Saturday, November 14, 2009

And so to bed

It's the end of another Saturday night.

Tonight I laughed, joked, and played. Bob remarked on it. "What have you done with Sarah? This is not our Sarah!"

The last few weeks have been so hard. I have almost slipped into a dark place so often, but I will not. I refuse.

Some people do not have that option - depression takes them. I won't let it take me, I know the signs of it too well, and I will fight it off at every given opportunity. And if I'm not given an opportunity, I'll make one. Ha!

I know it's serious. I know it's out there, or in me, or wherever. But I have a gorgeous son, and so much to be thankful for! I'm happy in myself, I like my physical being, my mental being and my spiritual being. I have my own place, I'm not reliant on anyone, I have money to make the ends meet and a little over, I have a proper job, with prospects if I want them, and it's ok if I don't.

I have a Joe, and a Kevin, and a Dave, who are all lovely parts of the menagerie, and I have the fish to watch, the guineapig to care for.

I can sew, bake, write and make people feel loved and cared for.

I have a lot of good stuff going on.

I also know I have chaps out there, biding their time, waiting for me to look interested in that side of life again. Blokes who are kind, understanding, and decent men, who would make good father figures for the AC and good partners for me. How do I know they are decent chaps? Because they are not pressuring, not asking, not doing anything other than being there for me, whenever I need them, listening, understanding, caring about my son and I. A couple have mentioned being interested in something more, when *I'm* ready, not before, and if I'm never ready, then they'll still be here.

That's a true friend. I may never be ready. I may never want another man again. I don't at the moment - after all, when you've had steak it takes a while to go back to burgers, if you see what I mean!

Rich loves me so intensely, so completely, so wonderfully, so amazingly, that that is a hell of an act to follow. He told me I made him the happiest he'd ever been, and I made his life the best it had ever been. He said the difference was I was honest and I loved him just as he was. No-one had done that for him before. Other people had always lied to him, or cheated, and tried to make him something he wasn't. I was honest with him from the start of us, and right to the end of us on this plane of existence.

And so to bed. Loved, warm, happy, content with my lot as it is. Yes, I'd have him back in a millisecond if I could, but I can't, so aside from that, I am content.


1 comment:

Chef Penny said...

So good to hear hope in your voice again. I know you miss him and would have him back in a millisecond but you are doing a phenomenal job dealing with the hand that you have been dealt. God is good all the time!