I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Not right now.

I can't.

I cannot explain the hole in my person, the perpetual ache, the tears, the horror that is every day life without Rich.

We did everything together, or in the same space. We weren't apart when we could be together - we had so many apart times forced on us by the job, that we took every advantage to be together. We love each other so much, that I know, he's around, he wouldn't leave me.

But right now it's not enough, right now, I want him here, physically here, I want him to hold me and tell me he loves me and tell me I'm his gorgeous sexy darling, to wrap me in his big bear hug, cross his legs over me so he surrounds me totally, and just breathe with me.

Just be with me.

Just

I don't know.

I don't know what else to do, what to say, how to say it, who to say it to. I've written to all the people who wrote such nice letters to us, I've written to the driver to say it's ok - because it wasn't her fault, it wasn't his fault, it was just a weirdoid accident, and sometimes they happen. I've written to the nurse who was there to thank her for trying so hard.

I want to shout and demand he is brought back right now. And I can't. I don't even know where he is scattered. Today that matters, or rather, right now that matters. I know later it will be ok, that I will pack these emotions up in a box and store them carefully until next time they break out, and I will cope and manage and do all the things I do so well, but it hurts.

Like I want to throw up, that kind of physical hurt.

And I feel like I can't do this any more.

But there are no other options. All the other options are, well, stupid and lazy of me.

So I will have a cup of tea, pull myself together, bleach the kitchen, and get on with it.

*sigh*

Need to start sorting out his clothes as well. :-(