Friday, January 22, 2010

..... continuation.

It's 189 days today.


Anyway, where were we?

Oh yes.

The Adorable Child.

His needs come first.  They always have, they always will.  Both the children have always been the most important people to us.  There wasn't a lot we could do for the BG, although we were working on it, but we were doing things for the AC.  We love him so much, we had a future as a family.  Rich and the AC did homework together whilst I cooked, even when the AC didn't want to.  AC was talking about changing his name to Rich's surname, and Rich was looking into adopting him.  The AC wanted, and still wants, to be Rich when he grows up, because he worshipped him the way a little boy should worship his Daddy.  As the saying goes, "Any man can be a father, it takes someone special to be a Daddy."

What that means, for me right now, is that his loss is so powerful.  We got the close relationship that we all wanted together, and that means that there is a world of pain for that small child.  Some days there are tears at school.  Some days there aren't.  Some days he's angry, some days he's not.  He shouts and rails at God, at the world.  He's not angry at Richard, or bikes, or anything like that.  He says to me that he knows Rich didn't want to go, and he knows that Rich still loves us and is still around for him.  He believes that Rich fights the monsters for him, before they get a chance to get under his bed. Things like that.  Things that a child should believe and love about their father.

That has a bearing on any relationship I might think about.  Is the AC ready for it?  Will he be able to process the things that are going on?  Right now, the answers are no, he's not ready yet.  That's ok.  His needs come first.  I don't want him growing up thinking that a Daddy can be replaced as quick as that.  Yes, there are lots of chaps who drop in when they are passing, but they were friends of *ours* not mine.  They dropped in when Rich was here, they're still dropping in, because that's what friends do.  They aren't "special" friends.  Or "friends with privileges" as is the current parlance of the youf.  They just are lovely, lovely people.

We're so lucky.

I suppose what it comes down to is that the AC and I are where we are.  We are so strong together, we love each other, he's such a good boy, so loving, so caring - his first thought after hearing of the death was for BG, and his second was that Rich could see her whenever he wanted to now.  That's a special child.  Maybe I'm biased, but I think that's a special boy.  We'll meet someone one day I expect, and if we don't, that's ok as well.  He has plenty of strong male rolemodels that he can call on if he needs to.  (Plenty of people to moan to about me lol!)

I should be wrapping up this soliloquy now, but there's no conclusion other than I guess we wait, watch and pray.  And please do, if you are of that persuasion, pray for my son.  He hurts.


Chef Penny said...

((((hugs)))) Sarah! He will heal and he is lucky to have such an awesome mom!

trash said...

He will be fine. He will grow-up into the person he will be. This whole situation will simply become a part of his story. You will both get through this and he will be fine. Believe me.