Thursday, June 11, 2009

Quietly content

I have just finished yet another bath. I don't take one for weeks (although, dear Reader, I do shower every day!) and then take one every night, usually at the behest of R, who knows how they settle me.

This one, complete with warm blackcurrant juice and a copy of Darkside : Lifeblood which I started and finished in the one bath, was very settling.

I have allowed things to get on top of me, I have worried about things for which I have done my best, and thus cannot affect any further. I have tried too hard, worked too hard, and not smart enough. I need to reconsider myself.

Every now and again I do this, and now, just after the child has turned 6 seems a good time. R and I are have been friends for 4 years now, lovers for 3. We are in a good and stable place, living and loving together. R and the AC love each other with a joyful delight in each others antics and a deep respect for each others individuality and a pride in the other that is a pleasure to behold. I am deeply and fearfully proud of both of them for who they are becoming.

But who am I becoming?

There comes a point, every now and again, where I have to think about where I go next. The AC no longer *needs* me as much - he has R as well as me, which gives me a little time. I have not needed, nor wanted me time up to now, and to be honest, I don't need it now, it is just "there", in the gap that his growing leaves.

I know what I would fill it with.

It's interesting.

So what does it mean?

It means I'm done with the She-Ex again for now. I'm not going to ask her any more about the BG's reading until I get the things I need from her to continue properly, and on a regular basis. Why am I pouring more commitment and effort into this child's education than her mother?

It means I'm done with extras for now for school. What is done, is done. When reports are done, they are done, and that is the end of it.

It means that other parts of my life have been placed into God's hands more than they were before, and I am trying hard to trust in Him for the best outcome, and to trust myself to believe that the outcome is the one that is the best.

It means I am withdrawing into our four walls and our family again.

But for now, I must write reports.

No comments: