Solstice

Today is the solstice.

Or yesterday.

I think it depends what you think.  Anyway, it was today for us.

Carefully, I did nothing, except write on his FB wall. 

Nothing except suddenly hear J telling people at his work how careful and thrifty and fabulous I am in the kitchen.  About how the custard and cake I had taken to his work woul dbe the first thing he's had out of a tin in months.  About how good my cooking is.

It was so.... affirming, I suppose.  I love that he respects what I do, and loves me.

I'm so lucky I can be in this place again in my life, differently, but with a wonderful man who cherishes me.

I still cry, randomly, for the life I should have had, for the children I should have had, for the relationship with BG that I should have had.  I know I won't hear anything about the advent calendar I sent this year.  (If I knew it was getting there then I'd put something in it for her to buy herself a present, I have no idea what a 9 year old girl wants lol!)

The AC is checking the curtains every 5 minutes to see if J is home.  This is a really random post.  I can't get my feelings onto paper at the moment.  It's like a physical blockage in my arms or something, like I'm choking in my nerves.

Well, now I sound like a fruit loop.

More sleep is probably in order, and maybe some relaxing!  I'll try again later.