Wednesday, May 6, 2009

In despair?

I should be working.

I'd rather be sewing.

Instead, I'm sitting in the peace and quiet and in despair.

My job is a teacher. I specialise in children with ASD, but I mainly teach those children who find it hard to learn to read or do maths or whatever. If they find it hard, we work together to find a way to make it make sense. It's what I do. It's my job.

It's not a hobby, it's something I've trained to do. It's not a passing fancy, we've been discussing me changing jobs for a while, but we always end up with me where I am. It's part of who I am - I like to make a difference, I like to see the lightbulbs go on, I like opening up a whole new world for children, which is what happens when they learn to read.

I am trained. I have resources coming out of my ears. I have given advice to parents, professionals, had my ideas taken on at county level and research studies done using them.

Yet for one little girl, I can do nothing.

Without all the facts, I can do nothing for her.
Without knowing the way she reads, reacts to books, reacts to learning, reacts to anything, I can do nothing.
Without looking in her eyes when she picks up a book she has never seen and wants to read, there is nothing I can do.
I need to see her, hear the falters, encourage her, play games with her, watch her and listen to her and spend time with her.

If I could do those things, I *know* I could help her. It's my job, my purpose. I teach, and she needs teaching.

And yet I can't do any of that. Any ideas I have offered in the past have been "stupid" and any help dismissed as my trying to be perfect. Yes, I'm talking about BG.

I love her, and I can't help her.


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