I don't know how I feel at the moment.
Last night, the boychild and I were on Look East (regional News programme) and it was so good to be able to get the shout out about Scotty's, and about what it has done for the AC and I. We were interviewed whilst we were staying at the lodge, and we met Alex Dunlop, who brought his cameraman and who was so lovely and understanding. They interviewed the AC about life after Rich. They interviewed me about carrying on. It was awesome, and it's available on iPlayer. But always, always, there is the knowledge that yes, all of this is awesome, and AC doing fencing/archery/targetshooting/swimming/aquajets/seeingseals amongst the other stuff whilst staying at a £1k a week lodge for nothing is awesome and I am so grateful it's untrue, but there is always the knowledge that we can do this because Rich died.
We came back from the lodge on the Friday, and the Sunday was the anniversary of his Celebrations. It's been a weird anniversary time so far - unlike other years I made it through the 17th without crying. I made it through the end of term without crying. I made up for it on the anniversary of his Celebrations and cried like a tsunami was coming out of my eyeballs.
Seriously. They almost had to launch lifeboats.
(Ok, maybe not lifeboats.)
It struck me just how weird grief is. How I thought I had a handle on it this year, and how it has changed again. There has been no public grief this year, (unless you count almost crying on Look East in front of half a million people) but the private grief has been immense and sudden and then gone again as swiftly as it arrived. It has come in waves - rather like my tsunami analogy - which was supposed to be joking and actually is very accurate.
In other news, it is, at last, the holidays! I shall post about what we are up to and so on, but I wanted to get this post out of my fingers.