And so I'm back

..... From outer space? Did I just walk in to find you here with that smile on your face?

Lol.

It's going to be one of those days. I forgot my bag to take to Leamington on Friday. I had no phone, no pulse point stuff (got a new one from the Body Shop on Thursday) no nothing.

However, we went to leamington and it was good. J and I went to the caravan and boat show, and the boys stayed with their grandparents for the day. Sunday we did "not a fat lot" and came home. I have a million and one jobs to do, but it's all good.

I made myself look at the Death Certificate last night, before I post it off to DVLA to get all that sorted out. I hate that piece of paper. I don't say hate very often, but I hate that piece of paper. And then I cried. I miss my friend. I know that the more intimate side of my life is fabulous with J, and I love him more than I ever thought possible, I love the idea that we have this gorgeous future that we are planning together. But last night I missed my friend. I wanted him to walk in the door, demanding tea and bob buns and then be up all night talking rubbish, like we used to before we were together.

But if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.

Day 21 is a picture of something you wish you could forget. That's also a tricky one as there is nothing in life I wish to forget - it's all made me who I am.

I'm thinking!

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Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you would like to travel

These are, obviously, the Northern Lights.  The Aurora Borealis.  Or the Aurora Australis.  (the Southern Lights.)  Would I rather go to Australia or Canada?

Or here.



Atlanta, Georgia, where the BG is, as far as I know.

An interesting thing has happened over the last few days.  7 days before Rich died, an Army Cpl from Dereham was killed.  His name was Lee Scott. His widow has two children and started a charity to raise money and awareness of the children who are left behind when the Forces part of their life dies.  Rich's kit was used to raise money for Scotty's Little Soldiers.  The paper reported it as being part of Lee Scotts kit.  I emailed her to say that I knew it wasn't part of his kit, that I knew the kit and the story, and that it was ok, it was kit that fitted the situation.  She emailed me back a lovely email, and it turns out that she used to be one of the AC's carers at the nursery across the road where he used to go.  She knows the AC, she knew Rich in passing, she knows me in passing (in a whole picking up the child kind of way!) and remembers Rich picking the AC up in his greens!  It is a small world.  Her story has been in one of the national magazines this week, and it has reminded me that I was asked by one to tell my story.  At the time I didn't think about it properly, and I know that it has all the elements of a good story - love, death, betrayal, insult, lies and is approaching a happier stage, but I'm thinking about it now, for certain.

Anyway, must get J up!

Day 19 - A picture of yourself when you were little.

Really little, and then at Junior school, so I should think I was about 8?

You wouldn't think that my life would turn out to be as sorrowful as it has in places from looking at that picture.  If I could go back in time though, I wouldn't change anything.  Rich always told me everything happens for a reason.

*hug*

So much to write

Brownie camp turns out to be a lot of fun.

DVLA get me riled up and then we get to the bottom of the situation.

Scotty's Little Soldiers turns out to be close to home - and to ask an impossible question.

I've made hot whoopie.

Life is life, and could be so much worse. I think about last year, and how i felt, and how complicated everything was, and how much it hurt, and i am glad i am not in that place. I didn't note the 17th on here this month. I noted it in my heart, my mind, my head, my soul, but not on here. Obviously, I'm now doing it, acknowledging it, but it mattered that i didn't do it here.

So all of this will get a post later. Maybe even its own post. Right now, I have lunches to prep!

Home. Sleepy.

And that's all I have the energy to say!

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Day 18 - a picture of your biggest insecurity.

I don't know.

I'm going to write this and see where it leads in a flow of consciousness style.

My biggest insecurity isn't my body. Yes, it's a little larger than I like at the moment, and I can feel it and I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do until i can exercise again. I'm not physically orientated in anything in that way. I like a man because of who he is, not because of how he looks. I like children for who they are. I trust everyone initially, and then if they lose that trust, then that's it. I can be judgemental, axnd I struggle to forgive people. It has to be something major to get me wound up, like claiming things that aren't yours or taking the man I am mourning and scattering his ashes without me or the AC, or lying. I'm bad at forgiving lying.

