This was the first big first, I suppose.
His birthday has come and will soon be gone.
My Facebook, his Facebook, my email, his email, my school life, my texts, are all full of messages. Not of condolence, not of mourning, but of Happy Birthdays, for the big man. I've spent the evening with his online friends, listening, reminiscing, and everyone had a beer, for him. (Well, Vicky had wine, but I had beer for her!) Lots of love there, for the big man.
He was known as the big man by so many people, because he was. Tall, strong, brave, handsome, and so loving, so caring, so special. Big hearted, big living, big loving.
This time last year, we bought him a bag of dice from Chessex, a blue lightsaber (AC's choice), smaller, other dice sets, a book, just stuff really.
But this night last year, was when we decided enough with the contraception, enough with waiting for the divorce that the She-Ex was never going to do, and he lay in bed next to me, and told me he couldn't wait any longer, that he wanted us to be having children. And it wasn't that he just wanted the practice! He got plenty of that! No, it was that he wanted to make me pregnant, to care for me whilst I grew, to be here, in our house, whilst we birthed our baby, and to love him or her and cherish them as they grew older, teaching them all he had taught AC and more. This was the night he held me in his arms, just talking, about everything and nothing, until almost the sun came up.
This is a night I remember with love.
I am so, so lucky, in so many ways.