Last year Rich was outside now, just home from Afghanistan.
This year, I really thought tonight I would feel the time to let him go, was now. And it isn't. He's around, tonight, close and loving. Like Aslan, he is not a tame lion. He came to me at the right time for him, and he'll go from me at the right time for him. Knowing him, and how much he loves me, he'll be waiting to know I'm happy again. He's like that. He loves me that much.
I am so incredibly lucky.
Today went from one extreme to the other.
But by the end of it, we had made stained glass windows (coloured tracing paper!) decorated our beautiful real tree with dried oranges we made this morning, and herb bundles (cinnamon, rosemary, lavendar and thyme) and plain white lights. The new nativity is laid out beneath it, and tomorrow we'll add to it with more things we'll make.
It is so nice to finally spend some loving time with my son, emotionally being whatever we are, physically being whatever we are, and loving each other all the way. He's a good, good boy, and so well behaved. Sometimes he plays up - but that's normal and there's always a reason, never just malice.
I love him.
I love Rich.
Rich loves us both.