I've never been insecure about my body in terms of men either. They can like me for who I am or get knotted! I like having a man in my life, but it's not an essential, just high up on the list. There were at least 5 candidates before J, but I wasn't in the right place in my head. They weren't right for AC and I. I have always thought that it is the lack of neediness that means I have never had to be alone unless I chose to be. I'm also not insecure about my bedroom abilities! I know what men like in a generic sense, and i know how to adapt it for different people. Rich enjoyed the fact I wasn't like a sack of potatoes, that I enjoyed it, and I think it is the lack of insecurity than enables me to enjoy being naked and intimate. The list of partners isn't very long, and certainly longer than I would have wished it to be if my happy ever after plans had worked out the first time, but I've never had a complaint yet...... That makes a difference to how a girl feels I think.

Traditionally people are insecure about their jobs - I'm not. I have job security, and I'm good at what I do. I don't do the paperwork side of it so well, but that's life. It doesn't bother me that I don't. I love it, it's not just a job, it's a way of life.

People get insecure about the way they raise children. I did when he was ill and a baby, but now I don't. He is a fine lad, academically above average, confident, articulate, kind, loving, understanding, helpful, able to get on with adults as well as children, confident to try new things and not worry if he can't get them right straight away, and able to express his thoughts and feelings because he has always been encouraged to. We've always talked about everything, and he has always been at the forefront of my mind, but not the centre of my world, because spoiled children are at risk of becoming brats! Rich was initially one of the most rude about the way that I raised thte AC, as was Lori, but then he saw a how it worked, and how much hard work it is not just to stick your child in front of the tv, and how much fun it is to actually interact with your child properly, and he wished that things hadd been different for the BG. She wasn't gone then, and we had some wonderful afternoons together once he'd learnt that.

What else do people get insecure about?

I don't know. Maybe it's just today that I feel ok. Maybe yesterday or tomorrow I would have answered this differently. Maybe, like most other things in my life, it's the death of Rich that has changed my view of the world and insecurity just isn't worth my time.

I don't know.

I'll think about this some more!

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Yes.  I know how this looks.

 I am an ubergeek.

A very lucky uber geek, but a geek all the same.

I love the child, but he made his huge impact on my life about 8 years ago. (It's what he's holding!)

It's in an Otterbox case, because they are the strongest and the best, and I am still giffering and throwing things on the floor.

Obviously, it's my iPad.  This is the child in a tree.  I love the way the iPad does pictures.

The Otterbox case makes it stand up.  Ideal for the kitchen.

The screen orientates itself however you want it to.  I can blog, use internet, anything!

I can download and read books on it. (I currently have 4 reading apps, and about 24 books on it!)

I can write work on it.  Or not work.

I can read University stuff when I'm out and about.

I can play games.

I can catch up with the news.

It keeps me organised and helps me to remember.

It also plays music, plays films, downloads programmes..........

It does a thousand things more than this, and more than I know of, I'm sure.  Just last night I found I could use Zinio and download magazines, read them, and dismiss them, without an ounce of paper waste for the planet. Books are cheaper than hardcopy books, and yes, there is a difference in how it feels, but it's good for me, and that's ok.

It was expensive, but J bought it for me because he loves me.  He understands my gadget needs, loves my inner geek, and likes to make my life easier.  When I'm laid up immobile in a few weeks, it's going to be my lifeline I think!

He loves me.  It's an amazing thing to say, and I love to be able to say it.  I never thought I would again.

Blue belt.

Oh yes.



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And love.

What more does a small boy need.......

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Ooooohhhhhhh..........

Tricky.

(Yes, I know I've said that about all of them, but Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.)

Ok.

It'll be a multiple photo post, because that's the way I roll today! Last day of half term, parents evening all done, and a new book to read on the Kindle App on the iPad.  If it wasn't for the fact that the AC is going to his fathers for 5 days from today, I'd be in full on party mood!

So, in No Particular Order



St Barbara inspires me.  More specifically, the Prayer of St Barbara inspires me. I wrote about it before, we had it at Rich's Celebrations, and it rocks.  It acknowledges that we live with liars and cheats and people who want us to suffer all around us, and yet we can change the world by our small actions, "even though I am small, even though I am alone"

The Angel Mummy Murray inspires me. (Yes, I have the words in the right order!)  She is a hard working, hard loving, hard believing, hard mothering woman who puts her faith and her family before everything.  She is amazing.  She's hard to get hold of because she is so busy, because on top of that she runs local Cadets, but she is always on the end of a Facebook message, always notices if someone is down, and is as supportive as a Most Supportive Thing on a Most Supportive Day in Support-Town.  Which makes her sound like stockings, but she's not.  She has 4 gorgeous children, a man who is away a lot with work, and as she used to be a teacher, she understands the pressures and joys.  She inspires me because she gets on and does it all, and yet when she can't, she holds her hands up and asks for help.  Both of those things are inspiring to me.  Her faith inspires me to hold on to mine, even in the darkest of dark times.

