Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's hard...

... to sum up my feelings over the last two days.

I have utter peace about the way he died, the way I know he didn't suffer. I know most of his injuries, and I know for a FACT that he is better this way. I know he didn't feel anything, that he died secure in our love for him and his for us.

I have complete faith in the RAF. The way that the Armourers have behaved today, the tributes and stories that were told, the way the AC was looked after, indulged, and loved by these big strong men, the way I was never alone, that even when I'd left the AC with one of them, and my parents were somewhere else, there was one just watching me from a little way away, to make sure I was ok. Not interfering, just caring.

I am satisfied with what I have done for Rich. I have fulfilled my duties to him from the commitments we made to each other all that time ago. I have done the things I had to do, and I am glad for the strength he gave me to do those things. He had faith in me that I would do it, and I have.

I am happy with the plans for the Celebration. It will be a fitting tribute to him. I have no idea how many people there will be, I know of about 20 who are sorry not to make it, I know of other memorials going on at later dates, I know of things being made in his honour, of cups being dedicated, and all of those things will keep him alive in the minds of others. He will always be alive in the AC and I.

I am confident in his legacy in our family. Watching my son throw himself behind a JPMG today and assume the position made my heart melt. If he chooses to join at a later date, I will never stand in his way. He asked me if Rich is proud of him today, and I was able to tell him with a glad heart, yes my darling, yes indeed.

I am secure in our love. Today we went past the place where it happened, and I cried for him, and I heard him again say he loves me, in the way he used to tell me a dozen times a day, because he liked the way I smiled when he said it.

There are sad feelings, negative feelings, lonely and hopeless feelings, but they don't stay for long, because I am surrounded by love, support, caring and understanding.

AC and I are so lucky.

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