Saturday, December 26, 2009

It's late...


It's quite often late these days.  I'll get my body back in sync with the world eventually I suspect.

It's been an evening to reflect on the last few days, to think about the next week, and to look at 2010 without Rich.  In a way, things became easier when we got to September, and he and I had nothing written on the calendar.  I suspect they will become easier again when we get to 2010.  It has always been that way with me, that once I can say "Last year." things change.

I was asked about my FB status this week.  It still says "engaged to Rich Hannis" because ..... well I was lol!  I was asked when I was going to change it, and what to.  I don't know.  Am I single? I suppose so.  I will always love Rich, and anyone who I share my life with is going to have to manage to deal with that.  Rich understood about Steve, so it is possible that there is another man out there who can be the same way.

I just can't imagine there being one.  I can't imagine seeing someone else at the table, or in the kitchen, or waking up to someone else's head on my pillow.  I have no doubt that in the end I will do - I'm not made to be on my own for too long, I like the company, and I like the physical side of things (not just the sex, thou filthy minded people!)

It comes down to that I have faith that I will be sent the right person at the right time.  I was the right person for Rich, I healed him before he died, he raised AC to be a strong child, and to have excellent manners and behaviour and attitude and so on.  He did that.  He is an excellent father, and even now I know he watches the children.  He knows all that goes on, and he understands.  He is with God now, no more suffering, able to see the AC and BG as much as he likes, and whilst it hurts so much still, that knowledge gives me such comfort I cannot explain it.

I could give up, let myself go to fat, eat rubbish, drink rubbish and never exercise, secure that he would be waiting for me when I died.  But what good would that do the AC?  None whatsoever.  He needs a strong male rolemodel in his life, and he needs to carry on seeing what good relationships look like.  He saw that with Rich and I.  He told his teacher that we loved each other a LOT, and he knew it.

Anyway, I should go to bed.


1 comment:

Muthering Heights said...

Praise the Lord that he has a plan for your life....and has wonderful things in store for you, even during this difficult time!