Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I''m a liar.

There you go.

I confess.

I've told more lies this last fortnight than I ever have. (Probably - don't hold me to that as a total)

The truth is?

I'm not fine.
I don't want to spend Christmas playing happy families with my brother and parents and children and so on.
I'm not ready.
I want Rich here.

This isn't fair, it isn't right and I don't want to play this stupid game anymore.  I DON'T.

We had such a gorgeous Christmas last year.  AC was running backwards and forwards being the present bringer, and Rich was in charge of everything, so organised, so full of fun and games.  He and AC threw the parachutists off of the stairs and talked about gravity and air resistance and stuff.  I watched the video again and again earlier.  We finally had presents from the BG.  There was a lot less nastyness from the Ex's and the year ahead looked so, so good.

My parents loved him, we were engaged, we were trying for a baby together, and life was finally so fantastic after all the rubbish that he and I had been through with the Ex's.

It all got busted apart in July, and a year later I'm sitting here, silent tears rolling down my face, presents unwrapped, some not bought I think, and I just can't do this anymore.  There we go.

So what will I do?

I'll tell lies.

I'll stick on my game face, and I'll man up, I'll have a great time at Ru's, I'll pull it all out of thin air, like I usually can make it all come together at the last minute, and it will be good.

We all deserve it, AC most of all.  He's a special child who has lost such a massive part of his life, he doesn't deserve to lose his mother as well, physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever.  I will drag myself out of this pit by my own hair if I have to.

But ssshhhhh!  Don't tell the world it's just a game face.

After all.....

...... I'm so brave...... doing so well........ so strong.......... still young........ plenty more men out there..........


of course.......

let's not forget........

time is a great healer!

1 comment:

Angela said...

I think it is okay to put on a game face sometimes, but it is also okay to be honest, especially with those that love you. No one expects you to be perfect all the time or to up and okay all the time! They will understand if you tell them how you really feel. That doesn't mean that you still can't put on a brave face and try to make the most of the day. I won't pretend to know exactly what you are going through, but we all seem to have things that weigh us down and threaten to crush us. I know how easy it is to hide behind the masks and little lies. You are well loved by many people! I am praying for you and the AC.