday, October 1, 2009

A normal day

5th May 09

I was just looking something up, and I came across this day.

It was an ordinary day, nothing spectacular happened.

Rich was on earlies, I was writing reports, I wrote up what we did at the weekend, with pictures, I wrote about how much we loved each other and how that worked for us.

I'd been listening to music, and thinking about how I used to play a Tom Jones track when I thought about him - Help me make it through the night. It's a wonderful song, and I wrote about how we did that for each other, with just being us.

That paragraph was...

And that was how it was. We were just there to make it through another night of heartache and confusion. I made the tea and toast. He ate it. We stared at the tv, curled in our own thoughts, or we talked and talked and talked, sat outside in the dark whilst he smoked. We just were together, in a way we had never been with our old partners, or at least not for the longest time. We listened to each other, because we were never the ones being listened to before. We loved and cared and shared and opened up in the ways we had to, to be totally one with the other, and to make it through the night. There was no need for martyrdom, nor for exaggeration and pretense, no need for stories and lies, there was just us, with the naked truth, (though not the naked bodies as some would have the world believe!) and cups of tea.

I miss that. I miss it so much. I want to sit and talk in the dark with him, or sit on the sofa not talking. I want to sit on the back step, lean on the landy, crack open a beer for him and hear him tell me I'll make someone happy one day, and he'll be a lucky chap. I want to tell him the things on my mind, and hear him listening to me, not talking over me, not dismissing me - he never did that.

I want to listen to him, I want to know what's going on in his head, and he always told me. We knew all we needed to know about each other - people who didn't meet until they were 30 never know all there is to know about each other, and that's lovely too, because there are always stories to tell.

I just.....

I just needed to look at this most normal of days, and see that this was our normal life. It was love, and laughter, and work, and just being together. Just being together.

And when I looked back again, I found this. Same day.

The woman at the tool stand said "You going help Daddy with the wheels then?" and AC just said "Yes!" R looked at me, looked at him, and said, "Well, come on then son." and off they went. All this 'step' business is for numpties apparently!

AC talked to me the other day about how lucky he was to have a normal Father, and R, who is more like a Daddy. And apparently the best Mummy in the World!

They had each other, in the way they wanted each other. As family, straightforward, together, loving each other. Blood wasn't important to them, they love each other and always will.




Bloody hell I miss him.

At peace?

I've had another lovely email from one of the Random Aunts.

It would appear that none of the ones I've spoken to as yet approve of the behaviour of certain people following the Celebration, and that knocks massive holes in the ideas and arguments that were presented as justification for the actions he took.

And yes, I know I'm being obtuse. I have to be probably, although to be honest, can I be hurt any more? I doubt it.

I had post today for Rich. I phoned them. It's a bill. I told them the situation, and I expect it'll end up with the She-Ex. She's claiming next of kin, so there is nothing I can do about it, except that. It's not pleasant, but it's the legal thing. I've still not heard from her about what "things" she wants for BG, aside from the fact she wants "things" so as I had decided that the end of September was the deadline, that's passed now, so..... I'll choose. I can't see what else I can do.

It's peaceful to have come to that decision though. I accept the situation as it stands today, and that's a nice feeling. I know that no one can touch the house, me, AC, the things in the house, anything. I am the Queen of my Castle, and I choose who enters my domain. That's cool.

I have a list of things that are to be dumped into SEP fields, like that bill from earlier.

I have letters prepared, and it will all be fine.

He promised me that it would all be fine, and I believe him. Each night I go to bed, and my heart aches. I send my goodnight texts to the people that it has become habit to send them to. We establish what kind of day it has been, and on a hard day I phone someone in my support network, otherwise known as Proper Friends, and we chat.

I'm so lucky. I have friends who can see past my grief, and remember the person I was before this, and who talk to me like I was that person. We chat about their kids, their husbands, their boyfriends (no-one has both!) their home lives, their jobs, their worlds, just like we always did. I've grown closer to some friends, which is amazingly lovely. I have friends who I have been there for in the past, through thick and thin, and here they are, standing for me, through thick, and thin.

I think, that is some of the reason why I can be at peace. I have such love surrounding me, from friends, family, church, and of course, the amazing love of God, who holds Rich, our babies, and our eternal future safely until I get there and can be part of it.

Lots of peace, less pieces.