Still up.

I'm still up.

I'm up because I'm not in bed (yay - I am Sherlock Holmes!) GOTPB is on the box, and I'm just waiting to feel tired enough to go to bed.

Ok, so actually, that's not it. Actually, I hate going to bed knowing that R isn't here and that he isn't coming home tonight. The first couple of nights are the worst, and then it gets a lot easier as the time goes on. April is going to be a 'mare in this sense, but I'll manage lol!

I go to bed without R a lot. But usually, he's here, downstairs, filling the house with his presence, and I can hear him, pottering about with the animals or in the kitchen, playing on the computer or watching tv or something. And tonight he's not. And I miss him.

I miss the way I look up from what I'm doing and find him watching me and smiling.
I miss the way that he blows me kisses from across the room.
I miss the way that he tells me he loves me, just because he wants to and he does.
I miss making him tea and the way his voice changes and is so appreciative of everything I do for him like that, still with the vague surprised sound in his voice.
I miss the way he touches my back or my head or whatever part of me he can reach as he walks past.
I miss him getting into bed next to me and just snuggling up and whispering "Goodnight my darling." in my ear, even when he thinks I'm asleep.
I miss the feeling of his legs intertwined with mine when I wake up in the night, or the way he sleeps with his hand on my hip.

*sigh* Oh I'm a soppy wench. I've never felt quite like this about a man before, and I'm just lying here, typing, because I can, and I want to and I want to recognise and acknowledge and "grok" these feelings. I relish the times of being like this - because without him being away, how can I truly appreciate him when he's home?

And I do. I love him and I miss him. He's such an amazing man, who loves and lives with all of him.