This morning I logged into Goodreads. I don't usually. I wasn't aware I had an account, but I was looking for a quote about something which I have now forgotten, and the goodreads quotes came up so I clicked there and low and behold it logged me in via facebook.
As I say, I wasn't aware I had an account!
I do. And I have 3 bookshelves of reading, read and favourites.
They were all entered in January 2010, at the very end of the month. I looked back at this blog to see what I was doing then. January was a long month.
I was starting my first new year without Rich. I was saying "Last year" for when he was killed. I hadn't met J properly although we'd gone bowling with the armourers in December. I was chatting to AB who had expressed his intentions and who's intentions I had politely declined. I wasn't ready. I had norovirus on my birthday. (yeah, proper grim norovirus! The school shut and everything!) I knew all of this.
I didn't know I'd been to BETT10 with my brother.
I didn't know I'd gone to my sister's for the annual post Christmas get together.
I didn't know that the AC was being offered play therapy by the local children's pysch unit.
I didn't know that the AC was the centre of my world in quite the way he was.
I didn't know that was when the new head teacher started at school.
I should know these things, shouldn't I? They shouldn't have just dropped out of my mind. But I read them like something new. Like reading someone elses blog.
The idea that I should look at it as someone elses blog opened my eyes.
I didn't know that I could be so eloquent in grief. (though I probably says it as shouldn't)
I didn't know my own words, looked at just over 4 years later, could reduce me to tears on a Wednesday morning.
I didn't realise how much I loved, and needed and missed Rich. I still don't know how I got through that.
Today? Today is J's birthday, today is the day after all of the parents evenings although I still have 4 parents to see who couldn't make it to the 5 hours of parents evenings we had available. I have overtired children in class, an overtired child of my own upstairs, and presents still to wrap for J.
I am a terrible fiancée and mother lol, but reading through that month, I am a bit prouder of myself today. I didn't take the easy options, I took the right ones.
My own words, for Wednesday, have bolstered me up. Hurrah!
The usual Wednesday linky is here. Check out other Wednesday word people!
1 comment:
I hope J had a lovely birthday.
I'm glad you could be reminded of those forgotten memories and be moved by your own words.
To be eloquent in grief is not a bad thing, it's a very strong and inspiring thing, that you should be proud of. You have come so far.
Thanks for such an honest post for #WednesdayWords xx
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