I don't know quite what to do.
So I'm blogging.
Today has been a good day.
Claire and E came round and AC and E went off upstairs and played and we chatted and life was good. There was home made banana bread, and warm choc-chip shortbread, and plenty of tea. We talked about homework and school and schemes of work and colouring and children-who-eat-things-that-they-shouldn't and bumped heads and A&E and and and lots!
Then the AC and went on WoW and started his hunter, because he and R are going to be able to run together this weekend. AC was loving it, because he can, almost, if it wasn't for parental concerns over e-safety and the fact he is not-yet-6-but-it-is-almost-7-weeks-til-my-birthday, he can do WoW by himself. He can read enough now, think enough now, and follow Carbonite arrows enough now to do this thing himself. And all he wants to do? He wants to get a character good enough to run with R's character.
Again, with the wanting to be R! It's gorgeous and lovely and totally validates my choice of father figure for the AC, but shouldn't he be wanting to be like Daddy? According to the AC, he loves them both. Some days he likes Daddy more. Some days he likes R more. That's cool.
All I ever said to the AC was that he didn't have to love anyone, he didn't even have to like anyone, he just had to be polite. It was a long road to last summer, when the AC and R suddenly found each other in a way that was better than I had dreamed of. That was when I had to start censoring pictures, so that they didn't upset the She-Ex and the BG. I chose the ones that were less loving, less caring looks in each others eyes. I chose the ones that were practical jokes, that were playing, not the ones that were cuddling and taking care of each other and just enjoying being with each other. I still do that.
It matters to me that she thinks her Daddy is the best Daddy in the world. It matters to me that the AC thinks his Daddy is the best Daddy in the world, because every child should be able to think that of their Daddy. Every child has the right to look up to their Daddy as someone who could stop the world if they chose. Every Daddy has the responsibility to be that man, to be the man who could pluck the moon down, but chooses to leave it where it is, who knows the answers to every question but wants you to use your own brain, who can fix the car, bake a pizza and plaster a bumped knee all at the same time and still make you smile by telling you that you smell the most.
And the BG's Daddy can do all those things, and does do those things, and is an amazing role model and man in our sons life. Because that's how I see the AC, as our son. It's how the world sees them - less than 2 months ago a comment was made at school about how much the AC looks like his Daddy. Except the lady concerned had never seen the AC's father, only R. Even R and AC have stopped correcting people who refer to them as belonging to each other.
So it's all gone well. This is one less thing for me to worry about now. They have a relationship that is wonderful and a joy. AC gets discipline and love and jokes and listened to in the measures that he needs.
I get peace of mind, and a warmth and a joy from seeing them together, from hearing the AC ask when R is home, because he loves him and wants him home, although knowing that he wouldn't dream of telling R that he loves him. That's not what boys do Mummy.
Everyones a winner........ aren't they? Almost.
And this post was supposed to be about our day, about pancakes for lunch and chicken and rice for tea, about playing Top Trumps and watching World of Quest and random niceness from the She-Ex again.
Instead, it's very thankful, quite introspective of our family, and just a bit wistful.