Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I don't know what to say.....


I have tried my hardest today to get things going.  I have been to the bank, I have been to the phone people, I have been in town on a sales day, I have been in town after 3 hours sleep all night.  I have tried to explain the system to someone, and I have opened up a painful wound to show this person that this is how my life is, please try and understand.

I sent this (there's a bit missing at the top becaue I'm thinking about what to say about that.)  But incase I'd been terse with her, I wanted her to know what today was like.

I also know that I am tired, I've had to talk about him dying to different people all day, just so I can hurry up getting a certificate to you, and all you can do is be mean to me.  I hope you don't mean to be so horrible, I still believe you are a loving and kind person, who just hates me and cannot ever believe I would even try and be helpful.  When I heard that you had told people I was refusing to send you a DC, when I didn't even have one because the inquest hadn't happened, that was really painful.  You were blaming me, hating me, being horrible about me to others, for something I *couldn't* do.

This is the same.  When I *can* send it to you, I will.  You didn't believe me before, but I hope you can believe me now.  I didn't want to go to town today, on one of the busiest days of the year, and spend my morning making his death  more official, crying in the bank, having to explain the whole situation again in the bank because the lady we usually see has gone to have her baby, sorting out his phone account with stupid 3 customer services.  I did it because you said BG needed it, and I was getting on with it all as fast as I could.

And yet all you can do is be nasty and say it's all my fault anyway.  You have the medal for Rachel, you could have other things form the house, but you've never said what you would like for her, aside from the bow.  I have a house, a town full of memories.  He is everywhere I go, in everything I do, and whilst that is wonderful it is also incredibly painful because even today, walking into the  bank, I felt I could just turn around and he'd be walking in behind me.  I waited for him to pull my chair out, like he always did.  I knew he wouldn't - I knew why I was there.

I got home, I emailed you to let you know, and got another stream of vitriole.  It makes me wonder why I bother, and then I think about BG and I know why I bother. 

I cannot change the system Lori.  I'm working it as fast as I can through gut wrenching pain and grief.  Please, can you even try to understand?
And I got.......

that she wants a Death Certificate and she doesn't care about the rest of it.

A single line.

She doesn't understand, can't understand, won't understand, that unless I do all this, the DC isn't done with.  So she shouts and winges and says nasty, horrible, mean things.

There's an email from her now, in the folder with her name on it, that I haven't even opened, because I know it will be nasty.  She's in that kind of mood.  Maybe it's her time of the month, as she once accused me of when she thought I'd been nasty with her.  Actually,  it wasn't then for me.  It probably isn't for her now, but at least that would give some kind of excuse for this behaviour.

She's using BG to get to me now, telling me it's for medicine for her.  Well, she hasn't had it for the last 4 years so I don't see what difference it makes now.  And even if it does, I *can't* send it til I'm done with it.  It is for BG that I went into town today.

However, the lovely Claire has been round tonight, and she and I have chatted things over and cleaned the kitchen whilst we were talking and having cups of tea and so on.  We did hers yesterday, we did mine today.  It's a post Christmas blitz to the edges and joints type clean.  Next week we are doing each others front rooms.  However, she says, just leave it. There's nothing more you can do.  I think she's right.  I think there is nothing more I can do.  The She-Ex is determined to hate me, regardless of anything I do, and I will not spend the rest of my life with that cloud over me.  I will always make sure that BG can find me, through I-t-B, and the rest of it, well, we'll have to see.

The thing is that when Rich and I Promised, it included the children.  But I also know that he hated the effect she had on me.  It's not about BG though, it's about how the She-Ex wants to whitewash this part of our life.  It wouldn't surprise me to find that in years to come, BG thinks Daddy died when she was 3.5 or something.  Ok, that would surprise me, because the She-Ex isn't that crazy as to think she can get away with that, but....

Oh I don't know.

I know I'm tired, I need to go to bed, and I've ever so slightly had enough.  I'm not going to open that email, I'm going to let it sit.  I'll open it when I'm strong enough.

She doesn't care.  Why should I?

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