There's been a number of Bible verses that have given me great strength in the last 4 weeks.
Today, unbidden, Matthew 5 : 4 came to mind. Maybe it was an email, maybe it was a Facebook thing, I don't know. But today it is this verse.
"Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
It comes after a day which started at 0430 with my son kicking his juice onto the floor and the glass it was in breaking. I got all the glass up, mopped up the juice, remembered not to go and write Rich an e-Bluey about it, and thought about going to sleep.
So I logged on to see what the world was up to.
And it's up to trying to cause grief. There's no other word for it. Why else would someone answer an email 2 days later, and with a hugely antagonistic attitude? Who knows. I surely don't.
It's all going to degenerate into "I wants!" from people now I think. And there's a word I'm looking for....... TOUGH!
LOL. Ok, maybe that's not the word. Maybe the word I want is "Wait".
The AC and I are mourning for Rich, not wallowing in the pseudo-grief that I have seen and heard of, but mourning with a profound, life changing emotion, that is, at the same time, doing that which grief should do - waning, changing, growing a new us.
Waning - the initial impact has almost gone. That's not unreasonable - after all, if I was still making the cow noise at this stage I might need sectioning myself! It would be of no benefit to the AC, of no import to Rich, and be a pain in the rear end for those around me. And besides which, I get all swollen and snotty when I make the cow noise. Really people, it's not attractive!
Changing - so it's changing. Into a long aching emptiness. Into an expecting to see him ness. Into an incredulousness. Into a physical wrench in the stomach that is just *there*. I can live with it, I can function, I can care for my son, chat with my friends, write the church notices, change the bedclothes, cook a meal, do *stuff*. And it is just always there. It's like living with the arthritis that I Officially Do Not Have. The pain is always there, and every now and again it really kicks.
Growing a new us - The AC and I have to go back to being just us. The She-Ex would have it that I was never a single mother like she was, and I won't argue with her. I was single, I was a mother, it was just different, that's all. And now I'm there again, but without my best friend. And that's ok. Our old ok was fabulous, this ok, is just.... ok. We will have fabulous times again, I know, and I will make them happen because something like this can scar a child for life, and I see no reason for that to be Rich's legacy.
So on we go.
We are blessed in our mourning, because we are being comforted - by friends, family, Facebook, Rich and God. We can rest in all of that love, climb up, face the world, and return to it when the world is all too much.
There are many worse ways to grieve, with guilt, anger, pain, lonliness and without a security in where the spirit has gone. We are lucky, the AC and I, in so many ways. We shall be comforted.