Thursday, July 1, 2010

Quiet because......

I've been  quiet on here for a week, since I got this last Saturday. I opened it, and read it, because I thought that Lori and I were over all this nastyness.  Turns out she was just waiting for a chance to stick the knife in and twist it.

I am not putting a subject here, because I am convinced you will not read this anyway.

One..Ian still has not sent the death certificate.

You promised it over 5 months ago.

I need it for a good many reasons.

but worries right?

Rachel having health care was never a top priority for you and Richard was it?

I find a good many things hilarious lately, Your complete lack of realizing it is *ME* doing this for rachel.

Not the schools..not anything else...

it is ME..doing it for rachel.

Not Richard...Not you.....Not any one else.

As soon as you send the death certificate, it is done.

Ian and Ann will alway's have contact with rachel.

You and Sam, no longer have any reason to be in contact with her.

Step families, don't count.

ANd that's all you ever were to her.

She will be told you and Richard were planning on taking her away from me.

That you two were planning on filing her head full of tons of lies about me.

She will be told all of that.

So while you are having fun planning and living your life.

Remember that.

all you two ever did was hurt her.

Couldn't send her a birthday present the last year.

A telegram to a child that didn't understand the significance of it.

makes no sense to me at all.

But hey, don't worry about it right?

you two alway's were having your little agendas...

btw...Rachels and my life now is perfect, there is no fighting, no worry about what Richard was trying to do. 

She's no longer living in fear....

she is at peace.

I've answered her, without saying all I wanted to say, because I don't want to sink to her level, because I need to focus on the AC and J and I.  Because that is a part of my life that is over, and I don't see why she should keep wanting to hurt me in the way she does.  I know it's coming up to the July 4th episode, when she had Rich removed from the house for something he hadn't done, that she later said she'd made up, and that, instead of getting her the attention she wanted, just got her single and lonely in the States without him, and us happy over her without her (always sad without BG, always, but happy without her.)  We all know it's 2 weeks until it's a year since he died and she's loving the chance to choose now to have a go at me, (the cynical side says she's probably warming up for some nasty extravaganza on the actual day!) because she knows I'll be vulnerable.

The thing is, I'm not.

Not vulnerable to her particular brand of attitude.

She tells me to get on with planning and living my life - what am I supposed to do?  Put it on hold and be fat and miserable like her? Not going to happen.  I have some pride in myself and a love for my son that stops me wallowing and thinking it's all about me.

She tells me that her life is perfect - I'm glad for her and the BG that their life is perfect.  That BG is at peace.  It wasn't us that told her if she was naughty she'd have to go and live with Daddy, or lied to her for years that Daddy was working in a garage down the road and would be round in a few days.

All we ever did was hurt her.  We didn't drag her away in tears from her native country, fail to help her learn to read, fail to keep her clean over here, fail to potty train her by almost 4, or live in a mess.  We didn't do any of those things.  We phoned when we should have done, wrote when we should have done, sent what we should have when we should have, except for her last birthday when there just wasn't any money.  Why?  Mainly because of the exchange rate.  Because Lori couldn't get a bank account sorted, we had to convert money every month to sent via Western Union.  When the rates went pear shaped, there wasn't enough money to go round.  We went without so she had her money - and how much went on BG?  I wonder - certainly the swimming money didn't!  We weren't the ones screaming insults down the phone.  That was all Lori.

Oh well. I answered......

As you said Ian was going to supply the death certificate I fail to see why you think that harassing me for it is going to solve the situation. Ian, just in case you are unaware, has not been well. This could explain the delay in sending the certificate.

As for what you tell Rachel, that quite obviously is entirely up to you but deep down we all know the truth don't we?  If you want to tell her we were planning on taking her away, you feel free.  It's a lie, but that doesn't usually bother you.  We had no intention of telling her lies about you, but in many cases would not have told her the truth as what child wants to know her mother would leave her late at the childminder so that she could stay and play on the computer at home?  If you want to claim her memories of the fun things she and I did together, like the beach, then you go ahead.  Recreate your own past in a way that suits you.

Your fear of the truth is up to you, and your conscience.  I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of, no skeletons in the closet of my behaviour from that time or since, and so I will cheerfully answer any questions that she has for me about her Daddy, about how we got together, about how lovely our home was that he helped make for us, about how happy I made him, about how much he loves Sam and me, but how she was always special and always his Princess, even though you chose to take her away from him and made it impossible for her to see him.  You can deny it as much as you want to, but I am the only person who knew how he felt about you and her in the last 4 years of his life, and I am the only person who can answer her questions, maybe not now, but when she is an teenager or an adult.  She will always be able to talk to me about anything she wants to, and I will answer her truthfully.  If you have nothing to hide then I don't see why this is a problem for you.  Rich was always concerned about her healthcare and the way that you had gone back on your promise that she would always be covered.
Lori, I know why you are doing this at this time.  It's the same reason you were always difficult at times of emotional importance for Rich and I, from the first wedding anniversary he had without you where you had Rachel phone him to ask him to come over and fix the video, to the same reason why you asked for the Death Certificate originally on the Boxing Day of the first Christmas we had without him.  However, then, as now, it's not all about you.  For Rich and I it was always about Rachel and Sam.  For me, it will always still be about Rachel and Sam.  Even now, when I am still sorting out things to do with his death, my emotions have to be kept until Sam is asleep, because I am woman enough to put my son first and not let him see me upset like that any more.  I am woman enough to put my feelings about you to one side, as I have for the last 5 years, and put Rachel first.

So to close I would ask that if you are saying that Sam and I have nothing to do with Rachel, that no further correspondence be sent from you to me as any further contact will be taken as harassment and legal action will be taken. Please bear in mind that this is no threat, it is merely a statement of fact and as I have over 5000 e-mails saved as proof I would seriously think twice before you contact me again. That said the line of communication for Rachel will always be open. She and Sam are the real victims in all of this. You've got exactly what you wanted - financial support for Rachel and no interference from Rich - and you are still trying to bully me.  You have made this bed for yourself Lori.  I hope it's comfortable.

Lots of love to Rachel, as always,

I'm going to pack for BVF now.  It's going to be ace.  I won't let her ruin my weekend again.

1 comment:

Chef Penny said...

((((hugs))) and well said. Now the last thing she wants is to see you happy so go have a fantastic weekend! I look forward to reading about it!