Day 18 - a picture of your biggest insecurity.

I don't know.

I'm going to write this and see where it leads in a flow of consciousness style.

My biggest insecurity isn't my body. Yes, it's a little larger than I like at the moment, and I can feel it and I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do until i can exercise again. I'm not physically orientated in anything in that way. I like a man because of who he is, not because of how he looks. I like children for who they are. I trust everyone initially, and then if they lose that trust, then that's it. I can be judgemental, axnd I struggle to forgive people. It has to be something major to get me wound up, like claiming things that aren't yours or taking the man I am mourning and scattering his ashes without me or the AC, or lying. I'm bad at forgiving lying.

I've never been insecure about my body in terms of men either. They can like me for who I am or get knotted! I like having a man in my life, but it's not an essential, just high up on the list. There were at least 5 candidates before J, but I wasn't in the right place in my head. They weren't right for AC and I. I have always thought that it is the lack of neediness that means I have never had to be alone unless I chose to be. I'm also not insecure about my bedroom abilities! I know what men like in a generic sense, and i know how to adapt it for different people. Rich enjoyed the fact I wasn't like a sack of potatoes, that I enjoyed it, and I think it is the lack of insecurity than enables me to enjoy being naked and intimate. The list of partners isn't very long, and certainly longer than I would have wished it to be if my happy ever after plans had worked out the first time, but I've never had a complaint yet...... That makes a difference to how a girl feels I think.

Traditionally people are insecure about their jobs - I'm not. I have job security, and I'm good at what I do. I don't do the paperwork side of it so well, but that's life. It doesn't bother me that I don't. I love it, it's not just a job, it's a way of life.

People get insecure about the way they raise children. I did when he was ill and a baby, but now I don't. He is a fine lad, academically above average, confident, articulate, kind, loving, understanding, helpful, able to get on with adults as well as children, confident to try new things and not worry if he can't get them right straight away, and able to express his thoughts and feelings because he has always been encouraged to. We've always talked about everything, and he has always been at the forefront of my mind, but not the centre of my world, because spoiled children are at risk of becoming brats! Rich was initially one of the most rude about the way that I raised thte AC, as was Lori, but then he saw a how it worked, and how much hard work it is not just to stick your child in front of the tv, and how much fun it is to actually interact with your child properly, and he wished that things hadd been different for the BG. She wasn't gone then, and we had some wonderful afternoons together once he'd learnt that.

What else do people get insecure about?

I don't know. Maybe it's just today that I feel ok. Maybe yesterday or tomorrow I would have answered this differently. Maybe, like most other things in my life, it's the death of Rich that has changed my view of the world and insecurity just isn't worth my time.

I don't know.

I'll think about this some more!