Saturday, November 28, 2009

Saturday. T-51 and counting.

The Time reference is to the inquest.

It's Monday, 2pm.  I'll be there.  I'll have two lovely RAF backup.  I'll have lovely Pete who is such a rock.  Mum will pick up the Adorable Child from school.

I don't know how long it will take, I don't know what will happen, I don't know.

I know I love him.  I know that hearing the details of his death will be hard, but that the Family Support Officer will also be there, and he has read them to me before.

I know who will be there.  I feel so sorry for this woman, who accidentally killed him.  I don't feel anything bad towards her, and I hope she isn't in fear of seeing me.

I know I'm crying.

I also know it's Rich and She-Ex's anniversary today.  She stopped us having any of those, so she could hang on to hers.  Today though, that's ok.  Although I-t-B will never read what she wrote to him (she used an old email address I think) she at least appreciates what I am trying to do for BG.

I so badly want to phone BG, but today is not the day, for her mothers sake.  4 years ago though, on the first wedding anniversary since she and BG had gone to the States, only 2 months after they had gone, she had BG phone her Daddy to tell him that the video player was broken and could he come and fix it.  Hearing him have to explain, to his 3.5yr old, that no, he couldn't, not because he was too busy, but because he was too far away, was one of the most distressing phonecalls I have ever seen.  It was the first time I had ever seen pure malicious cruelty from a woman to the man she supposedly loved.  It wasn't caused by anger, but by nastiness.

Today I believe he can see BG, and us, whenever he wants to.  I believe he knows what is going on, and I know that it will all be fine, in the end.

Today I have
sent bluey's,
written emails
sewn some HST's
cuddled the cats
cleaned the sink
written the notices
planned work

and now I need to move on to getting things sorted out for this afternoon, when we have Thanksgiving here.  It will be lovely.

I'm tired though, so maybe a little nappette first......

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