Easy day?

Today I'm taking the children to the Arts Centre in town to see Arthur and the Invisibles. This afternoon it's my PPA time. I'm going to the bank to sort out a few things. After that it's Spanish, then I'm home to see my sister and make a guineapig shaped cake.

Hectic day? Not really.

I've just been sat here, looking through his wallet. Holding it, and missing him.

And now a day with less thinking in it. This is not a good thing.

*sigh*

No answer from the She-Ex, but I wrote another email last night saying I would phone BG if she would like me to.

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Dear Lori,

I was thinking about this today, and wondering just how much involvement you want BG to have with AC and I. We knew Rich better than anyone at the time that he died, and have lots of things to tell her that never made it to the blog, lots of stories, photos and so on. Obviously I hope that one day she will want to come over and see us, see the places her Daddy loves, and the people, but I know that won't be until she is a lot older.

I still want to do things like send her advent parcel, which was something *I* always did, but I don't want to do it if it's just going to go in the bin, or be a problem for her or you. We will always love her, not because Rich asked me to look after her, but because we always have loved her, regardless of the Promise that he and I made each other.

Financially, things are easing up as we get used to living on one wage again, having rearranged a couple of things and just said "Not our problem!" to several others, so maybe we would be able to phone her sometimes, if she'd like that. I haven't done it, not because I didn't want to talk to her, but because I felt vulnerable and threatened by you at a very painful part of my life. As this event begins to be assimilated into the bigger picture though, it doesn't stop hurting, but the rawness is being absorbed. Yesterday, when AC said he didn't want a jumper to cuddle, he wanted Rich himself, it was painful in the extreme, but I could manage it until I was alone to cry for a while, and that's what lets me believe I am strong enough now to cope with whatever you say again, which I wasn't for a while. You swearing at me on the day of Churchdown was incredibly difficult, but that's a month ago now, and I'm a month stronger, and could deal with that differently now.

Life has changed for AC and I in immeasurable ways that were not of our choosing, but we're coping most of the time now. I-t-B calling BG was supposed to be part of helping her cope, and you haven't really said how she is coping, just that she's doing fine at school, so I'm guessing she's ok. I hope so. If I can be part of helping her cope better, then just say.

Me

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I'll leave it again now. I'm not going to beg. In 13 weeks I've had no photos, no real information about how she is, what she's been up to, nothing like that. But then in the weeks before Rich died there had been nothing either.

This will eat me if I'm not careful, and I love my son and have too much self respect to let it. She's a nice person, deep under the various hurts, and we were waiting for that to get back out on top.

I'll help her if I can, I'll always help BG if I can, but I'm not going to beg.