Lisa inspires me.  We've never met, we probably never will, but again it's her faith, her love for her man, her trust in her marriage and in God, in the rightness of her choices, but with the humility that admits when she's got it wrong.  But Lisa does something I need to do.  She learns from those mistakes. Yeah.  I should do that thing......

And lastly (because it's 6.30 and I should be getting on!), and I can't find a picture right now, but I'll put one up sooner rather than later, my blood family.  Mum, Dad, Hannah, Franie, Ru, just inspire me to get up and keep going.  To do the things I want to do and believe in the things I want to believe in.  The Koenigs help me believe in happy ever afters, in bringing up children with love and firmness, in the wider world being an ok place. Cagine tells me that it is all good, that I can do this, whatever this is, and I tell her the same.  The AC inspires me to be a better mother.

So many people inspire me.  no more photo time this morning though!

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I used to have a bucket list.  I used to have things I wanted to do, like see the pyramids, or have a book published, or maintain a tidy house for more than a month before the washing volcano exploded all over it, or have more children, or drive a Scania 185 or...... well, you know.  Stuff.

But I suppose if I was going to take a picture of it, and post it up here, it would look like......



Is it such a big ask?

In other news, parents evening was ok, I had lots of parents compared to some, and I am wonderful according to the children.  Hurrah, and huzzah!  Tonight I have 4 parents to see.  Obviously the ones I really *need* to see are the parents who don't come to that kind of thing. Never mind.  I will get hold of them somehow.  But I got home to an empty house - the boys had gone flying - and so I had time to sit and think about things.  This turned out to be a bad thing, so I watched the new Masterchef instead.

I'm struggling with a couple of things at the moment.  Actually a couple of people, and their attitude and behaviour, and I know that every Christian bone in my body tells me to forgive them - but there is no sign of remorse from them, no change in their attitude, no acknowledgement of the hurt that they chose to cause, and so, like a small child, I don't see why I should.  If you are of a praying mind, would you ask for understanding for me?  Or that God manages to make me just shut up and listen to Him?  I don't like this about me, and I am working hard to change it, but my, I seem to be so very, very stubborn about it.....

Maybe that's what I should put on here.  A picture of them, and hope to forgive them before I die.

Day 14 - a picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

I can't answer this one.

I can't answer it, because I can imagine my life without any individual in it.  I've done it, I've been there, and I can imagine the heartbreakingly numb emptiness, because I've felt it.  I know what it is like to wander from room to room, looking for something that you don't know what it is, only to realise it's not a what, it's a who, and he's never coming home.  I know what it is like to call someone up the stairs, and suddenly remember he will never answer you in that way again.  I know what it is like to make too many cups of tea, out of habit, and look at his, in his cup, and want to throw it against the wall, but instead to empty it, and wash it up, and dry it, and put it away for when his daughter might want it.  I know the feeling of coming home bursting with good news to tell, and have no one there, because they will never be there again like they were.

So I moved away from people. Heartachingly enough, I can imagine life without J, or my parents, or the AC.  The night I dreamed the death and Celebration of the AC was horrendous.  But even then, I cannot say, there would be no point, I would not carry on, because people do, and I would.  At times, I would love to have given up after Rich died, but I couldn't, and I wouldn't, not physically, not mentally, not in any way.

So I moved on to things.

I love many things in my life, but they are just things.  I love my laptop, my computer, my iPad, my iPhone, the way that they keep the world near me, but at a distance if I'm not ready for the world.  I love my slow cooker, my Quick2Boil one cup of tea maker, my breadmaker, my dishwasher, my washing machine for the way they make my life so much easier and more efficient.

And then it came to me.

I love my shower.  I love my cups of tea. I love my washing machine and dishwasher.  I love my baths.  I love cold squash on a hot day and hot squash on a cold day.  What couldn't I imagine living without?



Running water.

