AC didn't get to sleep until around 8.40, so I didn't eat until 9pm.
And tonight, for some reason, I have nothing going on. I have a lot of work to do. A LOT. I'm not kidding on that front. I'm just not quite there tonight. I'm tired (understandably as I've been up since 4am) and I'm missing R, and I can't quite figure out what's happening with anything else right now.
When I'm without him, I feel like a large part of me is missing. I know I'm a strong and independent woman, that I can fight anyone and anything, and I *will* win, but there are times, right now, when I need him.
I'm not ashamed to say I need him - it would be nothing of a relationship if I didn't need him - and it's hard to put into words. I need him. I can manage without him. I am more than capable of earning enough money to support myself and my son, I can emotionally support myself, I care about and like myself, it's not about an appreciation of who I am physically, emotionally or mentally, in some kind of way that means I need him to validate myself.
I just need him.
I need to sit here with his arms around me, my head snuggled on his shoulder and his fingers tracing patterns on my skin without thinking.
I need to look up, and catch him looking at me, just to see me.
I need to walk past him, and feel his hand caress me as I pass, just because.
I need to roll over in bed, and feel his body move towards me, even in sleep wanting to touch.
I need him.
I need the words of love that warm me.
I need the words of support that strengthen me.
I need to bounce ideas off of him, and hear him share his thoughts and hopes and dreams with me.
I need him.
I know that there are feminists all over the world weeping into their lattes about the fact that I have confessed a need for a man, but this is not just any man. I've had boyfriends a plenty, I've been married twice, I've never been short of a man if I've wanted one. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. I liked having someone around, so I usually had someone, and I was always emotionally involved. I loved the feeling of being wanted and desired, so much more than I ever wanted or desired them. I always had people around me, and all were boys. I cared for them all deeply and carefully, mothering them all, bringing out their potential, feeding them, protecting them. But in every relationship, there was a lack, there was a something missing.
And then there was R. Suddenly, from nowhere, he appeared. From somewhere, he became a friend. From a friend, he became more. From more, he became everything. He's the equal partner I always looked for, who can dominate me when I need it, but who can pacify the storm of my emotions with a blanket of love and reasonableness. He needs loving, and caring for and protecting, but he also protects me, he defends me from all comers, he is the head of the family I always wanted, with the same dreams as me, the same aims and wants and desires. We can lie in bed at night and plan a future together, in a way that I was never able to before, and neither was he.
R is my other half. He completes me. And that's why I've done no work.
I bet the head doesn't buy it...... I doubt anyone could truly understand this. I wish everyone could though! I wish the world felt this loved and loving. It would be a better place.