Friday, August 7, 2009

I wish...

.... Richard was still alive Mummy, because he made good quests."

The AC is struggling today.

To some extent, I am glad that the BG didn't know her Daddy properly in the last 4 years, that she hadn't been allowed to maintain a proper relationship, that her mother did choose to take her so far away, because that little girl doesn't have the immediate everyday hurt that the little boy on the floor playing Descent does. She isn't expecting a story in the evening, or looking up everytime a bike pulls into the layby. She doesn't think about what he would like for tea. She doesn't call him for help in wrestling games and then realise that he will never come. She has her own hurts, from a distance, and I am so sorry for those hurts, but I am glad that they are different to what the AC has, because his heart is broken.

I did the blog for her on Tuesday, and I have no idea what she thinks, how she's doing. I know she's back to school on Friday, and I hope that she does well, that this isn't used as some reason why she isn't reading properly yet. I worry so much about that little poppet, and I love her, and I refuse to turn it off.

When we talked about getting married, Rich asked me to make sure to look after the BG if anything happened to him. He said he knew he didn't have to ask me, because he knew I loved he, but it needed to be said out loud. And I promised I would.

Strange how things turn out.

But I love him, I trust him, and I know that whatever reason he had for leaving things the way he did, he did it for a good reason, and one that was the best reason for the AC, the BG and I. He knew he could depend on me to look after the AC.

I know he loves us, he told us on the day he died. We were so lucky.

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