Sunday, September 20, 2009

Woke up to threats...

... of a kind...

Apparently it had better be the last time I blame her for the end of the marriage. Apparently it was HIS (sic) fault too. (There was no what might happen, just that it had better be...!)

I just read yesterdays blog and I didn't say it was her fault, I said I wasn't going there. So I didn't. Whatever she read into it, her own mind put there herself.

And I wrote back to her, a long email which I knew she won't read or reply to properly, and that's ok. She had a go at me on a day when I'm off to another memorial thing. I thought she might, and she did. But I'd be angry in her position too.

Anyway, what I wrote is here. On the grounds it's my blog, and I can quote myself if I want. I wrote it with tears in my eyes, but no anger. Why would I feel anger towards her? There is just sorrow really. Sorrow and pity.


She-Ex, in my blog, I will write what I like. If you don't like it, don't read it. No one makes you, and let's face it, you've told me several times that you don't read it. I didn't say you were at fault, I said "let's not go there." because I didn't want to. I didn't say it was you, or him, or anyone. There's a lot of things I haven't written on my blog, that I could do, that were reasons why that marriage should have ended, but he wanted to keep it going! He told me so much that first summer that we knew each other, we talked so much about you, your behaviours, his behaviours, BG, how to help all three of you. How you could be a family that worked as a unit. He loved BG so much, that he would have done that, because that situation was what he knew.

And then he realised some things, one of which was that you were determined to go back to the States regardless. He realised what a relationship should be like, and he realised what parenting should be like, and how he could do it and do a really, really good job of being a parent. He was a wonderful stepfather, and fabulous partner, and would have been a fantastic biological father. We planned our family, lying in bed in the dark, talking names, talking birth plans, talking about places we'd go, talking about telling BG, talking about telling AC. He was going to do whatever it took for us to have a child together, because he wanted it so badly with me, not just because I wanted it, but because he wanted it too.

If you don't like that, that's not my problem. It's my blog, I'll write what I like. From my perspective, when one person wants a marriage to continue, and the other one doesn't and leaves the country, then there's only one person who is to blame for the end of the marriage.

You chose not to get divorced and you chose to do that to make him miserable, to prevent us from getting married. You couldn't prevent him Promising himself to me, you couldn't prevent him loving me, wanting me, raising a beautiful and fantastic son in such an active and interesting lifestyle.

You couldn't stop him wanting me to be pregnant, trying to get me there in such exciting ways, wanting to lie beside me feeling the baby move, wanting to read to it each night, watching homebirth things with me, planning our homebirth, and wanting to raise him or her or hopefully them, in such a way as they were active, self-teaching, world loving children. He grieved with me for our family, but we were optimistic that we could do this, and that we would do whatever it took.

You couldn't stop him being so proud of AC when AC first read a whole sentence, then a whole page, then a whole book to him, or when AC called him Daddy accidentally, and *didn't* self correct, or when AC wanted Rich to be there so that AC was protected from something that scared him, or when AC first rode his bike without stabilisers and was only 4. You couldn't stop him teaching AC about flight, parachutes, engines, trees, plants, animals, computer games, woodwork tools, any of those and a thousand things besides. You stopped him doing all that for BG, and you got to keep the piece of paper.

And again, you choose to have a go at me on a day when I am making another journey to remember him. I still have several of these journeys to make, to spend time with his friends, his work colleagues, his family, the people that he liked spending time with. And every time I come home, it's to the house he was building me, the place where we lived, laughed, loved, and brought up a wonderful son together. It's still full of his memories, his things, his life, and his spirit comes and goes as he will.

I will blog it up to BG, so she can know that again, more people gathered to remember her father, because he was a fine man. It'll be interesting to hear stories from his past - I've heard things already that make me believe even more what he told me, which was that with me, he'd never been happier in his life. Even though you did your best to stop that She-Ex, you couldn't. You took BG and used her against us, you shouted, you cursed, you hated, you loved, you refused contact, you wouldn't send pictures, you lied, you were vile to me, you were nasty about AC, and yet he was still the happiest he'd ever been. You tried your very best to break him, and you couldn't break anything that we could not rebuild between us.

If you don't like that She-Ex, then that's not my problem. I know that, when he died, he was happy, that he loves us still, that we love him, and that any guilt for anything is not at my door. I made him happy, gave him the chance to express himself, to be himself. It's what any wife should do, and that's how he saw me. It took work, because cakes don't make themselves, the house doesn't clean itself, finances don't manage themselves, children don't raise themselves, and a future doesn't make itself, but we did it together. One day though, when BG wants to know about her Daddy, I will tell her what he was like with me, and I will tell her the things he wanted to tell her about you and he as a married couple. I won't put you down, because that's not my place, and because through everything you have put me through, I still believe that you are a good person, deep inside. I will answer any question she puts to me, honestly and with love.

So there we go. That was longer than I thought it was going to be, but tbh, you won't read it all, and you won't reply to it properly anyway. I feel better though! If you don't like what's in the blog, don't read it. No one makes you.

I hope BG is doing really well at school, although I will never know the truth of that now, will I. But she is in my prayers every day as are you, and I will always love her.



There was so much more I could add in, and I might do, on here. But yeah. It comes down to the fact that she doesn't like what I write, and yet she still reads it. Why she reads it? I have no idea. It won't stop me writing what I like though, and what I think. If she blogs about me, I don't know, and I don't care tbh.

Anyway, got to do notices!

1 comment:

emeline said...

Sarah is probably going to erase this.

but i am the "she-ex"

I am tired of being the one who is thought of as the bitch, the horrible person, the one who destroyed Richards life.

I'm using names.

My name is Lori Hannis.

you can find me on face book under that name.

I loved richard desperately, still do. I was home sick, something no one ever seems to take in to account.

I had not seen my home in over four years, I wanted to be around people who i loved, I missed my family.

I'm sorry if that's thought of as so wrong.

I'm sorry if what i did was so wrong, but what mother out there could just let their daughter be left behind???

I'm however tired of being the one who is constantly the "she ex" like i'm some disease .

All I ask of Sarah is that she leave me out of her blog, she has no business in my life now, nor I in hers. and as of now I will be forgetting she exists.

I would like the things that would be Rachels to be given to Ian.

the mug that says "worlds greatest father"

I gave that to HIM from HER. that does not belong to Sam.