Oh we've all managed for a couple of days here and there, but really?  For the rest of my life? Nope.  I cannot imagine life without running water.  It strikes me as one of those things that makes civilisation the way it is, that those without it in the Western World are somehow third class citizens, as those in the Third World without it are.  I know many people live happily with wells and so on, but I have none of that available to me. So there we go.

Running water.

Day 13 - A picture of your favourite band or artist.

I mused over this all day yesterday.  I couldn't get to the computer at the weeekend because we had an amazingly busy weekend, but the upshot of the weekend is that AC went to a party and loved it, we made new friends with the parents, AC got his blue belt in KSW and we are all very proud of him, and we did the Leam journey on Friday, back on Saturday with T-boy, and up and back on Sunday.

Very tired.

Also had my essay mark back and I passed.  Not brilliantly, and I will be putting a vast amount of work into the next one now that I know what they want, but hey, that's ok, that's why we do these things.

And I finished my seagreen cardigan, which I am wearing now and is lovely and warm.  Slightly tight under the arms, but I know why and one of these days I could always go back and fix that.  However, and once again, we learn from our mistakes.

So.

A picture of a favourite band or artist.

The obvious choice is



Queen.

They were a favourite of Rich and I and we ended the formal part of his Celebration with "Don't Stop Me Now", which ROCKED, just like Rich did.  A few people understood the reason why I'd chosen it, some thought it was irreverent, but knew I would have a good reason, and others just enjoyed the top level idea of not being stopped now.  However, I don't care what anyone else thought.  I would have listened to BG if she had wanted something specific, but she wasn't even allowed to be there, so :-p~~~~

I also really enjoy



Avril Lavigne, and Sk8er Boi brings back such amazing memories of time with Caroline (amongst other songs and dancing in the car!)

Right now I'm really enjoying



Depeche Mode.  It's a band from my childhood that I recently refound with J.  Everyone should hear Somebody at some point in their lives.

I love music though.   The other day I chose some old songs, and I sang and sang in my room whilst I put a display up.Someone pointed out that I hadn't sung properly or had music on in school since Rich died.  Yeah.  That's how these things get you.

Yeah.

But I finished my cardi.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

You can make pictures of lies.  Amazingly so!

But today is something that we love.  Something, not someone.

I choose.......

Yes.  A cup of tea.  Milk. 2 sugars. Strong. NATO standard, builders tea.

After the accident I think if I'd gone to give blood they would have sent me to Tetley's to have the tea distilled out of me!  In the police car, having had the news about the accident at school, being taken  home in the back of the car, the conversation I remember went...

"We'll go back to your house, and then we'll sort some things out from there.  I have some items which I will need you to verify belong to Rich."

"Ok.  I can do that.  But I haven't hoovered."

"That doesn't  matter.  Is there anything you would like to do when we get back to your house?"

"I'd like a cup of tea.  *pause* Damn.  That's a bit bloody English of me!"

"Well, Mike here is very good at cups of tea."

Apparently he meant phone my mother and so on.  I drank so much tea.  Good job I don't drink whiskey, we'd all have been in the poor house!  (and yes, these days I remember looking at his stuff and the feeling of knowing, and firmly trying to settle into denial.  And these days I think, for all her "I'm the next of kin, give me everything he had that was worth anything" that she didn't have the honour of doing that, that she never saw him and identified *him*, because she was worthless to him.)

But a cup of tea.

In a crisis.

How so, very, sodding, English.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

It's hard to put a picture here. You can't take a picture of lies.

And I hate lies.

And liars.

But I can't put a picture on here of a liar, because that would be slander. Probably.....

Oh ignore me, I'm in a foul mood. My leg is sore from where it was poked by the consultant today, and I'm having an arthroscopy soon. Date to be received in the post. It's torn cartilage, as far as the registrar and the consultant were concerned. I can get an MRI, or go with what they say and just do it. So I'm doing it. Well, I'm not, the consultant is, but you get the idea.

Snack time i think. Cheese. Apple. Salt and vinegar crisps. Milk. Marmite on a bagel. Not all of them, those are just the options lol! I'm not that greedy or keen to be a heifer!

Laters my lovelies,

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Day 10 - A picture of your favorite sport or favorite athlete.

Torville and Dean, performing Bolero.  Oh yes, indeedy.



And Next Milton.  (also known as Henderson Milton and Everest Milton)  One of the greatest showjumpers ever.  I likes a bit of show jumping, I does.  Especially some puissance.

