.....the strangest thing happened.
I couldn't stop smiling. It started around 5pm, and it hasn't stopped since. This morning, I woke up in J's arms, and I realised what it was.
Yesterday, J went out, I cleaned the child's room, made 2 chocolate cakes, iced and decorated them (sounds good, but I'll put the pictures up of the one I kept - it's not that impressive lol!) did a load of course work, drank tea, watched some of my current wallpaper tv (Kimora, life in the Fab lane) and read a bit and pottered about and so on.
J phoned about 3 to say we were going flying, and he'd pick me up, the planes up, and some tea. No problems.
We went flying. I did more work, he flew his Discovery, took off and landed about 20 times because he's practicing for his A certificate, we watched the lads fly the bigger planes, Andy zipped through the air with his little mustang, it was a calm, clear, warm, sunny day, and the world was a good place.
And suddenly I started to smile.
Suddenly, my body clocked ticked through 6pm, when J got here, exactly a year ago. Suddenly it was EXACTLY a year. And as the evening progressed I was in the two trouser legs of time again. Part of me was having pizza with the flying gang, and laughing at Dan's crap jokes, and at Steve's almighty crash (literally folded his model in half!) and part of me was sitting on the sofa, ordering Chinese, laughing, and then suddenly kissing and *ahem*.
It's like an amazing lightness has come over me. I can no longer say "This time last year I was desolate and alone, this time last year there was no hope." Because this time last year I wasn't, and there was, and there is.
In fact, this time last year we were headed over to Hunstanton for breakfast. (No, I had never done that on a first evening seeing a chap either. I didn't think I was that kind of girl!)
Yesterday I became fuller of love and smiles than I have allowed myself to be for 21 months. And yes, it is 21 months today since Rich died. J came over the night before it was 9 months. 12 months later, he's upstairs, dozing on a Sunday morning, whilst I am supposed to be working!
Today I feel like I can take the chance on being happy, as if some kind of weird probationary period is over and it's ok to move on, have a relationship, be outrageously happy, be incredibly loved, be absorbed by the us-ness-of-us without it being some kind of betrayal of Rich and how we felt about each other.
Today, is officially, the first day of the rest of my life. And it's going to be a good one!