Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's quiet.

It's Saturday night, and it's quiet.

So quiet.

He's not here to clear up and take me to bed. And so shortly, I shall climb the stairs, on my own, and lie in bed and think of him. Sometimes we chat, sometimes I cry, sometimes I think of other things as well as him.

The AC and I climbed all over Ellie today. We're going to get her fixed up and get her on the road. She's gorgeous.

We made blueberry cake.

I cleaned downstairs.

I cut half square triangles for a quilt.

I cried.

Stuff happened.

Last night, stuff didn't happen, because I-t-B called and we talked for 2 hours. I still think that him taking the ashes the way he did, that scattering them deliberately without me, was mean, cruel and heartless, but I'm starting to understand why he did it the way he did it. After all, he didn't know me, he only knew what the She-Ex had told him, and she told me and he told Rich that it wasn't nice, because she blamed me for the end of their marriage, when in reality, well.... let's not go there.

He was between a rock and a hard place, and he knows what he did. We'll see what happens about it all tomorrow.

Cheltenham should be interesting. There's no formal stuff apparently now, which is a big break down from what he had planned, but he's basically decided it should just be a huge booze up. Rich didn't like that side of his family, that drinking, fighting thing, any more, although he'd done enough of it himself when he was younger.

See, that's the thing. He'd grown up. He was a family man. We were planning a family together, seriously, with *effort* ;-) He didn't want all that rubbish. He wanted a woman who wanted a child with him, who wanted to raise that child with him, who wanted him to be part of that child's life, and to be involved in the pregnancy and the birth and the newborness, and the toddling and all of it. He wanted to know what it felt like to plan it and want it. And he wanted it so hard, so much.

It wasn't as a BG replacement, because we'd got past that a long time ago. It wasn't to replace the ones I'd lost. It wouldn't have been to give the AC a sibling. Our children (he planned on a couple!) would have been in existence simply for their own self.

And now, they won't.

And it's quiet.

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