Tuesday, July 21, 2009

End of day 4

So here we are.

End of day 4.

One hell of a day.

I have never cried so hard and so much. I have never felt so much variety of emotion with such intensity. I have never loved so hard.

Loved so hard?

Yes. Today I fell in love.

It was a bad morning, with not good news. There are now 3 blue sacks of his clothes, boots and helmet sitting in my house, waiting for me to have the courage to open them. It's fine, and I know the things I needed to know without investigating too closely, but just from what the policeman told me about what was in there. I'll decide what I do next with them, later.

It was a long lunchtime, with visitors.

It was a bad afternoon, with more not so good news.

And then.

Then I fell in love.

We went to the local supermarket for some tea. We got out of the car. I was on the verge of yet more tears, when, from nowhere on a grim and grey day, came the feeling of such intense love, it took my breath away. In that moment, I fell in love with R all over again, the numbness was beaten off, and I gloried in him being with me.

Feel free to think I'm barking if you like, it's my grief, and I know what I know.

And I know he loves me. HE loves ME! HE LOVES ME! I felt his love, I could feel his arms around me, I could feel him there behind me, stood there, like he did, behind me, arms around me, just about to kiss the top of my head. Maybe all of that was imagination, but from that moment, I could honestly say "He loves me, and I love him, regardless."

Regardless of anything that is happening, regardless of the fact that the tears were because he was physically dead, I FELT his love, I have smiled all evening, my parents are home and I am here alone, because I *am* fine. There will still be bad days, I know, I am almost expecting them, but right now, I am enfolded in his love, in the same way I was when he was here. I miss him and I want him home still, and I almost still cannot believe that he is gone still. But I know he loves me, and he knows I love him, and that is *all* we need. (However, today I do believe that he kept his word, when he said he would not leave me alone, and I will expound on that tomorrow.)

Today, through the grace of God, through the strength of our relationship, through the power of the amazing R, I fell in love with him, all over again. I think the people on Facebook think I am barkingly nuts, but I don't care. I know, I feel, the love he has for me still, and I know he knows I love him.

Today I was also sent this.

Dear Lord,
I may not see the sun and moon lose their light.
I may not witness rivers turn red, or stars fall from the sky.
Yet there are times when my world becomes unhinged
and the foundations of what I believe crack and dissolve.... Read More
Give me the grace to believe that Your power is at work
in the turmoil of my life.
Lead me to remember that Your power is greater than all evil,
and though the world may rock and sometimes break,
it will in time be transformed by Your Love.
author unknown

So from email I have support and love from God, via my amazing friends. From R, I have his love, enveloping me, forcing a smile to my face, enabling me to be strong again, to be the support he always was for me.

We have our love back, (tho I doubt it ever left, but was merely swamped by grief) and now I can feel him all around me, loving me with all of his heart, just like he always did.

Everything else, is an irrelevance.

1 comment:

H F W said...

Oh my gosh, Sarah, I just got back to blog reading and I found your last posts. Oh, I cannot even fathom what to say. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. So, soo sorry. I will be praying for the Lord to give you comfort and peace in a time where neither seems very likely.
Hugs, Sarah. Again, I'm so very deeply sorry.