Friday, October 9, 2009

12 weeks.

... and counting.

Always counting.

12 weeks is such a vital number for the baking of babies, as Rich called it. He held me so many times, and in February he held me for so long, and in June, and now there is no one to hold me, just me.

AC has gone to his fathers. He-Ex was determined to be having his access time, regardless of the 40+ temp of last night and the possibility of infection to his lovely but ancient mother. I think she's lovely. She doesn't like me, but that's ok. What she knows of me is based on the things He-Ex told her.

See, there's another thing. Everything we know of people we either experience for ourselves, or it's based on another's perception.

I-t-B didn't like me, because of the lies told to him by the She-Ex.

My parents were initially not fond of Rich because of the lies (and they were blatent lies!) told them by the He-Ex.

The She-Ex told me Rich was a bisexual schizophrenic. I never experienced anything of that, and I think that in his time away and time in the RAF, that if that was true, someone would have noticed. And he certainly *wasn't* interested in other men - or at least he wasn't when he was with me! lol!

But her purpose of telling me that was that she wanted me to be disgusted, to not be interested in him. At the time, regardless of what she thought and what she later told I-t-B, I wasn't. He was a very good friend, and that was about it. He told me later that he loved me from the first time he saw me, he just hadn't realised that was what real love felt like, and he felt he owed it to BG to keep the marriage going as long as he could.

Had I believed her, then I would have done what? Well, nothing to be honest. One is nature, one is nurture and illness combined. I can hardly walk away from a friend for the way he is or the way he was brought up, or the fact he is unwell. Maybe she would have, I don't know.

But this time 4 years ago, 2005, we were reeling from the aftershocks of her taking BG in the way she did. He was away and had had a breakdown. I was dealing with the end of my marriage but I phoned him every night, just to be sure he was ok.

This time 3 years ago, we were getting used to life in this house, and loving it.

This time 2 years ago, we were making plans for Ellie, loving AC through his first year at school, running backwards and forwards to nursery whilst he did part time. We welcomed the fish, the new cat, the Rangy's, and were making plans for us.

This time last year, he was going away soon, but he had already come back once, so we weren't worried.

This year, I've just come in from quiz at school, having burst into tears in front of parents and colleagues during "I know him so well."......

Ah well.

12 weeks.

There we go.

Not an email from the She-Ex, or I-t-B. Nothing I can do then, except what I am doing.

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