Sunday, May 10, 2009

And. So. But.


I'm going to watch Secret Millionaire. I like Secret Millionaire.

Food parcels. Starving Dundoinians? Dundeenians? People who live in Dundee. Starving. No food for a week, type starving.

This is such a drfiting post. That should say drifting. It's a drifting post. I'm in a drifting frame of mind.

So I'm turning off my brain and just letting it flow.

It's not like I don't have reasons to be cheerful. I have several, lots and buckets of them. I have a gorgeous son, who loves me, misses me, wants me around in his life for ever and ever and ever. I have a wonderful man who buys me flowers randomly, who celebrates the joy of my life and holds my hand in the dark times, who is my defense as well as my support. How does he manage that? I have a fabulous extended family who cherish my family, who loved to be cherished in return, who love and laugh and play together. I have a job I love, with children who need me, with colleagues who are mostly great and even the not great ones aren't so bad. I have a good house, a good income, a good everything.

So why so floaty?

I don't know. Maybe it's tv, too much of it.

Maybe it's reports and so on that need doing.

Maybe it's the house that is so much better, but still needs so much doing.

Maybe maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe baby. (Was that a song?) Who knows.

I've just sat here for 5 minutes. Doing nothing, hearing nothing, being nothing. Existing in a bubble of my own emptyness. I feel like I'm poking the emptyness, and I know what I will find. I don't want to poke it too hard, because I don't want to open it, I just want to leave it all be. And there we go.

Is it best to poke stuff until you "work it out" "work through the pain" "embrace the problem"? Or is it the better idea to "box it in" "let it go" "let time be a great healer"?

Who knows.

Maybe, who cares.

You know what though? I know R cares. I know that tonight we will go to bed and he will hold me and we will talk in the darkness and we will make it better, between us, even if it's just me talking and him listening, or the other way around. He will hold me, and his breath will fall on my neck, his arms will draw me into him, his legs will wrap around mine, and he will whisper that he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, that I am special and he's proud of me, and whatever happens he loves me, however I am, or I look, or I feel or whatever. Anything.

That is a truly amazing thing. It is a miracle. It is something I do not deserve, that I was not looking for, that I never expected to find. I had expected it to be the AC and I for the rest of our days, (well, not his, obviously) but I had expected it to be work and the boy and that would be that. To wake up in the morning and see R, is something that enthralls me, even now.

And now I'm smiling. Because he doesn't know I'm writing this. He doesn't know that I'm sitting here, feeling so deeply loved and in love that it almost hurts. I love him, my bear of a man. I love him, I need him, I want him, I desire him, I love him.

He makes me smile, inside.

I am so lucky.

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