I don't remember a lot of last year. Or early this year.
Tomorrow it's a new year. Tomorrow it's 2011. Tomorrow I can no longer say that Rich was killed last year. It's a further distancing from the Event. It is 76 weeks today. Time is passing.
Is time healing?
I don't know. In some ways, yes it is. It is easier to go about my daily task as the numbness settles in to stay about it all. I can talk about him without crying, I can listen to our music without a complete snot-fest, I still find going to the KSW dojo really, really, hard, but I can do it now, where I couldn't before.
I have moved to a new relationship - J and I are happier by the day, AC and he are deeply enjoying being around each other and as a family we are good together. I could not have imagined that at this point last year. I've just looked and I can see the shiny front I was putting up, and the cracks that were all over it that my loving friends either ignored for as long as I wanted them too, or filled in with tea and biscuits and hugs until they were whole again.
I have forgiven I-t-B for his behaviour. He took Rich's ashes and fled to where he lives, despite having told me the afternoon before we would collect them together and dispose of them together. He then left on holiday for a while, abandoning the ashes in his house. On his return, he scattered them somewhere. He said it was Glastonbury Tor, something which made me laugh in a way, as Rich disliked Glastonbury
More later. I feel a review of the year coming on..... Well. As much of it as I can remember!