In other news, I'm knackered.  Docs was grim yesterday (I hate having that done, but I'm grateful to live in a place where they check to see if you are dying!) and my observation was delayed until today.  I'm tired, coughing, and my chest is burning.  I think we'll be visiting the doc again if this isn't gone by the end of the week!

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

My parents.

Ok, it's people, not a person, but they are great and gorgeous and wonderful.

I am lucky to have supportive parents like them.

In other news, I get new internets today, so if you are in my address book you may well find a new address heading your way!  And if you aren't, then drop me a comment and I'll get back to you with it.

So tired, and I have a phonics observation today!  Humph.  I hate the checking up on people procedures that go on.  I don't like being observed.  And I have a child who has been off with scarletina.  Lovely!

Laters people.  I have sandwiches to make, and many miles to go before I sleep.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

EASY!

Either this one





Or this one!

This one always makes me laugh.

I'm really enjoying this photo thing.  I've enjoyed looking back through the old photos, and being able to do it without tears.  (mostly!) I never thought I'd have a picture of the She-Ex on here, with all the other pictures, or think about her the way I had to the other day, but I do, and I did, and it's ok!

Day 07 - A picture of you and someone you'd be lost without .

I can hear people saying "But this is a picture of just her!"

It is, and it isn't.

It's a picture of me at World Book Day in March '09, having been folded and tucked into a uniform.  We had a great day and the kids really enjoyed themselves.

So what is it doing on this page?

Well.

It's a picture of me in RAF greens.  I would have been so lost without the RAF in the months after the accident.  They have been amazingly supportive, amazingly loving, and I know the red tape that has stopped me doing certain things annoyed them as much as it annoyed me.

It's a picture of me at school.  Without school, life for AC and I would have been unbearable.  They are still so understanding to both of us, so proud that we are rebuilding our lives, so strong when we are not.

It's a picture of me and God.  He's there - you just can't see Him.  And without Him, life would be blank, nothing, meaningless.  Rich would have died in vain, there would be no hope of a hearafter, and there is, and we will see each other again.  God gives me strength, protects me, upholds me, empowers me, and above all, He loves me.  Little, tiny, worthless ol' me.  He made me, and He doesn't make mistakes.  There have been times when I have found it hard to carry on my faith, but He is always there.  And He believes in me, even when it's hard to believe in Him.

Psalm 146:9 has been so proven to be true.  He has upheld AC and I as the widow and the fatherless, and the way of the wicked has been turned upside down.

Proverbs 3:5-6  We have trusted in Him and not in our own understanding, and He has made our paths straight.

And of course.....

Phil 4:13 because I *can* do all things through he who strengthens me.  Anything!

Day 06 - A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day.

Ooooh.  Tricky............



I'd like to swap with Lori for a day, just to spend time with BG.

That would be so good.  I wouldn't want her life - I love my life in England too much, but for one day, I'd love to see BG, go to the places she loves, talk about her Daddy, give her the things I have kept for her, and tell her how much I love her.



Or Michelle Duggar.  19 and counting.  I'd love that.



Or Rachel Allen.  Now that would be cool.  I'd love to use her kitchen (and her staff that wash up for her!)

But on the whole, aside from seeing BG, I'm happy to be me!

And?

And why?
I'm crying.  Nearly.

 I'm sitting here, with that heavy nose, achy forehead, full eyes, precrying feeling.  I'm not doing it yet and I'm not sure if I will, but apparently I'm thinking about it.

Clearly it's because I'm ill.

It is not because there is a programme about pagan handfastings on the tv, and I was robbed of ours.
It is not because AC is at his fathers and I've just looked at the pictures from this morning and been overwhelmed by how much I love that child.
It is not because J is working late and I want him home to snuggle.

It is because I am ill.

*nods cautiously*

yes.

and so I am prescribing a cup of tea, and possibly a biscuit or three.

Day 05 - A picture of you and the person you've had the best memories with.

Easy.

SO EASY!

Who is it?

Obviously, it's the AC! (and I was very tired in this picture lol!)

he has a beautiful smile,

loves to make great dens

can be taken anywhere

loves to snuggle

loves to play

loves to give kisses

loves to go out places

loves to pull faces

loves the RAF

loves the armourers.

He's just so full of strength and love.  And that's what you need for great memories.