To be fair......

..... I am struggling a bit tonight.

I'm on the sofa with the cats and the laptop, with rubbish on the tv and an untidy house, and thinking, "Well, this could be it,."

It won't be.  but it *could* be.

I don't want it to be.

See, there's the thing.

I'd like to have someone in my life again, I'd like to share my day, and make tea for and so on.  I'd like the AC to have someone to come home to, that isn't me, when he needs to talk about something I've done, I suppose.  I know he has other people to go to, and he knows that there is a list of phone numbers that he can call whenever he wants to.  I'd like to go for walks and sit on the sofa (no, I know not at the same time) and someone to bake for.

But then when I think about the other side of a relationship, the intimacy involved (I'm not spelling it out here people) then I don't want that with anyone except Rich.  He was so special, so amazing, so caring and wonderful and that side of our life was so good, because we understood each other and what we didn't understand we found out. ;-)  We love each other so much, and that made a HUGE difference.  We tried a lot of things that I'd never tried before, and some that he hadn't, but there was never any pressure to do anything that we didn't want to do.  We both loved sex so much, and I know what I know, and I know what he told me, that neither of us had ever had it so good, as they say.

It's been on my mind a lot in the last week.  I could be in a relationship now.  A full on, it's going somewhere, relationship.  I'm not.  Why aren't I?  Because I love Rich.  Because right now, there isn't any room for someone else,  even if he is very eligible, good wage, good career, all that stuff.  Even if he is a lovely, lovely chap.  Even if he is fun to be around and would provide the strong father figure my son needs.

There's another thing.

AC doesn't need anyone yet.  He's still hurting and it's coming to anger.  We're dealing with it, carefully, slowly, with counselling and love and support.  Play therapy has been suggested, and currently is in the "Thankyou, we'll keep that in mind" pile.

*Phone*