I'm just sitting here.

There isn't even a title for this blog. I am a sack of nothing, sat in the dark, lit by a screen, listening to the animals moving around me. My house smells of lavender, rosemary and thyme.

Lavender for love and devotion, because we love each other and he was so devoted to us and our family. He still is, in a more ethereal way, and I know he'll not leave us. I felt him today, in the storming wind, as I stood in the silent part, feeling the wind and rain blow around me and not on me, not through me, not near me. He protects me still, as he always said he would.

Rosemary is for rememberance. There was so much he remembered, so much he wanted to forget, so much that he kept remembering even though it hurt him, so much that he wanted to leave behind. There is so much that we remember, so much that we have, so much that we love.

Thyme is for daring, for bravery, for fortitude. He was all those things, and more. He loved to serve those around him, for his work, for his home, for the stranger in the street, he braved the deserts, he braved his own pain, he was strong against the demons that raged inside him, until we beat them together, one at a time.

Wrapped in purple, they go with him. Purple for mystery, nobility, mourning and pride. The mystery that was his old life, the mystery that was the gaps in his life, that slowly he filled in for me as they came up, but really, he didn't need to - neither of us had our old lives with us now, and we were happy for them to be a mystery and to live in the present. The nobility that was the way he was, the way he lived, the way he loved, not in a kingly way, but with a nobility of spirit, always wanting what was best for those around him, and those further away. The mourning for a life cut short, for the dreams of a family that we wanted, for the house in the woods and the raising of the children. The pride in a life well lived, in a job well done, a bike well ridden, in decisions well made, and in 4 years well loved.

He is my man. I will do my best for him, against all the pressures from outside, because no one knew him like I did.

I love you Rich, and I know you love me too.