Monday, October 19, 2009

Sandringham in the cold.

Yesterday AB brought K over for the last time for a while, and we went to Sandringham. We ran in the woods, we played hide and seek, we picnicked, we went on the tractor ride, and to all intents and purposes to outsiders we must have looked like any other family there, mid thirties, taking the kids to the park, 1 boy, 1 girl, (really must get Labrador to complete picture!) and so on.

Looking at AB you wouldn't know what he's going through, and it's not my place to go into it here.

K is too young to understand, but she was having fun.

AC was just running off steam, as he's needed to do for a while. He organised a game of Hide and Seek, climbed trees, was exhausted after crying for 2 hours on Saturday night because he wanted Rich to come home.

And me? I was spending the day missing Rich, missing doing this with Rich, knowing what he would be doing, how we'd be playing, what we'd be saying. I kept being surprised by AB not being Rich, in a way.

I couldn't think without crying yesterday evening, hence no post, and an early night, and today I am fighting off a cold, but damn, I miss him so much.

I also had email from the She-Ex, saying that BG hasn't heard from I-t-B, and what should she do? I replied I would talk to her anytime she wanted, I didn't say I'd phone her, but I would love to if I knew it wouldn't make things worse, I've been wanting to phone her for weeks now, but haven't because I doubted I'd be allowed to speak to her. I can't talk for I-t-B, but I can talk for me. I phoned mum first to see what she thought, and she agreed it was the right thing for me to do.

I am settling into our new life, new routines, new things.

I miss the old one.

But there is Proverbs 17:22 I heard the other day.

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones."

And it drieth the bones of all around it as well. I didn't let the world break my spirit when I was with him and it tried, and I won't let it break me when he's not here.

I love him, he loves me.

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