Tuesday, November 17, 2009

4 months

Today is 4 months and 1 day since I sat here, Rich behind me on the laptop, I was working, and we were just chilling out.

Today is 4 months since I sat here, in tears, having looked into the face of my dead lover, and entered into the darkest time of my life.

He was so cold, so pale.  He was heavy - when I touched him, he was solid, not giving like he usually did.  His flesh was hard, and his eyes were closed.  He had a cut on his left cheek, and he'd bitten through his lip.  He had a mark under his chin from the strap on the helmet.  He was in one of those paper dresses, and covered with a blanket.  I kept trying to tuck the collar of the dress thing down, because he hates things around his neck, but Ian the Policeman kept putting it back.  He told me I couldn't hold his hands, and I knew his legs were bad - he had no tents at the end of them where his feet should be pointing up.  He was so heavy, so very solid and heavy.  I ran my fingers through his hair, and Ian got worried, and I know why now, but at the time I didn't and I didn't find out.  At the time, I knew he was dead, not the details of the horrific injuries he suffered.  I will know on Monday week just how bad they were, but I know enough to know that whilst I might not be better with him dead, he is. 

Today I miss him so much it hurts all over again like the first week, like an aching inside that can never be assuaged, like a physical pain deep inside me.

Today I don't want to hear from anyone, I don't want to know the outside world.  I just want to be left alone.  Because the person I want to be with, can't hold me, touch me, love me, take me to bed and possess me in such a vibrant and amazing way.  I won't hear him tell me how much he loves making love to me, how much he loves that I love it too.  I had the best time of his life, and I'm glad it ended on such a good note.  I'm glad I had time to put it all back together after what the She-Ex did to him. 

I'm glad, that if he had to die then, he died happy, and the best man I ever knew.

I will always love him.
AC will be helped to remember and love him.
He will always love me.
He will always love the children.

We are lucky, we will be ok.

I have to believe that.

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