Sunday, October 25, 2009

So tired!

It's only 2212 and I am so tired tonight I am about to head to bed.

Tomorrow is set to be a hectic day, with a driving lesson, AC due to go to his fathers, AB coming up to visit before he heads out, and so on. It'll be an early start, I know, and so it makes sense to go to bed now really.

Last night I was on the phone til midnight, and then SiM phoned at 2am, having a bit of a crisis that he needed to talk over with someone. He felt he could call me, anytime. I'm glad he did. There's never going to be an issue with anyone calling me at that time in the morning if they have a real problem, like he did. It just means I had about 3 hours sleep, and that wasn't in one lump!

Today was good though, in that we went to church, then it was a special lunch afterwards, I placed my Traidcraft order, then we went to see Ellen and Thomas on the way home, which was lovely. AC was beautifully behaved, even through the talk after the lunch, and a couple of people thought we had gone home, he was so good. He was drawing mostly. Technically accurate pictures of rifles, pistols, and GPMG's. He's really quite good at them.

He's ok tonight to get to bed. He's so sad sometimes, and in a raw moment his love for Rich and how much he misses him just blazes out through his eyes. There are moments when neither of us can believe that he is really gone, forever. That he won't just walk in. That is, apparently, not unusual at this stage of grief. The adrenalin based things are over, the Celebration and so on, and whilst there is still the inquest to go through, this is just the way it is.

Our futures, have massive holes in them. We lived with the BG sized hole in our lives, so I know that we can live with this one. Neither she or Rich chose to leave, neither of them chose to hurt those around them, and leave such massive holes, their choices were made for them, one by fate, and BG's by her mother. I cannot imagine how BG or her mother feel at the moment. I know that I would be feeling such guilt in the She-Ex's place, knowing that I was the reason BG had been robbed of a real relationship with her father, and I feel so sorry for her that she is the cause of that and now, she will be for eternity. She could have stayed here, they could have had a relationship for the last 4 years, and she chose for that not to happen. I can't imagine how that feels now, or how it will feel in years to come when BG realised exactly what did happen, and why.

But this, this is 100 days without him.


All AC and I want, is for him to come home. He won't, he can't, and we can't even go to him, because we don't know where he is, not really. Will we ever know? I have no idea. Does it matter? Sometimes.

However, we have things that we need to do, which will be done at the right time. We were denied the chance to do them properly by the anger and guilt of those who didn't know him properly any more, and that's ok. I am still trying to understand, and I'll get there if I keep trying. I don't feel any anger towards the perpetrators, just sadness that their lives are that way.

But now it is bedtime. For the 101st time I will get into bed, knowing he won't be getting in in an hour, or a few days, or a week, or a couple of months, but never. That's the hardest time. But for him, when he died, it was almost 1400 days since his world was ripped apart and he and BG never saw each other again. How many goodnight kisses, stories, games and conversations that AC had with him, that he should have had with BG as well?

However, it is a huge comfort to look at that number, and think that he has been gone for 101 nights now, but we had a 1001 at least together. We didn't have every night - he served away in so many different guises, but even when he was away he tried to get in contact any way that he could.

So I don't know an exact number, I could work it out if I was that anally retentive, but the romantic in me loves the idea of a thousand and one nights.

1001 "goodnight my darling"s. 1001 cuddles and hand holdings and lovings. So much good stuff, from a man who loves me unconditionally, who loves the children unconditionally, and who always will.

Amazing, and sending me to bed on a much less maudlin note.

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