Yesterday J and I hit the 6 month marker in our togetherness. Today is 15 months since Rich died. How time flies.
I laughed with J yesterday, about a hundred small things, about everything and nothing. I shed tears for Rich, as I do on a weekly, some weeks daily, basis. I will always miss my best friend. He understood me like no one else ever tried to. He loved being here with us, and I believe he's still about every now and again.
But 6 months ago, when I was walking on a beachfront in Hunstanton with J, I didn't think we'd go this far, that he'd be living here and we'd be talking about long term things. I couldn't imagine ever taking such a chance to love someone, to allow my son to love someone, in such a way that his loss would devastate our lives. But then 15 months ago, at this time (7.43am) I had all I'd ever dreamed of, and so did Rich. He had a happy family life, we were planning babies, we were going to get married properly, as well as our own Promises, the She-Ex was less of a nightmare but still incredibly self centred but we were learning to live around her in the same way one does around a selfindulgent child. Less "She's nasty" and more "She can't help it, poor love." The He-Ex was actually less of a pain in the rear than he is being right now, but it's ok, he's never going to be as bad as she wanted to be.
And I'm sitting here and watching every minute tick by.
How is it that the long bits of time wizz through, but every minute lasts forever?
It just is that way I guess. I'd never expected to feel like this about anyone one. I could never have expected pain like the loss of Rich gave me. But then that's the joy of loving someone that intensely.
I know he loves us. I know that because of all the little things. Like his last words to us, probably to anyone, (although he filled up with petrol, so I expect he said thankyou!)
The last moment of our old normal lives. Him loving his bike, us walking to school.