Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Sleep is for the weak!

Last night was a night when my body decided that sleep was for the week.

I've been awake, off and on, since about 1am.

Amongst the topics of thought (I nearly said conversation, but hmmmm.  Better not lol!)

* what I will put in my letter to I-t-B
* if I will write said letter.
* what I will put in the blog posts to BG
* what I will leave out in the blog posts to BG
* why I haven't done any degree work recently.
* how much skip hire will be
* how much the Wedding of the Century will be
* how gorgeous my friend is going to look when she gets married
* getting married
* proposals
* what happened to Julian, and Steve, and Mark, and Other Nameless People from my past.
* whether I really want to find out.
* what kind of camper we will have

and so on.

There were others.


Two main others.

Babies and Rich.  Rich and babies.

That came off of the "What do I tell BG" thought stream.

The difficulty is that she is 9 now, but may not be allowed to read the blog until she is much much older.   That would mean that adult topics would be ok.  But if she's reading now, then they are not.  And the style of writing would be different.  Although I found a comment on there that apparently they are reading it. Hmmm.  They?  Or just her mother?  

Oh, the agonising! LOL!

I want to do the right thing.  I want BG to have access to lots of stories about her Daddy, but without giving her mother the chance to bitch and say "It wasn't like that!" when it was.  I won't badmouth her mother on there, I don't need to, and I don't want to.  My opinions of her mothers "style of parenting" are that it is different to mine, and that's ok.

I wonder what she wants to know?  But then I can't find that out without emailing her mother, and I haven't heard from her in so long now that I don't want to rock that boat all over again.

Any ideas?  Any one else out there need to write a blog for the child of the dead man that they love but who wasn't allowed (by her mummy's actions) to see her Daddy for the last 4 years of his life?  No?  Just me then?


More tea I think.  Tea and fresh baked sunflower bread crust with mushed banana on it. Nummy.

And more sleep tonight.


Anonymous said...

I understand your concerns about having a blog of this nature. I suspect that your step-daughter will ask many questions eventually anyway, and chances are she will get in touch with you. She is bound to want to know her father and if her mother isn't telling her then you will be her next port of call.

Take care,
CJ xx

Not a notting Hill Mum said...

Sounds incredibly complicated - but how lovely that you want to keep in touch with her and continue that bond - despite the difficulties. I'm sure it will all come good when she is older and she finds out. I think you have to blog for yourself - but maybe keep a separate little online book just for her of stories about her dad - or copy the relevant posts from your main blog into a new space for her - now or when's she's older x

Chef Penny said...

((((hugs)))). Write from the heart and let God lead you. I suspect there will be lots of tea and crying involved. Wished I lived closer so I could just hug you.