Saturday, February 20, 2010

We returned.

I'll write more about the week later on, but, we're back.

My mind is clearer on so many points, from talking with the boys.  They have helped me to see where I am not responsible for the bad stuff (BG's future, mainly) and where I have achieved with the good stuff.  AC has been able to fit in with everyone, showing what an adaptable, mature child he is, and he has had a blast.  Pete said that if they didn't know Rich was dead, that they would have thought he was still alive from the way that AC talks about him all the time.  He knows it's ok to talk about Rich, and that's a solid step for a child.  It shows he has confidence in his surroundings, in the people that he meets, and so on.

My body is clearer on many points as well.  Whilst it is still flicking towards 140lbs (10st) I have come to realise that that is ok.  That it is time to let my body go where it wants to, and trust in it.  I know it will never let me get horrendously fat and never let me just not take care of myself.  I know I scrub up well, and I know that the boys thought I had the same figure now as I did when I was 18 - and in a good way lol!  Pregnancy and long term breast feeding have left me in pretty good shape, and I can be proud of myself in a way that I was when Rich was alive.

My romantic life is clearer on so many points as well.  I've made it clear to all interested parties that right now, AC and I are not ready for anything.  That it is flattering, that they, particularly one of them, is a wonderful person, who I would love to have in my life, but right now, its not going to happen.  AC and I don't need anyone else except Rich and each other right now, and until we can work through that, and we will, then we will be focusing on each other.

My future life is clearer.  I have applied for my post-grad, I know what I'm going to do, how I'm going to fit it all in, and so on.  It's coming together.

My home is clearer - the utility is painted, I am slowly removing things that we were keeping for BG to a special place upstairs, the kitchen was only 10 mins from almost immaculate, I've cleared the top of the cabinet and so on.

My mourning is clearer.  We have set in place what will happen at the end of the Year of Firsts.  It will happen, it will be beautiful, and will only have those who truly loved Rich there.  No one will steal it from us, or try and overtake it with their own grief based on the loss of the time they could have had with Rich, but he will be released by those that loved him as he was, as a good father to AC and as good as he could be (with her taken so far away) to BG, as a proud member of the RAF, and as a wonderful lover, friend and partner.

And now, a cup of tea. (yes, some things never change!)

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