Thursday, January 29, 2009

Quiet times and thinking

The time has come to just sit down for a moment.


I've been looking forward to just sitting down, with my laptop on my lap, and just thinking and writing and letting it all out. And now I've come to do it, I have nothing to write. The world around me is quiet. The Adorable Child is asleep in bed, the Man is on guard duty, and I am sat here, looking at a pile of SATs papers, at the untidy house, at the washing that needs folding, and the food that needs removing from the cray tank and just not doing any of it.


I enjoy quiet times like this, and now I've got better at touch typing I like to just sit, with my eyes shut, and let the words out. And the word tonight is missing.


I miss my Man. I know he's back tomorrow morning, but there will be 7 nights without him.

I miss my son at the weekends when he goes to the He-Ex. I'm proud of the relationship I have forced his father to develop with him, when he just wanted to walk away from his son, but I hate the way I have to give my son up at the weekend. I know it's only one night. It's only Friday night, and it's nothing like the Man goes through with the One-Day-She-Ex, but he's my bundle, and I miss him.

I miss being pregnant. I haven't been officially pregnant for a long time, but tonight I really miss it. Weird.

I miss not missing Uni. For a long time there were things that I would have gone back to at the drop of a hat. Uni. The Morpheus Project. Steve. Pete. Rob. Steve. Always Steve. And I don't miss that any more. It's weird not missing that. It's weird that now is the right time to move on from all that, over 10 years after I left.

I guess what it means is that I am slowly coming used to the idea of being contented and happy with the way that life is. I love my life, and now I feel like it's ok to love it. Like the Man and I can relax into being ourselves. Neither of us were sure that this would not just be a rebound thing, but after 3 years and the things we've been through, it's clear that we are settling in together, we are so sure of ourselves now. Neither of us want to say it and bitch it, but it is good.


This blog (being written in word) is formatting itself.





In a weird way I'm missing the She-ex as well. We used to have long conversations on MSN about the Beautiful Girl and how she was doing and all that stuff. Now she isn't talking to me again, which is such a blessing, but also means we know next to nothing about the BG's life. If the Man asks, he gets a "wonderful. Awesome" (the word thing put the punctuation in – she doesn't!) and that tells us nothing.

I'm submitting this now, and making tea, and sorting the washing machine out.

Back later.

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