2 hours later

And I haven't actually stopped crying yet.

My head is throbbing, my face is sore from tissues, my shirt is wet, my eyes are itchy, my nose is blocked.

And I still cry.

I can't stop.

I can't stop.

I don't understand why he is gone, and I can't stop. There is an ache inside of me that I cannot describe, like a lump, like a cancer eating me, like a band around my lungs to stop me breathing.

I feel like a 6 year old, wanting to shout "It's not fair." Like that would make it better, like someone would say "You know what? You're right, but I can fix that."

It's not fair that after everything we've both been through, it all gets swept away like that. It's not fair that after everything the AC has gone through, he loses the man he loves and respects. It's not fair that after the lies we both lived with for all that time, that the one relationship we have that's worth anything is destroyed.

I want our old life back. I want him sat with me, I want him here. I want our life back. I want our hopes and dreams and plans back. I want him here. I just want him here.

I cannot do this without him, and yet because he is not here, I have to do it. And if he was here, I wouldn't need to do it anyway.

I don't think all that even made sense.

So I'm going to bed. I have good friends I can call, or text. I don't want to be a burden to anyone though. SiM said to me tonight that it is ok to break, to cut myself a little slack, to not be seen as coping.

And I'm not. I'm not coping tonight.

So there you go world, now you know.